


Where is My Mind?

by Polkadotdotdot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo - Freeform, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Holy shit I think I'm accidentally writing a kind of slow burn, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Rehabilitation, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey rediscovers her hormones, Reylo - Freeform, Sex, Short, Short Story, Smut, Star Wars AU, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trigger Warnings, Vaginal Fingering, Very very dark, Warnings May Change, We're going dark, it's not a real slow burn, not really - Freeform, reylo au, some smut, suggested abuse, thirsty thirsty Ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-18 03:14:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15476433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polkadotdotdot/pseuds/Polkadotdotdot
Summary: “Due to your case, your first 30 days you will be assigned a monitor who will be with you from 10am until 8pm every day,”They say, monitor. They mean babysitter. Some poor schmuck whos sole purpose for the next month is to be her shadow. Like a court-ordered playdate. She wants to argue that it’s not necessary, that she isn’t so unstable that she needs someone following her around all day but then she remembers the feel of the pills sticking in her throat and the steel slicing through her wrists. Rey closes her mouth.Ben. She say's his name is Ben.Worried for her safety, Rey is taken to a state of the art mental health and rehabilitation facility in Vermont. She's fine. She knows she's fine. She just wished everyone else around her could see it too.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This idea for this story literally came out of a dream I had and I woke up with the urge to write this short story while I finalize my plans for my new multi-chapter nonsense!
> 
> The number of chapters for this little experiment may change because let's face it...it's me...I have no idea how long I'm going to make this!

[](https://imgur.com/UKSqdMa)

The tube burns going down her throat.

Everything is a blur of white walls and pale green uniforms and surgical masks. Doctors shouting and panic. Why is everyone so panicked? Then suddenly the acrid smell of bile is in her nose as her exhausted body tips to the side, ejecting the contents of her stomach with so much force she feels like her lungs are going to burst.

When there is nothing left, she slumps back onto the hospital bed. Barely breathing, barely keeping her unfocused eyes open. It’s okay. This is okay.

It’s what she set out to do in the first place. She only wished these people would leave her alone, so she could die in peace.

00000

3 days pass when the hospital decides she’s ready to leave.

But she’s not going home.

They tell her that due to her breakdown she can’t be trusted alone in her apartment. That there is too high a risk she’ll try again. The heavy dressing on her wrists itches and her throat is still recovering from the tube. No, they want to address the deeper issues. They think it will help.

Rey does not.

But whoever really cared about what she wanted anyway?

Nobody. Nobody ever listens to her. Not really.

Her foster parents listen to the doctor instead and agree with his every word. They look at her with the same simpering expression, trying to understand but falling short. How could she feel so lonely when they had given her everything? Weren’t they enough? Maybe she was a lost cause from the start? They selected a problem child and now it had been 10 years and it was too late to take her back.

There are no refunds in the system.

So, they do the next best thing. They can’t return her, and they won’t abandon her like an unwanted pet on the side of the road but there is somewhere they can take her.

Vermont looks like every postcard Rey has ever seen. It’s bathed in yellow and orange and brown, trees as far as the eye can see. It’s the perfect place to get away from the noise, they say. The perfect place to get healthy.

Whatever that means.

Maple Lodge looks as quaint as one could imagine from the name. A large but modern building on the edge of a beautiful lake that shines in the fall sun. The large, decorative fence surrounding the perimeter of the property gives Rey pause and she wonders how many people actively try to make a break for it.

It looks nice. Nicer than many of the court-ordered facilities she could have been taken to. The cold, grey psychiatric hospitals that had been suggested to them. She had to give her foster parents credit, they put their money where their mouths are. Maple Lodge could have passed for a spa if she didn’t know better.

As nice as it all looks from the outside, Rey’s lip curls none the less.

The woman on the front desk smiles politely, talking in a tone that Rey has only ever heard on yoga DVDs. She kindly explains to her foster parents how visitation will work and that they aren’t allowed to come and visit for the first month of their daughter’s stay.

“We believe any outside interference can throw off progress. This way we are giving our guests a chance to truly acclimatize themselves to their new environment,” the woman says, her voice as light and airy as a cloud.

Rey notices she says ‘guest’ and not ‘patient’.

“Maple Lodge is a state of the art mental health and wellbeing rehabilitation facility. Labels like ‘patient’ insinuate that a person is here against their will. We prefer a more…co-operative atmosphere here at Maple Lodge,”

She kisses her foster parent’s goodbye. They promise that they’ll come to visit her in 30 days and that she shouldn’t worry about anything except feeling better. They sob and clutch her tightly and Rey wonders if maybe there is something wrong with her. She doesn’t smile. She doesn’t frown. She simply nods back at them acknowledging that she heard their instructions.

Numb. The whole thing just makes her numb.

Rey is given a tour of the building. The canteen is more like a fancy coffee shop and she is told there is a set menu each day but that snacks are available from 8am until 10pm. She is not permitted to take food to her room.

The gardens are beautiful. They hold yoga on the lawn every morning at 6am and Rey laughs loudly at the idea she’ll be awake. The woman giving her the tour does not laugh in return and Rey realizes that she’s serious.

She’ll meet with her assigned therapist, Doctor Luke Skywalker, every afternoon for an hour. This is non-negotiable.

The room she is taken to is nice but basic. There is a large bed pressed against the far corner of the wall dressed in pale blue sheets. There is a nightstand with a lamp and a desk with a chair for writing. Her room at least comes with its own private bathroom. There is no TV. If she wants to watch TV, she needs to go to the entertainment room with everyone else.

There are small clues everywhere that tell Rey this is not the luxury spa they try to portray. There is no mirror in her room, no tub or shower in her bathroom. Only a single sink.

“If you wish to bathe there are washrooms down the hall with luxury bathtubs, steam showers, and mirrors. If you require a razor, you will need to ask permission. These rooms are monitored at all times,”

Of course. Mirrors can smash. Water can invade the lungs. Shower stalls can become a hangman’s noose.

This is not a spa.

And why would she need a mirror anyway? No makeup to wear. No choice of clothing. Rey is provided with multiple sets of what look like scrubs in a soft, pale green color. Everything here is pale, muted and inoffensive.

“Due to your case, your first 30 days you will be assigned a monitor who will be with you from 10am until 8pm every day,”

They say, monitor. They mean babysitter. Some poor schmuck whos sole purpose for the next month is to be her shadow. Like a court-ordered playdate. She wants to argue that it’s not necessary, that she isn’t so unstable that she needs someone following her around all day but then she remembers the feel of the pills sticking in her throat and the steel slicing through her wrists. Rey closes her mouth.

She has no further questions and the woman leaves her to settle in and change her clothes, informing her that dinner is still being served and the name of her new forced friend.

Ben.

She says his name is Ben.

00000

Her first night she barely sleeps.

The bed isn’t uncomfortable and her pajamas are the only clothes she’s permitted to wear that belongs to her, but the night is when the monsters come.

In the dark, she sees her 5-year-old self, climbing on chairs and kitchen counters to search for food in the empty house. It’s cold and she’s alone, frightened. She can see the revolting man who oversaw the children’s home she was sent to, his cruel smile. She could still remember folding the pillow over her head to muffle the sounds other children made when he took them away.

But it seems she isn’t the only one who is restless. The hall echoes with moans and screams of people who are just as haunted as she is and Rey wonders if she’s a freak for suddenly feeling a little less alone.

The morning arrives, and a bell sounds in her room, interrupting what little sleep she got. 6am. Now she knows why the woman with the airy voice didn’t laugh. The time wasn’t a suggestion, it was mandatory.

She rinses her face and brushes her teeth, smoothing her hair as best she can considering she can’t see her reflection. Even the smallest size they had of her pale green mandatory uniform hangs loosely on her petite frame.

Expecting to eat breakfast alone, she is taken by surprise when a small girl sits down opposite her. Of course, she’s wearing the exact same thing. Everyone is. The girl smiles brightly at her, dumping sugar into her coffee.

“You’re new right? I saw you being walked around yesterday,”

“Uh…yeah,”

“I’m Rose! My room is a few doors down from you…not that I was watching or anything I just happened to see…there isn’t much to do here and there hasn’t been a new person to arrive in a few weeks. Did you like yoga? I know it’s weird at first, but you get used to it…it does help…”

Rose is speaking so quickly that Rey and her sleep-deprived brain are struggling to keep up, but she finds she likes her none the less. An amused half-smile appears on her face. At least she has someone to talk to.

“Have you met your monitor yet?” Rey shakes her head, “I have one. His name is Finn. He’s really nice and funny. I know it’s their job to hang out but if you get a good one it doesn’t feel so bad being followed around all the time,”

Rose waves Rey closer, leaning into her ear.

“Sometimes…he even sneaks bags of M&Ms into my room!”

Rose leans back, giggling like she’s just told Rey the naughtiest secret of all time and Rey can’t help but laugh, unsure if it’s the girl’s enthusiasm or the ludicrous notion that grown adults would have to sneak candy like children.

 Rey remains quiet as they eat, allowing Rose to take over most of the conversation. She doesn’t ask why Rey is there and Rey doesn’t ask Rose in return. It feels too intimate. Better to pretend they’re just two women at a strangely organized retreat than to acknowledge the truth.

They’re here because they’re sick.

She returns to her room to wait, taking to doodling on the paper provided when a knock sounds at the door.

The man in front of her is tall. Very tall. He has long, shaggy hair so dark it’s almost black that frames an angular, kind face and extremely dark brown eyes. Her eyes flick to his full lips, surrounded by a neat goatee. His skin is scattered with beauty marks and Rey is sure she’s never seen a more beautiful human in all her life.

“Rey?” he asks, his voice low and warm, “I’m Ben,”

_I’m your assigned monitor_

He doesn’t vocally acknowledge it but they both know that’s why he’s there. He wears a similar uniform only his is a navy-blue colory, his ID badge clipped to the pocket. There’s a pair of clean, black Nike Jordans on his feet and a clipboard in his hand.

_Ben Solo_

“Have you taken your meds this morning?” He asks, pulling a pen from his breast pocket. Rey nods. The little cup of pills was waiting for her when she woke.

“Good,” he smiles, “That’s good. You have your first session with doctor Skywalker at 1 o’clock but until then you’re free to do what you like. Is there anything you’d like to do today?”

“Um…what _can_ I do?” Rey asks uncertainly, “I don’t want to just watch TV all day…”

“All kinds of things. There’s painting, the gym, crafts, a library…” he continues to elaborate, watching her eyes growing wide in panic at the multiple choices surrounding her. He’s seen this before and he stops.

“Or, how about we start with a walk?”

Breathing a puff of relief, Rey returns his smile shyly, nodding in agreement.

00000

“You don’t say much,” Rey comments as they walk.

The gardens are bathed in late morning sunlight, chill in the shade but comfortable outside of it. They walk the various twisting, turning paths around the flower beds and sitting areas, eventually coming to a patio with a pagoda. She can hear birds singing in the trees surrounding the area and the light rush of running water from the nearby fountain.

“What would you like me to say?” he replies. Rey shrugs.

“I don’t know…aren’t you like my court ordered buddy? Paid to be my friend for the next 30 days or something,”

“Or something. My job is to make sure that you settle in here,” he says neutrally, “To make sure you…”

“To make sure I don’t try to escape?” he winces slightly.

“It’s not like that here. This isn’t a prison or one of those state hospitals…we actually help people and if you signed yourself in then you must feel that you need help,”

She fixes him with a look sharp as flint.

“ _I_ didn’t sign myself in. My parents did. _I’m fine_. I don’t need to be here!” she snaps. Ben nods carefully. It’s her first day and she isn’t the first person at Maple Lodge who has had this reaction on arrival.

_Denial_

“Okay,” he says, “You’re right. You know yourself better than I do,”

His eyes flick to the still healing scars on her arms and Rey promises herself that tomorrow she’ll wear a long sleeve tee under her green top.

00000

“So Rey, tell me a little about yourself?”

Doctor Skywalker is an older man with a scruffy grey beard and scruffier hair. He sits in a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches, glancing at her over the top of his glasses. In his hand are a notebook and pen.

Rey shrugs.

“Surely the hospital told you…”

“They told me the details medically, but I’d like to hear about you personally,” he says gently, “Tell me about yourself?”

She’s sitting on a leather sofa opposite him. The grandfather clock in the corner of his beautifully decorated office is ticking a steady beat like a countdown and it sets her teeth on edge. Instead, Rey chooses to focus on the succulent plant in the center of the coffee table, fidgeting with her fingers.

“I’m 22 years old. I live in Boston with my foster parents. They adopted me when I was 12 years old…I…was studying at college to get a bachelor’s in engineering…”

“Engineering, really? What made you want to pick that subject?”

“I…I guess I like fixing things. I like working with my hands and when I see something that everyone assumes is broken I want to…prove them wrong…”

Doctor Skywalker nods, scribbling things down on his notepad.

“I see, and what else, any friends? Boyfriend?”

Rey snorted. Friends let you down. Friends would tell you one thing and then behind your back do something completely different. It was easier to rely on yourself. She’d hooked up with guys, brief flirtations that were never anything past letting out carnal urges. She never slept in the same bed with a guy, never stayed the night.

“No,”

“No?”

“No,”

“I see,” he says, “And your foster parents, tell me a little about them?”

They’re nice, Rey thinks. A young couple who couldn’t have kids of their own and selflessly decided to adopt an older child who was less likely to be picked. A problem child. A project. They did their best sure, but there was always a distance. Always a wall that kept them from really connecting as a family and Rey could never tell if she was the one who built it.

“They’re good people,” Rey finally answers, “They work hard. They gave me a home when I needed it and…that’s that,”

“Do you call them Mom and Dad?” Rey shrugs.

“Sometimes. When they act like it…and not like…two strangers who put a roof over my head,”

“Care to elaborate on that?”

“No…I don’t,”

The remainder of the hour is spent with Doctor Skywalker asking her probing questions and Rey avoiding real answers at all costs. She’s fine. She doesn’t need this.

When the hour is up, and Ben arrives at the office to escort her where ever she wants to go, he has two coffee cups with him. Their fingers brush as she accepts the drink from him and she feels like she’s been shocked by his skin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with most of these angsty, dark stories...keep an eye on the tags and trigger warnings folks. In future chapters, we're going DARK.
> 
> 2 chapters in one day? You can totally tell when I'm into something!

[](https://imgur.com/Ij8Yrn2)

The days fall into a routine for Rey.

6am she wakes to the sound of the same bell, rolling over and taking the medication prescribed to her.  She drags herself to the garden for morning yoga and meditation practice which she hates to admit is growing on her. After a supervised shower, she heads to breakfast with Rose, who is growing on her too.

The girl talks with the same level of enthusiasm every day like the monotonous routine that is their reality will somehow be different. It never is. One day, Rey finally asks the question she isn’t meant to ask.

“What are you in for?”

Rose stops cold, blinking up at her with wide eyes. Nobody is meant to ask that question, not outside of group sessions and the girl isn’t sure how to answer. She slowly chews her food, pondering how best to answer the taboo question.

“Stress,” she eventually says simply.

“Stress?”

“Yeah…stress,”

Rey goes back to eating her food and she decides not to press any further.

At 10am on the dot, Ben arrives at her door. Every morning he carries with him two cups of coffee and an easy, warm smile that she wants to melt in. He tells her what she must do that day. Group therapy at 11am, Doctor Skywalker at 1pm but the rest of the day is hers. He’ll be right there with her.

He always is.

He’s become the bright spot in her day. Talking to Ben is easy. He seems to know what she needs before she does. Of course, he does, he’s been doing this a long time and he’s good at his job. She scolds herself for thinking she might be special, knowing that to him, she’s just another patient.

Sorry, guest.

But sometimes she catches his eyes, so dark, staring at her longer than he ought to. Sometimes, just sometimes, there’s more there than just friendly warmth. There’s a tenderness, a softness that she can’t quite understand but she knows, she just _knows_ , there’s more to it than his profession.

There’s a lot in her head that isn’t real but surely her perception of him can’t be one of them?

“Rey, do you have anything you’d like to share with the group today?”

Her head snaps up to look at Doctor Holdo. The woman is smiling at her pleasantly, expecting an answer of some kind, a contribution.

“No…” she replies and Doctor Holdo looks disappointed.

“You don’t have anything you’d like to contribute? Nothing you’d like to get off your chest?”

She wants to tell the group that she likes a boy she can’t have. That he’s kind to her, that he makes her laugh, that she feels safer with him than she has in her whole life. It’s an impossible dream. She’s broken. She’s a broken thing that needs to be fixed and even if she told him how she felt he would simply dismiss it all because her mind isn’t her own and she doesn’t know how she feels right now.

“I…I haven’t been sleeping,” she eventually stutters. The group around her nods in agreement. Many of them are the same. “I keep seeing…things…”

“What kind of things?”

She sees the home she used to live in, before the Jackson family took her in. She sees _him_ standing over her bed, leering at her with cold, cruel eyes. She hears her own crying when he puts his hands on her, she hears his voice telling her that it’s their little secret.

“Nothing,”

If he thinks she looks tired when groups are done, he doesn’t mention it to her. Ben is there on time to take her from group to Doctor Skywalker’s office as if she is incapable of walking from one side of the building to the other.

Perhaps she is.

“Are you alright?” he asks. She wonders if he asks all his charges the same question. He’s watched people before her and no doubt he’ll be assigned someone new once her 30 days are up.

“I don’t know,” It’s the most honest answer she’s given since arriving at Maple Lodge.

She feels like her skin is stretched too tightly over her body like the truth is bubbling under the surface.

They sit together outside, coffee in hand. He’s started putting vanilla syrup in hers and she smiles at the thought that he noticed her preference.

Most days they talk about everything and nothing. She learns that he loves poetry, especially the words of Pablo Neruda, he prefers his coffee with milk but so many early starts mean he takes it black first thing to try and wake him up. He lives not far from the lodge. In turn, he learns that she is good at building things, that she can play the piano but could never afford one of her own and that her favorite show was the US Office. Sometimes they sit in the entertainment room and watch it together.

He learned that he liked to hear her laugh. That her smile lights up her face.

“How did you start all this?” She asks, “It’s not exactly a regular job,” He sits thoughtfully, and she tries to ignore how warm his thigh is pressed against hers on the garden bench.

“Well…my uncle actually,” Ben began carefully, “I always had anger issues when I was younger, and he was the one who helped me through that. I wanted to do something worthwhile, help others like me so I began counseling youth projects…when my uncle started here he asked me if I wanted a job. It’s good experience, looks good on paper…”

“Who is your uncle?” He smiles at her a knowing, secret smile.

“That would be telling,” Rey frowns. She feels like he knows everything about her and she knows so little of him.

But then, isn’t that the idea?

Her hair is down today, left to dry naturally into light waves and she hopes that he notices. God knows there’s nothing else she can do to attract his attention. He reaches out to her instinctively, brushing a stray, dark lock behind her hair.

“You look nice today,”

The compliment, so small and trivial makes her heart thud in her chest painfully, her throat going dry and suddenly it’s like the world around them blurs and all she can see are his dark eyes gazing at her. As quickly as it begins, it’s over and Ben pulls his hand back from her like he’s been scalded.

“We should…um…we should get moving. You’re due in with Doctor Skywalker,” he says firmly, not meeting her eyes.

Despite her disappointment, Rey smiles.

00000

“How are you feeling today, Rey?”

“Better,” she answers honestly. It’s not a lie. She _does_ feel better but that tension is still inside her, waiting to finally snap.

Not being connected to a phone or the internet, she doesn’t feel tethered to something intangible. She doesn’t scroll through photos of her so-called friends on nights out that she wasn’t invited to, she doesn’t read updates from people having the _best time ever_ and she doesn’t watch hours of mindless videos.

Instead, she’s forced to spend time with herself and sometimes it isn’t terrible.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it,” Doctor Skywalker says, writing on his notepad, “We’ve spoken about your foster parents, but I’d like to go back a little further…”

“What does that have to do with anything,” she snaps. Doctor Skywalker regards her patiently.

“The things that happen to us in childhood often have a huge impact on how we interact with others long into adulthood,” he says as if he’s explaining the theory to a child. Rey scowls at him, “So…if you please, we’ll start at the beginning…what’s your earliest memory?”

The question is a simple one and after almost a week of avoiding his questions, Rey is tired.

“I remember being home on my own,” She says, “My parents told me they’d be home soon…it was cold, and the power went out. I waited for them…sat on that kitchen floor and I waited…but…they never came back for me,”

The house had been bathed in darkness for days. The last of the meager food they had, to begin with, was gone, her final meal had been a thawed, frozen pizza that she didn’t cook because Mom had told her only grown-ups could use the stove. It had tasted awful, but it was better than an empty belly.

“And how did that make you feel?”

Her eyes snap to his, fury burning behind them.

“How the fuck do you think that made me feel?” she snarls, “Hurt, devastated, angry, literally abandoned…there’s a bunch, pick your favorite!”

Doctor Skywalker nods patiently.

“And you’ve never managed to let go of that anger…”

“No!” she cries, “They left me! They left me alone at 5 years old to fend for myself and I wasn’t ready…they…they were all I knew, and they _left me_!”

The simmering anger was building to a rolling boil and she was powerless to stop it.

It was the first lesson Rey had been taught. Rely on nobody because even those you love will eventually let you down. Doctor Skywalker shows no emotion on his face when he continues, and Rey doesn’t even notice that she’s crying.

“Then you were put in a children’s home. Tell me about that,”

The home was that in name alone. It wasn’t a home. It was a cold box full of beds, fit to burst with too many children, all terrified and alone with too few resources. The beds were uncomfortable, but it was the only space in the whole damn building that was hers.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything you want to tell me,”

“It was hell…that’s all you need to know,” her word sounds final, but something tells her that Doctor Skywalker isn’t ready to drop the subject. Over the past week, he’s been gentle with her, not pushing her too hard but she knows that he needs to dig deeper and she’s ready. She’s ready for the cathartic release, even if it hurts.

“Elaborate on that for me,”

“The care was less an adequate,” she smirks. He glances at her over the rim of his glasses, saying nothing and waiting for her to continue. She sighs heavily, “It was an awful place for any kid to grow up in and I was there for 7 years…”

“7 years is a long time. It must have been difficult watching other kids leave,”

“It was,” she snarls, “I just…I didn’t get it…I never got _why_ not me…and I was left there with...”

She stops mid-sentence, realizing that she’s about to go down a road she isn’t prepared to walk but it’s too late. Doctor Skywalker perks up, leaning forward in his chair.

“Who, Rey?”

“Him…”

“And who is that?” Rey squeezes her eyes shut. There’s a throbbing pain behind her damp eyes and she just wants the hour to be over. Her stomach lurches and she wants Ben to be there at the door with a cup of coffee and his warm, comforting smile.

“Unkar Plutt…his name was Unkar Plutt…”

00000

She’s exhausted when the hour finally ends.

Ben is there as he always is, coffee in hand but his face looks different. Normally she’s met with a cheery, kind smile but instead, he looks concerned and she wonders just how much of a mess she actually looks.

Her eyes nip from the dried tears, the muscles in her face are aching and she can’t remember what it’s like to breathe clearly through her nose.

Every second of her session had been painful. Doctor Skywalker had pulled no punches, tried to leave no stone unturned this time and she’s so _tired_. She told him everything except the admission he wanted to hear.

“They’re still serving lunch,” Ben tells her, “You should eat something,”

“I’m not hungry” Rey mutters in reply. Ben shoots her a skeptical look but says nothing in reply, following her lead as they walk.

Not that she really knows where she’s going.

They continue until Rey stops at her favorite bench. It’s at the highest point in the garden, overlooking the large lake and from where they sit with their backs to the building, she almost can’t see the fence caging her in.

“I…I tried to kill myself,”

Her voice is so quiet on the breeze he isn’t sure if she really spoke. Turning his head to look at her, Rey’s gaze is still facing out to the lake, but her eyes are large, unblinking and glassy with tears, eventually spilling over her lashes and running down her cheeks.

“What?”

“I tried to kill myself,”

It’s the first time she’s admitted the act since she arrived.

She didn’t say it to Doctor Skywalker.

She said it to Ben.

The constant groups, the constant questions, the inoffensive color schemes and the fact she has no fucking time to herself during the day has worn her down and split her to the bone until she can do nothing but _feel_. It’s agonizing and suddenly she realizes with him sitting next to her, the warmth of his body bleeding into her that Ben, lovely, mandatory watcher Ben, might be her closest friend in the world.

This feels beyond his expertise, but she’s talking, that’s important. She feels comfortable enough with him to speak openly and for reasons he doesn’t want to explore, that’s important to him too.

“Why?”

The question is simple. It’s a single syllable and with him there, she knows the answer.

“Nobody wants me…I’ve never felt so alone,”

Her voice is small. Lost.

 Touching is strictly forbidden at Maple Lodge. Men and women may interact, spend time together but never past 8pm unless it’s a movie night. Physical touch, affection is seen as a block to progress. It can ‘gum up the works’ as Doctor Holdo had once put it.

Never the less, sat crying next to him, telling him that she had tried to take her light away from the world because she believes that nobody wants her, Ben’s large hand comes to cover hers, squeezing her fingers with delicacy.

“You’re not alone,”

When he looks into her eyes, she almost believes him.

00000

She’s eating dinner with Rose and Ben is standing across the room against the wall next to Finn.

He’s watching her carefully, an unsettled expression on his face that Rey wishes she could read. This is how most dinners would go. The monitors stand around the edge of the room watching for any inappropriate behavior before escorting their charges back to their own rooms in time for the evenings set curfew. There is no movie on tonight in the entertainment room.

Rey pushes her underwhelming meatloaf around her plate, the thin, pathetic excuse for onion gravy rippling as she does.

“I need your opinion on something,” Rose says quietly, leaning closer, their trays pushed together, “You know Finn?” Rey glances to the side of the room to look at the man in question.

“Your monitor? Yeah?”

“Well…I think I…y’know…like him…” Rey allows her tired face to lift into a half smile. She’s exhausted from the emotional revelations of the day, but this kind of gossip is something familiar. It reminds her of who she was when everything was easier.

For all she knew, they could just be two girls hanging out in the college canteen.

“Have you told him?” Rey asks, picking up her bottle of water. It’s the only thing that won’t sit heavily in her stomach. Rose blushes.

“I mean…we’ve been getting closer,” she mutters, “When no-one is looking…he holds my hand!”

“Well you know what they say about unprotected hand holding…” she replies sardonically, and it only serves to heighten the flush on Rose’s cheeks.

“I just…I’m only a week away from being off the watch list,” she says, “Do you think I should say something?”

Rey shifts uncomfortably in her seat. Rose’s predicament is too close to the bone for her, too raw and it makes her begin to think things she shouldn’t. Had it happened before? Surely it must. How could you force two people to spend every day together without some developing feelings?

But were they true feelings? Or was her fragile mind trying to latch on to the first stable thing it could find?

Maybe it was something worth talking over with Luke.

“I think that at least talking to him when he’s not your carer is an idea,” Rey replies evenly, “That way you’ll really know where you stand,”

Rose grins widely.

A bell rings to signal the end of dinner. The canteen will serve food for two more hours but since they can’t eat in the rooms they are about to be sent to, it all feels redundant in Rey’s eyes and her lip curls at the idea of having to ask permission to go and get a pastry.

The place is a beautiful prison, but it’s a prison regardless.

Ben approaches her table and asks if she’s ready, eyeing the volume of food she’s consumed.

When they reach her room, Rey gives him a genuine smile, ignoring the instinct to reach for his hand. Instead, she bids him goodnight and tells him she’ll see him in the morning.

00000

A knock at her door startles her just as she feels sleep begin to claim her.

The book she had been reading lies open on her chest, the lamp on the nightstand still on but the darkness has already descended outside. She can see it from her sealed shut window.

Smoothing her unruly hair, she shuffles to the door, turning the latch with shaking fingers. Nobody has ever knocked past curfew.

Ben stands in front of her with his dimpled smile. He’s still wearing his navy-blue uniform, his sneakers still on his feet but he wears a black hooded sweater and in one hand he holds a brown paper bag, in the other a drinks holder with two large sodas.

“Ben? What time is it?”

“Around 10,” he answers, “But…I noticed you didn’t really eat anything at dinner and you didn’t eat lunch, so I took it upon myself to remedy that. Can I come in? If I get caught out here…”

Slightly dumbstruck, Rey steps aside to let him into her room, closing the door behind her. Ben sets to work unpacking his bag.

“I didn’t know what you would want but I figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Big Mac…unless…you’re not a vegetarian right?”

Rey sits cross-legged on her bed, watching him with a bemused smile. It feels nice. It feels _normal_. She shakes her head, accepting the burger from him and he sits on the chair next to the desk. They eat in companionable silence and she notices that his eyes linger a little longer on her bare legs than they should.

“Oh my God,” she moans, biting into the burger. It’s the first thing she’s eaten in almost 9 days that feels like it has any salt, “This is amazing!”

“It’s just a McDonalds,” He shrugs, “But I guess if all you’ve been eating is the stuff in here then it may as well me a fillet steak,”

“I miss steak!” Rey sighs and Ben chuckles.

“Definitely not a vegetarian then,” he comments, “So…I know I asked you this earlier but today was pretty heavy, are you okay?”

Rey pops a French fry in her mouth, savoring the salty taste and oily texture.

“Not yet, but…I think it’s a start,”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments so far. This is very out my comfort zone! We will go dark, please keep an eye on the tags and notes. Do not say I didn't warn you!
> 
> Please continue to enjoy this experiment in expanding my writing horizons!

[](https://imgur.com/WjBQAWU)

Some fantasies are unhealthy. Some are used for protection.

Others are just…nice.

She imagines that she’s a normal girl who was just hanging out in her college dorm with a cute boy who brought her food. They spoke about movies and bands. She told him how much she loved Twenty-one Pilots and without missing a beat he tells her he’ll take her to a show in Boston. If she wants, that is.

She hugs him goodbye at the door, throwing her arms around him as far as she can reach. His body freezes but he melts against her, trying not to acknowledge how well she fits in his arms or how warm she feels against his body.

Rey wonders what would happen if they had met under different circumstances. Would he have even talked to her? The little nobody from nowhere.

When she pulls away from him, smiling up warmly and shyly bidding him goodnight, he knows something is changing between them.

00000

The cracks at Maple Lodge are beginning to show.

Her mind is beginning to clear little by little and with clarity comes perception. Rey beings to notice that under the calm is a storm. It’s in the way Gwen Phasma walks the halls, enforcing rules that they claim are designed to aid the _healing process_ but only serve to undermine expression.

It’s the way Doctor Hux treats his patients. His methods are a little more extreme than Doctor Skywalker, Holdo or even Doctor Andor but he claims they get results. Rey watches people head to his office and she watches an hour later as they leave barely a husk of who they used to be.

Rey doesn’t want to be like that.

“Morning Rose,” Rey smiles sitting down at their usual table across from the small girl. Her smile drops when Rose doesn’t look up from her tray, “Rose?”

“They took him from me,”

Rey can barely hear her.

“What? They took…who from you?” Rose looks up with haunted eyes, wide and terrified.

“Finn. They…they’ve given me a new monitor…they said I need further treatment and I can’t come off monitor watch but he’s not _suitable_ anymore and I don’t know what that means…”

She’s babbling. Her fingers are fidgeting with the wrapper of her muffin and there’s a slight twitch below her left eye.

“Did you…did you talk to him…about that thing?” Rey asks carefully. Rose shakes her head.

“I never had the chance,” Rose says, “I wanted to…I had it all planned out and I was going to wait until I was clear but…I’m not clear…I think I should be clear. Don’t you think I should be clear?”

There’s a frantic note to her voice that sets Rey on edge.

“Sure…yeah, you’ve been doing so well,” Rey soothes, nodding enthusiastically. She thought Rose had been doing well.

What does she know?

It’s almost 10am when she hears it. Rey is waiting in her room after breakfast thinking of Rose and how…different she was now. When she had spoken before she had been full of life, of an unwavering optimism that Rey enjoyed because if Rose could be happy in a place like this then maybe she could too.

Had it been Finn that made her that way? Rey wondered if it was true health to tether your happiness to another person.

The scream from down the hall is shrill and piercing. It draws everyone from their rooms, standing in their doorway to watch as a girl is dragged away, kicking and wailing like a banshee. She screams about how she can’t handle it anymore. How she needs out.

And Rey is scared.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Gwen Phasma shouts as the girl is dragged away by two large orderlies, “Everyone back into your rooms and wait for your monitors if you are assigned one!”

Her eyes are fixed on the hysterical figure, unblinking and she doesn’t realize that Ben has appeared, that he’s ushering her into her room, his clipboard wedged under his arm. She doesn’t realize that she’s shaking. He closes the door behind him and curves his back down enough to meet her eyes without towering above her.

“Are you alright?” his voice is gentle. Warm and not at all professional.

“Is that what’s going to happen to me?” she asks, “If I don’t…what if I’m here for longer…what if they decide that I need more treatment and they take you away…because that’s what they did to Rose and she’s not the same, Ben…she’s _different_ now and…”

“Hey hey, shhh,” he croons, “You are going to be fine, alright? You _are_ fine. You’re doing so well, even Lu…Doctor Skywalker says so, right?”

She nods. Her body is still trembling. He’s so close to her she can feel the heat radiating from his chest and she doesn’t know how his large hand found itself in her hair. The screaming has stopped and the silence between them is deafening.

Awkwardly, he clears his throat, pulling his pen from his breast pocket and grabbing his clipboard.

“You…um…meds, right?” his voice is rough, and his eyes are set on the paper in front of him.

“Yeah…I took them,”

00000

“You seem upset today, Rey. What’s on your mind?”

She’s sitting on Doctor Skywalker’s sofa. He’s sitting as he always is with his notepad and pen ready to note down her thoughts. Rey sighs.

“There was a girl today…she was so…I don’t know…”

“Ah yes. An unfortunate case,” he replies, “How do you feel about that?”

“Scared,” she answers honestly, “I don’t want to be like that,” Doctor Skywalker glances at her over the top of his glasses.

“Do you think you will be?” Rey frowns.

“What kind of question is that? You’re the doctor here, not me…” He smiles at her.

“We all have choices Rey,” he says, “You can choose to let the past manipulate you. You can allow that darkness to dictate you who are, you can let it drag you down or you can embrace the strength that it’s given to you,”

Rey scoffs.

“Listen to me, Rey. Everything you’ve told me, everything you’ve been through…you survived. Your parents _chose_ you. Your friends chose you. You are making brilliant progress, but I want you to start trying to connect to those you’ve tried to cut off…I want you to build bridges again,”

Her foster parents. The only family she knows. Rey thinks of them and her chest begins to hurt and for the first time in so long, her eyes begin to sting.

“Why are you crying, Rey? What are you thinking?” she huffs a humorless laugh.

“I’m such a bitch…”

“We don’t use terms like that here. Go on?”

“I…what you said, I was thinking of my parents again…my foster parents I mean,” she sniffs, “I think…I’ve been really unfair to them,”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because you’re right…they did choose me, and I’ve been too…damaged to see that,”

“Perhaps you should start with them?” Rey nods, wiping her face. Doctor Skywalker slides a box of tissues towards her and she takes one without hesitation. She opens her mouth to speak but closes it again.

“Anything else you’d like to talk about? We have some time left,”

“Rose Tico…she’s been acting differently,”

“I’m not at liberty to discuss other…guests,” he begins. Rey frowns. There's that term  _guest_ again.

“I’m worried about her, she’s my friend…” he smiles.

“You once told me that you didn’t think you had any friends. Rose is your friend?” He asks. Rey pauses her eyes flitting around the room as she searches her feelings.

Yes. Rose is her friend.

“She was the first person here who was nice to me here…except for Ben,” Doctor Skywalker tilts his head curiously.

“Ben? Your monitor Ben?” he clarifies, “Tell me about him?”

Rey frowns. Why does he need to know about Ben?

“He’s…nice. I mean I know he’s paid to be nice but…he is,” Rey says awkwardly, “Everything I say here is private right? You…you can’t say anything?” he nods.

“The other night…he brought me food after curfew,” She smiles at the memory. She wonders if Doctor Skywalker will notice. He does.

“Breaking a rule there, albeit, a stupid rule for some people but I suppose we can’t have different rules for different people. Why did he do that?”

“He said it was because he noticed I hadn’t really eaten…it was only a McDonalds but it was the best thing I’ve eaten in weeks,” she says and her smile is bright, reaching her eyes. Doctor Skywalker writes something on his pad.

“That’s very thoughtful of him,” Doctor Skywalker replies evenly, “How did that make you feel?”

Wanted. Seen. Noticed. Cared for.

Loved.

“Nice,” she settles, “It made me feel nice,”

Her time is up, and Ben is there to meet her at the door. Doctor Skywalker regards them thoughtfully but as Rey smiles at Ben and Ben smiles back, neither appear to notice.

00000

They walk as they always do in the afternoon.

He’s so close to her that their fingers occasionally brush sending little shocks up her arm and when she notices that he smiles at the contact each time, her stomach flips. They come to sit at what Rey has now dubbed _her_ bench looking over the water.

“How long have you been working here?” she asks. Ben shrugs.

“A few years now. Why?”

“Have any of the monitors ever…fallen…for the person they’re watching? Or the other way around?”

The question sounds innocent, inquisitive but it’s loaded with silent sentiments and Ben doesn’t really know how to answer even though he knows. He shifts where he sits uncomfortably.

“Uh, yeah…a few times,” he eventually replies. His voice is rough, and he clears his throat, “The other way around too…Why?” He sounds more hopeful than suspicious.

“I was just wondering, I guess…seems like two people spend a lot of time together. Odds are someone is going to start thinking that way. What happens?”

A thoughtful frown takes over his face, his pupils moving discreetly taking in all her features.

“It depends,” he begins carefully, “In these walls? Nothing can happen. There are strict rules in place. You know as well as I do, emotions are messy and something like love? Well that can fuck a person up and some people here…they’ve been fucked up enough already,”

“But it happens?” He looks at her seriously.

“Yeah…it happens,”

He’s as close to her as he can be sitting on the bench, the side of his body pressed against hers and he’s looking at her with such intensity it takes her breath away and for once in her miserable life, she allows herself to hope that her gut instincts are right.

If they were anywhere else she would lean closer to him, she would tilt her head, allow her eyes to flutter shut and embrace the moment when his lips would finally take hers. Or perhaps if she was feeling brave she would smooth her palm over the wide expanse of his chest before wrapping her fingers around the collar of his shirt, pulling him against her.

It would be magical, world-changing, mind-blowing. It would be like all those romantic movies she’s ever watched and the way he’s looking at her is leaving her more bare and open than any fumble between the sheets ever has.

But she’s Rey and he’s Ben and they’re trapped in this strange world of doctors and pills and structured wellness.

Together they look back out towards the lake, the afternoon sun hanging low in the sky. The water glitters orange, the leaves float down from the trees and it’s beautiful.

He takes her hand, locking his fingers with hers silently and it’s beautiful.

00000

Rey picks at the food on her plate. Tonight, it’s some kind of chicken and she can swear the food is getting worse. They must only give you the good stuff on your first five days and what the fuck are her foster parents even paying for?

Or maybe she’s just bored.

The trap dropping on the table in front of her makes her jump, dropping her fork to her plate with a clatter. Ben stands across the room, his arms folded against his chest and he stands from the wall at the noise. Rey holds her hand up to him with a smile to tell him she’s fine. He leans back against the wall but the concerned frown on his face remains.

Rose is in front of her and the bright smile she has grown so used to seeing has returned, much to Rey’s relief.

“Hi! How’s your day been?” Rose says cheerily, sitting down and pulling the wrapper from her pudding cup.

Rey watches her carefully. There’s something manic behind her eyes, like her renewed enthusiasm for life has been forced back into her somehow. Long ago Rey wished there had been some kind of pill that would give her a zest for life. Now she’s on a cocktail but whatever her friend was on she wanted no part of.

“It’s been good thanks,” Rey answers carefully, piling her mashed potato into a little hill on her plate, “You seem…brighter? New treatment?”

“Yeah. They changed my doctor as well and I think it’s going to be good for me you know? Doctor Andor was great but maybe they were right, I needed a fresh take on things and Doctor Hux really opened my eyes to a few truths,”

“Doctor _Hux_?!” Rose nods happily.

“Yeah, Doctor Hux,” she confirms, “Oh don’t look at me like that, he’s not nearly as bad as everyone makes out!”

Rey puts her fork down, staring at the girl incredulously. She doesn’t look like she’s been tortured. She’s not a zombie, she hasn’t been sedated to within an inch of her life and she’s eating her pudding like it’s a revelation.

“So…if you don’t mind me asking, what did you talk about?” Rose pauses, her spoon in mid-air and some of her pudding drips onto the tray.

“He helped me pinpoint what was causing my stress,”

“Stress,”

“Yeah, my stress,”

Rey fights the eyebrow raise that the muscles in her face so badly want to make happen. What kind of _stress_ was Rose really under to end up here? To voluntarily put yourself in a place where you could agree to go but you weren’t allowed to leave until someone else decided you were well.

Whatever _well_ even meant. These days Rey wasn’t sure.

“So…you’re not upset about, you know…Finn?”

A confused smile graces Rose’s features. She’s wiping her finger in the remains of her pudding, licking the chocolate batter.

“Finn? Who is Finn?”

Rey blinks once. Twice. Three times at her friend across the table.

“Finn? He used to be your monitor?” Rose snorts a laugh.

“I don’t know who that is. My monitor has always been Snap. You know? The big bear looking dude standing over there?”

Rey turns to look across the room and sure enough, a large man is standing next to Ben wearing the same uniform. He has a scruffy beard and a kind face but he’s nothing like Finn. Rose seems so adamant that she’s never heard of that name and for the first time since her arrival Rey wonders if she has truly gone mad.

The bell rings and Rose leaps from her seat.

“Are you coming to the movie tonight?”

“Uh…maybe…” Rey answers slowly, still staring at the girl like she’s grown a second head. Her eyes follow Rose from the room when she leaves with…Snap?

She called him Snap.

00000

A movie was the last thing on Rey’s mind and she decides to stay in her room.

She’s one of the few who does. Normally the selection is so tame. They carefully select movies that everyone can enjoy which means trying to avoid anything that might trigger one or more of their guests. Considering how many people they have it’s a tall order and Rey has no desire to watch another harmless rom-com.

Instead, she took Doctor Skywalker’s advice and began to build bridges. It took six attempts but the letter to her foster family had been completed. Writing her feelings had always been easier than speaking to them and she hopes they’ll understand her a little more when they next meet.

She tries to focus on her book but she’s read and re-read the same paragraph four times. There’s only so many times she can read Lizzy Bennett refuse Mr. Darcy’s proposal, so she gives up, slapping the book closed, leaving it on the nightstand.

Her hand is inches away from the light switch when there’s a knock at her door.

Ben is standing there, his navy uniform and black hooded sweater on. There’s an impish smile on his face and a set of keys in his hand.

“This is becoming a habit,” she tries to sound casual. She tries to act like it’s no big deal he’s at her door long after his watch has ended when she isn’t his responsibility anymore, but her heart is pumping wildly and he voice is betraying her.

“Come with me,” he says.

He doesn’t elaborate further and she’s wearing nothing but a black tee shirt and yoga pants but when his eyes are shining at her and he’s biting his lip in barely contained excitement, Rey thinks she’d follow him to the end of the earth.

So they go.

They walk quickly down the dull hallways, past the rooms, the canteen, the gym and towards the main stairwell. He’s leading her down the stairs silently towards the basement and they come to a locked door. Now she knows what the keys are for.

The room is full of junk. Stacks of chairs, Halloween decorations, Christmas ornaments and boxes of crockery. There’s dust everywhere and she can barely see until he hits a switch on the wall. The lights above them buzz in protest at being used after so long.

“What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see,” he says simply, wandering over to something large covered in sheets.

He grips the edge of the fabric, pulling away with one mighty throw. Dust is thrown into the air, swirling in the dull, yellowing light and when it clears, Rey can hardly believe her eyes.

The black baby grand piano is old, worn and she has no idea if it’s even in tune. Ben stands bashfully next to it, anxiously waiting for her reaction.

“I remembered you telling me that you could play but you didn’t have one of your own…I don’t know if it’s any good but…”

He has no time to finish his sentence when she throws herself at him, her arms wrapping around his neck holding him tightly to her body like a lifeline. He doesn't freeze this time, relaxing at her touch and holding her gently in return. She feels comfortable against his body. She fits.

“Thank you,”

Like a giddy child, she lets him go and he stands there, watching her run her hands over the keys, feeling the ivory under her fingers.

“Can anyone hear us down here?” He shakes his head.

“I doubt it, not with that movie playing,” he replies, “Give it a shot,”

She sits at the stood and places her fingers. She hasn’t played in years and suddenly with him watching nerves clench her gut.

“It’s been a while,” she mutters, “Don’t expect much!” He chuckles.

“This is for you, not me. Just…enjoy yourself,”

The tune she plays is slow and she hits more than a few bum notes to being with but soon the muscle memory she has from years of practice begins to kick in and her fingers are sailing over the keys like an extension of her body.

It’s enchanting and melancholy. It’s everything that she wants to say to the world. She wants to scream it from the rooftops but instead, her song reverberates around them in their own little dark hideaway and Ben is entranced because for the first time since he met her she truly looks _alive_.

She’s glowing. Her eyes follow her hands as they dance over the keys effortlessly before they flutter to a close, and he knows she feels every single note because he feels them too.

And when her song ends, and she opens her eyes, he’s staring at her like she’s the most precious creature in the world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't had time to reply to comments recently but please know I love and appreciate every single one of them!
> 
> So many questions! What's happened to Rose? Where's Finn? What's Hux up to?!
> 
> Patience my dears...patience.
> 
> (But not too much cause this isn't planned to be a long story!)

[](https://imgur.com/UmCBjcr)

It’s cold in the basement when they finally leave. The movie will be over soon, and Rey can’t risk being caught somewhere she shouldn’t be.

After curfew.

With her monitor.

She shivers and immediately he shrugs off his black hooded sweater, wrapping it around her shoulders. It’s huge. It drowns her body, hanging most of the way down her thighs but it’s soft and warm and it smells like coffee and sandalwood aftershave.

It smells like him and wrapping herself in it feels like coming home.

He stands in the doorway to her room. The corridor behind him is dark and she is a silhouette against the light of the lamp behind her. She smiles at him. She hasn’t stopped smiling at him since he unveiled the piano to her and she’s pretty sure she’ll be smiling still when she wakes tomorrow.

Ben stuffs his hands in his pockets like an awkward teenager dropping a girl home after their first date and it’s adorable, she thinks. She’s high on the invigoration of the music, his scent and the look in his eyes. It’s making her brave.

“That’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me,” she says sincerely, “I can’t believe you even remembered,”

“Of course, I remembered. I listen when you talk,” he says quietly, and she believes him. There never seems to be a single thing about her that he forgets, “But…it’s getting late and they’ll be done soon. You should probably get some sleep,”

He’s watching her like an animal that’s ready to bolt as she approaches. Standing on the tips of her toes, she presses the gentlest of kisses to his face, her lips soft against his stubbled cheek. His eyes squeeze closed like the action is painful but it’s the restraint that hurts him. He feels the tension running through every muscle in his body.

Because he wants her. All of her. He doesn’t want to be her savior, he wants to stand by her side.

She shyly closes the door, wishing him goodnight and that she’ll see him in the morning. As he stands alone in the dark corridor, his fingers find the spot on his cheek her lips had touched.

And he feels like he’s been branded.

00000

It’s barely seven in the morning when Ben is approached by his uncle. The men’s locker room where he changes from his day clothes into his uniform is empty except for the two of them which suits Luke just fine.

“Ben, can I talk to you?”

He finishes pulling on his black V-neck tee and looks back at his uncle curiously. They haven’t always seen eye to eye but over the years they’ve repaired their relationship. Still, whenever Luke asks to speak to him in such a manner, it sets Ben’s teeth on edge.

Old habits die hard.

“Sure, what can I do for you?”

“This is strictly off record and if you breathe a word of this conversation to anyone, it’s both our jobs on the line…but…what are your intentions with Rey?”

“Rey…my charge, Rey?”

“The very same,” Luke confirms. Ben narrows his eyes, trying to work out his uncle’s motivations.

“Why do you think I have any?” Ben says evenly, “I see her every day and it’s my job,”

Luke smirks at him.

“Obviously I’m not at liberty to discuss anything my patients tell me…but I don’t have to. Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you. I’ve _seen_ you with her, Ben,”

There’s no accusation in his voice, no malice or threat. It’s a matter of fact and it makes Ben uncomfortable knowing he’s far more transparent that he thought.

“There are rules Ben…”

“I know that!” He snaps, “I do know that…so, what? Are you going to report me? We haven’t done anything wrong!”

It’s not strictly true and he knows it. The lines between professional and personal are becoming blurred a little more every day. He remembers her lips against his skin as he speaks and Luke shakes his head.

“Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous,” he replies, “I’m here…to give you some advice. That girl is getting better every day and, perhaps, you’re part of that…but I want you to be careful and on more than one level. She’s getting better, every day she _is_ making progress but if you lead her on or play with her emotions then that’s just one more person she’ll feel is abandoning her and that is _not_ what she needs right now!”

“Don’t you think I know that?!” Ben growls, his face set in a deep scowl, “I’d never do that…not to her,” Luke nods, seemingly satisfied with his answer, his mouth lifting in a small, knowing smile.

“Good,” he says, “but like I said, there are rules here Ben. While she is in your care, you can’t do anything…you could lose your job and you’d never work in this field again. Rey could be kept here even longer and _that_ would derail her progress as well,” Ben sighs heavily.

“I know…so what do you want me to do? I…I can’t just ignore this,”

He sounds helpless like a man condemned and Luke smiles at him sadly.

“I want you to do what you think is best. On a professional level, I don’t think a relationship would harm her progress provided it’s healthy. On a personal level, I know you’ll do right by her…because it’s obvious how you really feel,”

He turns to leave the room, but Ben stops him.

“Luke…do you really think we have a chance? That she likes me?”

Luke tilts his head curiously at him while fighting an amused smile. His nephew looks more like an anxious teenager than a grown man of 30 years and his question reflects that. Luke shrugs.

“Perhaps,” he says, “I think there’s every chance she’s falling in love with you,”

00000

Rey is still wearing Ben’s sweater when she heads to morning yoga. The smile is still on her face remembering the sound of the piano, the feel of the keys under her fingers and the look in his eyes as he watched her play. She bunches her hands in the huge sleeves like a child and tries not to giggle.

They’ve lowered her medication dosage. Luke, Doctor Skywalker, feels that her progress is positive and slowly she can be weaned from them. It makes her proud and she feels like she’s taking another step forward. Another day closer to living again.

She listens to the yoga instructor drone on her soothing, inoffensive voice, repeating mantras about bending so they don’t break, and she turns her mind off. It’s quiet. The quiet used to scare her, now it feels comforting. It feels like peace and it’s another sign of her progress.

“Morning! I really needed that today. Those pillows are doing nothing for my neck!”

Rey is walking from the gym towards the canteen when she’s greeted by Kaydel. She’s a sweet girl with long, fair hair and an easy-going smile. When they first met she was quiet, withdrawn like so many others at Maple Lodge but little by little her confidence has grown.

“Didn’t see Rose there this morning,” she comments as they walk, “Guess she got moved to another class,”

“Guess so,” Rey frowns, “Hey…does Rose seem…different to you?” Kaydel frowns in thought.

“I mean she seems happier…which is different. Nobody here is really, truly happy until they get told they can leave, but it’s nice to see. She’s been through the ringer,

“Do you know what happened to Rose? All she told me was that she’s here for stress…whatever that means,”

They’re about to walk through the main door of the canteen when Kaydel grabs her sleeve, pulling her off to one side.

“I only know this because I’m in her group therapy session,” Kaydel says slowly, “When Rose was 14 years old, her whole family was killed in a house fire. She was the only one to survive,”

“Holy shit…that’s awful…”

“Yeah I know right? Apparently, she could hear them begging her for help but she couldn’t get to them. So what Rose is calling stress…is more like survivor’s guilt or PTSD or some shit…but don’t tell her! I’m not supposed to say anything outside of group,”

“I won’t,” Rey replies absently.

They enter the canteen, Kaydel waving goodbye to sit with someone else she knows. Rey spies Rose who waves at her from across the room enthusiastically, pointing to the seat she’s saved for her. Rey waves back but it’s tentative.

The smile on her friend’s face is brighter than it’s ever been, and Rey wonders how long it will last.

00000

Rey isn’t sitting as close to Ben as she would like but they’re indoors. Privacy isn’t a luxury and Rey wants to curse the torrential rain that’s preventing them from sitting in their usual spot.

She’s lying on her bed, her head propped up on one arm to look at him. Ben is sitting on the chair that matches her desk. They’re alone in her room but it’s only 3pm and an orderly performs checks every 15 minutes to ensure the rules are being kept. Her door must remain open while she’s in her room with her monitor.

No exceptions.

It’s not perfect but it’s warmer than outside. It’s her safe space and they can still talk. She sips at the vanilla latte he traditionally brings her, and she begins to believe it’s the only good thing that comes from the canteen.

“You know Finn?” Ben nods.

“Yeah, of course. We work together,” Rey’s eyebrows perk up and she pushes herself to a sitting position, her legs dangling off the bed

“So, he does still work here?” Ben smirks.

“He does. Why? Thinking of trading me in?” He teases. His eyes are sparkling with humor and his mouth is half-cocked in a smirk that suddenly makes her skin feel hot.

“Never!” she tries to sound casual, flirty, but it comes out as more of a flustered squeak, “It’s just…he was Rose’s monitor and suddenly he’s not? And…she was really upset by it,”

“It happens sometimes. If a doctor thinks that it would benefit a guest’s treatment then they’ll get a new monitor for another 30 days,” Rey frowns.

“But her 30 days weren’t up,” she wonders, “She told me that…” Ben smiles at Rey sadly. He’s desperately fighting the urge to hold her hand.

“It’s not up to us, sweetheart,” he says softly, “I’m just lucky to get you for however long you need me,”

The term of endearment sounds so natural on his tongue that it almost steals her ability to breathe. Her chest tightens when she repeats his words over in her head on a loop. He says he’s lucky. He says that he’s lucky that she needs him. She hopes, in a way, that he’ll come to need her too, that maybe he already has.

“Well…I guess I was pretty lucky to get you as well,”

A voice. A tiny, silly voice is telling her to just go for it. Just tell him how she feels because people love being told that right? It’s nice to be told that you’re wanted by someone, that you’re needed. She will. She’s going to tell him because she’s done building walls and she wants to be brave.

He makes her want to be brave.

“Ben…”

“Checks!”

The knock at the door is so sharp that it makes Rey jump and if her heart wasn’t beating fast before, it was positively thundering now. Gwen Phasma stands in her doorway at her full, considerable height. She’s wearing her usual white nurses uniform with a red cardigan, her blonde hair pulled back into a severe bun and she’s tapping her foot impatiently.

“Miss Jackson, what are you wearing?”

Rey looks down at her body, still cocooned in Ben’s sweater. She’s barely taken it off since he gave it to her. The way the woman is looking at her makes her feel like a child again. Taking a great interest in her hands, ringing them uncomfortably, Rey answers.

“It’s cold…” she mutters awkwardly. Ben scowls at Phasma and he’d like nothing better than to tell the wicked witch of the west wing to back the fuck off.

“Maple Lodge has a state of the art central heating system which ensures all guests rooms are kept at 62 degrees. You are not cold. You have been provided with a standard issue robe to wear if that is the case…outside clothing is _not_ permitted…”

“Alright, calm down!” Ben orders, standing his full height from the chair, his shoulders squared, “Look, she said she was cold…it’s mine, I let her wear it while I’m here. No harm done so maybe lighten up a little bit _Gwen_!”

The air in the room feels thick, Rey’s eyes darting between the two. It feels like an eternity before Phasma blinks, a perfectly manicured eyebrow raises, and she smiles politely.

“Do not let me see that outside of this room, Miss Jackson,” she says coolly, shooting Ben one final look before walking away, her high heels clicking down the wooden-floored hall.

Rey exhales, pulling the sweater around herself and Ben takes his seat again, bending to meet her eyes.

“You okay? Ignore her, she’s a fucking bitch. If you want to wear it…then wear it,” Rey nods.

“I can’t wait to get out of here,” she sighs, hugging her knees to her chest, “This place…I don’t think it fixes you,”

Rey looks at him like he has the answers and Ben wishes that with every part of him that he does. He reaches forward, his fingers brushing her hair from her face gently and smiles at her.

“You don’t need to be fixed. There’s nothing wrong with you,”

His fingers are warm against her cheek. Her heart beats a little faster and as she unconsciously leans into his touch, Ben’s heart does too.

00000

“You seem happy today Rey, what’s on your mind?”

Rey had brought Doctor Skywalker a coffee and a scone when she arrived for her session and her smile was wide, reading her shining eyes.

“Do you think someone like me could have a relationship? A…romantic relationship I mean,” she asks. Luke nods.

“Of course, I do. Rey, what you are recovering from is acute clinical depression and a form of PTSD. That doesn’t make you incapable of forming meaningful relationships with anyone, even romantic attachments. Is there someone that you’re thinking about?” She nods, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

“There is…but it’s complicated,” She sighs, “Sometimes I think he likes me…but then…he might just be a nice guy and that’s how he is. It’s been so long since I’ve dated and felt this way that I can’t…I can’t make sense of it,”

Luke nods in understanding and she notices that he isn’t writing anything down. He places his paper and pen on the table in front of him.

“Rey, I have to ask you…is the man you’re feeling a romantic attachment to Ben Solo? Your monitor?”

The scarlet flush on Rey’s face and the fact she’s avoiding his eyes confirms what Luke already knows to be true. He’s seen it with his own eyes any time he’s spied the two but now, he knows what he must do.

“I see,” he smiles, “Rey, this isn’t going to be easy for me to tell you this but if that’s the case, I’m going to have to transfer you to another doctor,”

Rey’s eyebrows knot in confusion, her eyes wide and imploring. She’s looking at him like she’s done something wrong, that he’s giving her into trouble and this is her punishment.

“But…but why?” She asks, “I…we haven’t done anything…except for the McDonalds thing but you knew about that and…and…you’re _helping_ me. You’re the only one here except Ben who helps me…”

Luke listens to her patiently, waiting until she stops babbling but he can see the panic on her face.

“The reason I can’t treat you anymore is that now there is a huge conflict of interest. Ben is my nephew,”

Ben is his nephew. Doctor Luke Skywalker is the uncle that helped Ben get his job here. He knows all about her secrets, her feelings and Ben knew from the start. Rey feels more than a little dizzy. She braces her elbows on her knees, holding her head between her hands.

“Oh God…Oh GOD!” She breathes, “and…and I…you know…and…does he know anything? Do you talk about…”

“No!” Luke insists, “We have never discussed the things you’ve said in this room ever!”

It’s not strictly true, he thinks. While he’s never repeated things she or any other patient has said, when he gave Ben his warning, he did make it clear that she had developing feelings. He’s bent, no…broken his own moral code of ethics and now he’s cursing himself for it. More reason for him to stop her treatment immediately.

“Okay…okay…” Rey repeats trying to steady herself. Her chest is tight, and she feels like she’s going to hyperventilate, “So…why didn’t Ben tell me?”

“That we’re related?” Luke asks, “For the same reason Rey. There was no reason for you to know…it wouldn’t have helped your progress, in fact, it might have hindered it. I’m so sorry about this but better that we get you transferred now than allow more lines to get blurred,”

Rey sits silently. Lines are already blurred, and she wonders if there’s even a point trying to stop it now. She feels hurt despite the logic and she doesn’t know where to put the negative energy building in her body.

“Why did he lie to me?”

“He didn’t lie to you Rey,” Luke says gently, “He was being professional. I think it’s best we cut this session short today. I’ll arrange for a new doctor to take over your case immediately,”

Ben is waiting outside the door for her as he always is. He never leaves during her sessions, waiting for her like a dog loyal to its master but when the door opens early his eyebrows fly up in surprise, knotting together in a frown as she marches directly past him without sparing a glance in his direction.

“Rey?” he turns to Luke in confusion, “What’s going on?”

“She knows, Ben” Luke confesses. He sounds tired, “She knows that we’re related and due to the conflict of interest I’m arranging to have Rey’s case transferred to another doctor,”

There’s a dawning of realization on Ben’s face. It’s a mixture of horror and worry. Luke can’t tell what’s more prominent. Ben doesn’t utter another word, nor does he even look at his uncle before he’s marching down the corridor after her.

00000

She must have started running.

That’s the only explanation he has as to how she found her way to her room so quickly, but the door is locked and he’s on the other side knocking and pressing his ear against the wood for movement. Thankfully the corridor is quiet.

“Rey?”

“Go away,”

“Please talk to me…tell me what you’re thinking…”

The door suddenly opens and she’s standing there, her face incredulous and confused. Her eyes are red, her cheeks stained with the few tears she’s allowed to fall.

“What I’m thinking? I’m thinking that you _lied_ to me!” she hisses through her teeth and Ben winces.

“I…Rey, can I come in, so we can talk about this?”

She eyes him warily, eventually stepping aside so he can enter her room. He’s right, she supposes, this isn’t a conversation she wants to have in the open.

“I didn’t lie to you…”

“You didn’t tell me the truth either and a lie of omission is still a lie! I’ve told him so much…he knows things about me that I’ve never told anyone before…” Ben runs his hand through his hair in frustration

“How could I tell you? Luke is a good doctor, in fact, he’s probably the best they have here and at the time…there was no reason. He doesn’t discuss his patients with me and I’ve had charges under his care before,”

Rey sniffs back the tears that are ready to spill once more.

“Then why am I different?!” She wants to shout in anger but all that escapes are a plea for mercy.

He’s so close to her now and he can’t hide the pain in his eyes like she’s rendering him in two. He wants nothing more than to take her in his arms and show her exactly why, but the door is open, and the rules are final.

And he’d never forgive himself if he was the one to break her.

“You know why,” he says softly, “Rey, I…”

“Don’t say it,” she whispers.

She wants to hear them so badly, but her bravery is all but gone. She’s exhausted, one more shot and she’s done for.

“Why?”

“Because it’s something we can’t have right now,” she cries softly, “and I’m so afraid,”

He nods, the movement so slight it’s almost imperceptible but he takes the chance to step closer to her. He needs her to know, but he respects her more than his own impetuous impulses. Instead, he takes her hand and she lets him, relishing in the feeling of his warmth and his thumb brushing her palm.

“Don’t be afraid,” he whispers, “I feel it too,”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all think you know...You all think you had it figured out, didn't you? 
> 
> We are going to start veering towards more fluff romantic territory before I actually break your hearts. It's more of a mid-burn than totally slow ;)

[ ](https://imgur.com/l2hYYHk)

Things have changed between them again.

It’s less subtle than before and she knows they need to be careful. The three unspoken words are saturated into every little action. When he hands her the coffee cup and their fingers brush, when they sit together on their bench and he’s holding her hand discretely. The rest of the afternoon passes in comfortable silence and secret smiles.

It’s in the way his nightly visit evolves past her sitting on the bed while he sits on the chair.

“You’re too far away,” she tells him shyly, “Come and sit with me?”

He knows that he shouldn’t, but they’ve crossed more than one line already. He’s in her room with the door locked after curfew. If they’re caught it won’t matter if he’s sitting on her bed with her or not.

If he’s going to get wet, he might as well go swimming.

He kicks off his sneakers, the mattress of the bed bending with his weight as he crawls next to her. Rey is looking up at him through her lashes bashfully, but she doesn’t move away from him and when he raises his arm, cautiously inviting her closer, she molds herself against his side, her head tucked under his chin.

He smells like coffee, sandalwood, and fabric softener. He can feel her smile against his chest, sending a strange fluttering sensation through his gut, but he won’t push her. He won’t move further than she wants to go. The dance may involve both but he’s more than happy to let her take the lead.

So he holds her close because she lets him, feels the steady rise and fall of her chest and the beat of her heart. His hand idly rubs small circles on her back and she hums in contentment.

Ben is better in tune with the feelings and needs of others than most men. It’s literally part of his job but he’s still a red-blooded man and a beautiful girl he happens to have fallen hard for is pressed against him. He’s willing his body to co-operate and catch up with his common sense.

He’d be lying to say that he hadn’t imagined her body under the baggy, sexless outfit she has to wear each day. Taking himself in hand, he’s thought of her lying naked in his bed, his name on her lips as he’s stroked his achingly hard cock. Biting his lip hard as his spend dripped over his hand. The guilt he felt initially is ebbing as their relationship is growing. Now, lying with her on her bed, it isn’t’ so difficult to imagine a time when those fantasies become a reality.

Rey yawns widely, snuggling closer to the heat of his body and he checks his watch, his hand falling to the crown of her head to stroke her hair gently.

“You should probably get some sleep sweetheart,” he mumbles softly, “It’s been a long day,”

Rey doesn’t respond. She’s dead to the world, peacefully sleeping against the safety of his chest. Ben smiles affectionately, a pang in his heart and he knows, he _knows_ , this is where he’s meant to be. Right by her side, come hell or high water.

As carefully as he can, he slides out from under her, tucking the sheets and comforter around her body so she doesn’t get cold. He brushes her hair out of her serene face, gazing at her with soft eyes before pressing a loving kiss to her forehead.

“Sleep tight baby girl,”

00000

The relief Rey feels when they walk past Doctor Hux’s office is palpable. Ben notices her whole body relax as they walk and he nods in understanding.

“I get it. Hux is a creepy dude,” he comments. Rey rubs her neck awkwardly.

“It’s more than that, Ben…he does something to people. The way he treats them…they aren’t the same anymore. Like Rose…she’s so different now and everyone says it’s a good thing that she’s getting better, but it just doesn’t feel right…”

Ben listens to her as they walk, allowing her to speak without his input. Maybe she is right, maybe something is going on but even if he doesn’t want to admit it, Rey is a patient here too and there’s a chance it’s her own insecurities creating a situation where there isn’t one.

“I understand what you’re saying,” he says gently, “But, for now, focus on yourself. You’ve been doing so well, and you have a new doctor today. I’ll be waiting out here alright?”

They stop outside an office that she doesn’t recognize. Rey has never been this far along the treatment hallway before and she tilts her head curiously.

“Alright, I can do that,” she says with a determined nod. Ben smiles proudly.

“Coffee when you’re done? Vanilla latte?”

“Make it caramel,” she smiles, “I feel like a change today,”

When she makes her way into the office, Rey is surprised to see Luke standing there with another man she assumes is her new therapist.

“Rey, this is doctor Cassian Andor,” Luke says, “I believe he is the best man to continue your treatment. I’ve already briefed doctor Andor with your notes and he’s up to speed. I just wanted to stop in first to make sure you were feeling prepared for this change…I know it can be overwhelming,”

Luke’s office is decorated in natural colors, muted and inoffensive. Calming. Doctor Andor’s office is a little brighter. While Luke had his old grandfather clock and little-potted plants, Cassian Andor displays decorations that celebrate his Mexican heritage. It makes her smile honestly.

“Thank you, I think I’m going to be alright,” Luke nods in satisfaction, bidding the two farewell so they can begin Rey’s session.

“Take a seat Rey,” he says, gesturing to the wide, plush leather sofa. It’s just as comfortable as Luke’s and she sinks into the cushion, “You may call me doctor Andor or Cassian, whatever you feel comfortable with. As Doctor Skywalker has said, he’s already informed me of the situation and your progress. To make sure we can proceed effectively, I’d like to talk a little bit about how you’re feeling about this change?”

His accent is pleasant, and he smiles as he speaks. Rey’s initial worry begins to dissolve, and she reaches forward, helping herself to a cookie from the jar in the middle of his coffee table.

“Well…I guess I was upset at first,”

“And why was that?” Rey shrugs.

“I felt like…I was lied to…I think,” she says slowly, “I couldn’t understand why Ben didn’t tell me straight away,” Cassian nods, jotting down some notes.

“I see, and did you speak to Ben about this?” Rey nods reservedly.

“I did…” she sounds wary, “I…I know it’s against the rules but we haven’t actually done anything, not really…you’re not going to tell anyone are you?” Cassian shakes his head.

“No, Rey,” he confirms, “If it were to hinder your progress or it could be classed as an unhealthy attachment then I would have to report it, however, after speaking with Doctor Skywalker, he assures me that it is not the case. Anything you discuss in here with me is private, I assure you,”

Rey nods in understanding, bolstered by his statement and ready to continue.

“I walked away from him, but he followed me. He stood outside my room and tried to talk to me through the door,”

“And then what happened?”

“Well…I let him in and he explained himself…I guess I listened to him,” Cassian smiles proudly.

“That’s good,” He declares, “That’s very good. Do you see what kind of progress that is?” Rey frowns.

“I don’t understand…”

“Rey, from your notes here I can see that you have issues with confrontation, with communicating openly and honestly with people. This time, instead of shutting the person out…you openly invited them in and listened to what they had to say. That is a very big step and you should be proud of yourself!”

Rey begins to think back and knows that what Cassian says is true. When she was a child and the police asked her to tell them what she remembered, how she was living, she locked herself down. She glowered at the officer, her lips a thin line, and she told them nothing.

In the children’s home, she rarely spoke. Her way of dealing with confrontation was to either swing a fist or hide herself in a closet, away from screaming children and monstrous adults. Her experience in high school was much the same.

With her foster parents, she would slam the door to her room and lock them out, turning her music up as loud as it would go until they gave up.

With Ben, she opened the door, looked him in the eye and listened.

_Building Bridges. Not walls._

“I suppose I did,” she smiles, “Maybe he’s good for me,”

“Maybe he is,” Cassian agrees, “Tell me a little more about your relationship with Ben?” Rey snorts, at a loss where to begin and she shrugs helplessly, almost laughing.

“It’s…new,” she says, “but it’s nice. He makes me feel…normal. He doesn’t look at me like I’m…I’m a crazy person or a liability or a broken toy. He treats me like a person and…I don’t know what we are yet because I’m here and he gets to go home at the end of the day but I’m hoping when I leave here, he’ll still want to see me,”

“That’s good,” he flips through her notes, “Your medication has been lowered again, have you been feeling any different effects? Anything you’ve been struggling with or noticed?”

A flush begins to rise on her cheeks and she reaches for another cookie hoping that he doesn’t notice.

A common side effect of depression is a loss of sex drive. A common side effect of some anti-depressant medication is a loss of sex drive. Now that Rey has begun to feel better and her dosage has been lowered to almost nothing more than a placebo effect? Oh yes, she feels the difference.

It wasn’t that she had never noticed how good-looking Ben is, she isn’t blind, but if her brain was the hare, her body was most certainly the tortoise in this scenario. Slowly, but steadily, her body is catching up to what her mind is thinking and all of it is nothing less than filthy.

“Um, maybe a few changes…” she mutters, wiping the crumbs from her mouth, “Just…I have more…energy. My head isn’t as foggy,”

_I want to ride my monitor through the floorboards._

“All very positive,” he confirms while writing a few more notes, “Now, is there anything else that’s been on your mind recently? Anything you’d like to discuss or get off your chest? This is a safe space,”

Rey looks down at her hands, fidgeting awkwardly.

“Actually, there is…Doctor Skywalker didn’t want to talk to me about it but I’m genuinely worried. You know Rose Tico? Well, she just switched to doctor Hux and since then she’s…different. Everyone thinks it’s positive but…it doesn’t feel real…you know?”

Cassian listens to her carefully and Rey could swear she heard him snort at the sound of Hux’s name. His mouth becomes a grim line.

“Technically Doctor Skywalker is correct,” he sighs, “We’re not supposed to comment on other patients or the…techniques other doctors use. Your concern, however, isn’t unfounded,”

Rey perks up, sitting forward to lean on her knees and listen closer. For the first time, someone in this impossibly frustrating place is validating her concerns and she wants to know more.

“I feel, as a therapist, it’s my job to help people deal with their trauma…to help them make sense of their mind and give them the tools to work through it all. It can take years, mental health is not a straight line…there are twists and turns and it can be so messy as you well know,” he explains, “Doctor Hux on the other hand, well…he has some experimental methods that he was taught by his mentor. Instead of facing the issues…he simply finds a way to help his patients ignore them,”

Rey listens with bated breath, her mouth hanging slack. His words make so much sense to her when she thinks of what Rose has been through, how heartbroken she seemed in comparison to her complete turnaround in mood

“But…what happens if they remember?” Rey asks. Cassian sighs heavily.

“That…is the problem. It does far more harm than good,”

When their time runs out, Ben is waiting at the door as he promised.

00000

“So, I had my session with my new doctor today…” Rey says, sitting across from Rose as she always does at the dinner table. Rose smiles at her enthusiastically.

“Oh! How did it go?”

“Good! I think…Doctor Andor is very nice, I like his manner,” Rose nods encouragingly.

“It’s a shame you didn’t get Doctor Hux,” she says. She’s mixing her rice in with her vegetables and sauce happily, “Honestly, he’s helped me so much. I can’t tell how much for free I feel!”

Rey inhales sharply and Cassian’s words come back to the forefront of her mind.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how?” Rey says delicately, “You do seem much…lighter,” Rose grins.

“It’s like…he made everything go away,” she says, dropping her fork as she gestures wildly, “He helps you take everything that hurts…it’s like it’s locked in a little box…” Rey winces.

“But…isn't that unhealthy?” she asks, “Our past experiences make us who we are, for better or worse. Is forgetting really better?”

Rose pauses uncomfortably, looking at Rey with an evaluating, unrelenting stare.

“Maybe I didn’t like who I was?” Rose says quietly, “Maybe I wanted to be someone else…sometimes not everything can be worked through and I’m _happy_ now. You can get that, right?”

There’s something so broken in her voice, small and afraid. She’s begging Rey to understand that maybe she can’t be fixed. Maybe this is just a way of healing that suits her because everyone is different.

Right?

“I suppose,” Rey says cautiously. Cassian’s words once again resound in her head and she doesn’t want to chance that she could do more harm than good by stoking a fire she won’t be able to put out, “If he’s helping you then I’m happy for you. As long as you’re alright,”

And just like that, Rose smiles again. She abandons her plate, grabbing at her pudding cup with glee. Rey returns her smile, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

00000

Maple Lodge is a strange place.

At least that’s the conclusion Rey reaches. It’s almost the end of her third week but the whole experience is so intense and relentless that she feels like she’s been there a lifetime.

People pay upwards of $500 _per day_ just to be there. They sign themselves in and hand over all control of their lives to these people who take away their cell phones, their clothes and anything else that can give them a sense of identity. They do it willingly. They agree that they can volunteer to enter but they can only leave when someone else deems them fit.

Rey wonders if _that_ is the first sign of madness.

Rey assumes her foster parents must thank their stars that she’s on their insurance and more importantly, that she’s covered.

Inside the luxury mental health prison that it really is, where so many things are restricted (for the good of the _guests_ of course), a barter system happens, and Rey soon discovers if she speaks to the right people, she could almost get anything. So many guests would pocket their medication instead of taking it. Valium is almost another form of currency.

She almost wished she had known this sooner before her medication was changed. Now she barely takes more than a light anti-depressant in the morning and evening.

Something she knows she can get on the Maple Lodge ‘black market’ is a razor, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t want something used, blunt and tarnished. She needs something new and sharp. Something that’s going to do the job well.

Her legs have gone too far.

For the first time in weeks, she decides that she’s going to take a bath. Not a shower where she washes as quickly as possible and hopes the steam of the hot water fogs the glass enough to hide her naked body from the nurses on watch. It’s not that she’s modest but washing under the scrutiny of a woman waiting to see if she attempts to take her own life is _not_ Rey’s idea of a relaxing time.

But her body is tired and coming to her senses a little more each day means she feels like she’s seeing herself for the first time. It’s hardly the beauty salon treatment she craves but a hot bath and some self-maintenance is a good start.

Rey enters the bathroom she’s reserved with a happy sigh. It’s all-natural colors and doesn’t seem nearly as sterile as the other washrooms. In fact, it’s the closest Rey has seen to the spa that Maple Lodge professes to be. She hangs up her towel and robe before she begins running the water into the tub.

She has one hour.

The tub is over halfway full, bubbles growing, when the knock at the door sounds. Ben is standing on the other side and she is the last person he expects to see.

“Ben! Um…hi, what are you doing here?” Rey asks, her voice far higher and less controlled than she would like, “I’m about to take a bath…”

He holds up the razor she requested.

“Yeah…I know,” he replies awkwardly, “but there’s a problem…there isn’t a female monitor free to, y’know…so you might not be able to. I can technically take the shift since I’m your monitor but…I understand if you’re uncomfortable with that and...you don’t have to… _I_ don’t want to make you uncomfortable…like…in _any_ way,”

He’s babbling. He shaved the day before and Rey can’t help but notice how much younger he looks with just a thin layer of stubble on his face. She smiles, partly out of amusement over his reaction and partly out of the sudden realization that Ben might be the only person in the whole damn building she _is_ comfortable bathing in front of.

She plucks the razor from his hand.

“Ben, are _you_ alright with it?” she asks. He nods.

“Yeah…yeah, totally,” he says, “This isn’t about me. It’s my job. This is about you,”

“Good,” Rey says, feigning confidence to cover the strange sensation building in her gut, “Let me take my damn bath. I’ve only got 50 minutes now,”

He signs his name on the login sheet that hangs at the door, stepping inside and closing the door behind them. There are no cameras in this room. Technically they could do whatever they wanted but it’s a line he just doesn’t want to cross. Not until she tells him.

“So…you’re okay with this? Definitely? You’re giving me permission to be in here while you’re in the bath…naked…”

“Well, I’m hardly going to be wearing my clothes…”

He chuckles and the sound that emerges is more pitched than he’d like. It betrays the nerves overtaking his body and he clears his throat, taking his seat. Rey stops the running water, the steam rising from the tub and the bubbles almost overflowing.

He covers his eyes, the heels of his hands pressed firmly into his sockets while she undresses, and he hears the sloshing of the water and the long, blissful moan that leaves her lips as the heat cocoons her body. The sound makes his jaw clench.

“Ben, you can open your eyes…”

Can he though? He’s imagined her naked body more often than he feels comfortable admitting but now she’s there, in front of him stripped to the skin. Despite their surroundings, it’s so intimate it makes him shudder.

Slowly, he moves his hands and there she is, smiling at him timidly. Her body is surrounded by a mountain of bubbles, but one hasty move and she’ll be uncovered.

“You have no idea how good this feels,” she groans, tipping her head back until she’s submerged, only to reappear with her hair plastered to her head, “I can’t remember the last time I did this. Long before here, anyway,”

His mouth is dry. His throat is tight and even the sound of the water moving around her is making his cock jump.

Something about the way he’s watching her, his dark eyes burning with need ignites a spark in her. She feels like her hibernated hormones have been shocked awake, running rampant around her body, a pulse of desire running along the apex of her thighs.

Remembering why she’s there in the first place, Rey tears her eyes away from him, grabbing the razor and lathering her body.

“I can’t say I’ve ever shaved in front of a guy before,” she says, attempting to keep her tone light and joking, “This is a new one on me,” He chuckles.

“I can always cover my eyes again if you want,”

“Well, shaving my underarms is hardly the sexiest sight in the world. I would hate for your opinion of me to change…I’ve got an illusion to maintain!” He grins playfully, relaxing only just.

“Don’t be ridiculous. One look at you in that sexy green suit and I’m a goner,” he jests, “But, just for you…”

She blushes and hopes he believes it’s just the temperature of the water. Ben covers his eyes once more and she sets about removing the hair from her underarms. When the task is done she feels better already.

“Okay…you can look again,” she instructs, “I’ve moved on,”

He removes his hands to see a long, slender soaked leg hanging out of the tub. Water and the rapidly melting bubbles barely cover her modesty but only just, and he bites the inside of his cheek hard.

Glancing up at him, Rey smirks. Who is this that she’s becoming? This wanton little tease, shredding all shyness and insecurity that’s plagued her. She’s never had a man look at her the way Ben is, and she finds that she likes it. She craves it.

But only from him.

The razor glides along from her ankle, up and carefully over her knee. His eyes follow every inch of the movement, his throat bobbing as he swallows hard. The action does nothing to relieve the tightness in his windpipe.

She finishes, rubbing her hand over her silken, soaked skin in satisfaction. He’s sure the inside of his cheek is bleeding and his jaw is clenched so tightly it aches. The water in the tub shifts violently when she moves to her other leg, the bubbles shifting enough that just the hint of her breasts are on show, a single rosy nipple barely visible through the translucent mask of bubbles.

They both know she’s on display but while he’s frozen to the spot, dumbstruck and almost panting, Rey is smiling to herself because his reaction to her only confirms what she had hoped to be true.

She knows he cares for her, just as she cares for him. He would have said those words if she hadn’t stopped him, but now? Now she knows that he _wants_ her.

And, fuck, does she want him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:
> 
> First of all, I know, I KNOW, that in real life there is no way in hell a male attendant would ever be allowed to keep watch on a female patient while she's bathing. Absolutely not. However, this is a story...and it's mine so yeah, I'm letting that happen. You don't need to leave me little 'fact check' comments telling me about it.
> 
> If we're looking at the Doctors of Maple Lodge in terms of alignment - Luke and Holdo are Lawful Good, Andor is Chaotic Good and Hux falls somewhere between Neutral Evil and Chaotic Evil. So each has their own morals.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the encouraging comments. This story is different from anything I've tried before so it's lovely to read that people are enjoying it even if I'm making them tense with THAT warning in the tags.
> 
> With that being said, please enjoy this serving of fluff with a side of smut. Yup. I said smut. 
> 
> There won't be another update until early next week since I'm taking the weekend off for my birthday :D

[](https://imgur.com/k1EN0j8)

Rey isn’t sure if it’s the yoga or her hot soak from the previous evening, but she feels fantastic.

It could also have something to do with the fact she had an orgasm, a real, full body orgasm for the first time in months.

He had walked her back to her room, the unspoken tension between them filling the air like smoke and when he bid her goodnight she was fighting the urge to grab him by the hair and throw him on her bed.

Being where they were and not wanting Ben to lose his job, Rey clutched at the last of her common sense.

As soon as she was inside, she was back on the bed, her robe opened so her hands could roam her naked body. Closing her eyes, she could almost imagine it was him and that thought alone caused a whimpered moan.

She was so wet just thinking of him, how he had watched her. His dark eyes almost black with hunger. Legs spread, she pushed two fingers into her soaked pussy, pumping herself relentlessly as her other hand found her clit, creating delicious friction against the hub of nerves. Imagining how his fingers, his cock would stretch her in the most gratifying way and she could hear his voice in her head calling her name.

_That’s it baby, come for me…show me…_

When she broke, her back arched violently and she cried out his name, shoving her face into her pillow to muffle the screams. She was left trembling and still wanting more.

She smirks to herself thinking of it all as she walks back from breakfast towards her room.

Rose was still as happy as she ever was. Chatty and excitedly discussing her future. She wants to go back to school to study something like physics. She wants to get an apartment in Boston, take up running, perhaps learn an instrument. Maybe she’ll even get a cat.

She wants to be out by Christmas because she’s never had a Christmas tree of her own. Rey plans to be out sooner than that.

Rey listens to it all, occasionally chiming in. All the while the concern of what she knows simmers beneath the surface and she’s looking at her friend like she’s a time bomb waiting to blow.

The knock at her door that she’s waiting for sounds right on time but today, something is different. Ben is standing with a smile on his face, but he isn’t in uniform. She scans his body, from the black boots on his feet, up his legs clad in dark, slim jeans to his white tee and forest green, flannel shirt. On top, he’s wearing a dark grey wool coat that falls to his knees.

If she thought he was handsome in his uniform, he’s positively stunning now and Rey grips the door to keep her knees from wobbling.

“Get changed into your regular clothes,” he says, “We’re doing something a little different today,”

Rey blinks at him and she wishes she could blame her mental health for how stupefied he’s rendered her.

“Wait…what?” she stammers, “Different? What are we doing?”

“You wanna get out of here?” he drawls, grinning with sparkling eyes.

Her own eyes are so wide she’s sure they’ve taken over her face and her mouth is only fit for catching flies.

“Like…like…leave? As in…go outside past the gates?!” she gasps, “But…won’t we get caught…”

“I’ve already cleared it with Doctor Andor and Doctor Holdo. They’ve both signed off on it,” he confirms, “They call it a ‘monitored day excursion’ but I’d rather call it a…date,”

“You want to take me on a date?” she says softly, still staring at him like he’s a beautiful figment of her imagination. He nods, jamming his hands in his coat pocket and looking like a shy little boy.

“I mean…yeah if you want to that is…” he says, “I just…I know you want to get out and it’s not perfect but…it’s something,”

Rey’s teeth worry at her bottom lip, leaving little indents in the pink flesh, her eyes flicking to his own. They’re full and perfect and she wants nothing more than to wrap her fingers around the collar of his coat.

“You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now,” she breathes, meeting his eyes and watching his pupils. She swears she can see them dilate as he sucks in a sharp inhale to control his own breathing.

“Oh, I have an idea,” he growls low, “Get changed and meet me at the reception,”

00000

Rey is going on a date.

Okay, she’s on day release from a mental health rehabilitation facility and the guy she’s going out with is her monitor but it’s a date none the less and suddenly she can’t remember how to breathe.

As soon as the door is closed, and she’s left alone again, Rey rushes to the closet to pull out her suitcase. Within seconds the room looks like there’s been an explosion in the Bloomingdales women’s department.

Where to even begin? What does he have planned? She wished she’d pressed him for more details. Deciding to follow his lead, Rey opts for a pair of skinny jeans, a grey knit sweater and a pair of flat, brown leather boots. Grabbing her makeup for the first time in what feels like forever, she applies enough to still look natural and relaxed.

She smiles at her reflection in the mirror. The giddy excitement bringing a natural flush to her cheeks. This is how she used to look, she thinks, before the weight of it all began to drag her down. Before the walls she built around herself began to close in.

It’s pleasing to look this way again and what’s more, she’s relieved that she likes what she sees.

Ignoring the inquisitive and curious looks as she leaves her room, Rey heads towards the pristine Maple Lodge reception. She hears the whispers, wondering why she isn’t dressed like them. Where is she going? Is she getting out? It’s none of their business so Rey just keeps on walking.

Ben’s eyes light up when she emerges from the door, blushing prettily under his gaze, but he doesn’t say anything, and she realizes that he can’t. Not in front of the other staff members. The woman behind the desk coolly pushes a form towards him.

“By signing this you are accepting all responsibility for the wellbeing of our guest while not on Maple Lodge property. You are expected back no later than 8pm. The guest is under no circumstances to partake in drugs or alcohol under your care, is that understood?”

“Yeah, fine,” Ben mutters, signing his name.

Rey sighs. If this were a normal date, he’d have picked her up at her front door. The look he would give her is the same, but he’d tell her that she looks pretty and ask if she was ready to go. She wouldn’t be standing in the reception of rehab jail while a receptionist spoke about her like a child he was babysitting. Like she wasn’t even there.

When it’s done, Ben roughly shoves the forms back to the woman and it’s obvious he’s as irritated by the situation as Rey is. He turns to her, smiling and nodding towards the front door. They leave in silence and Ben doesn’t speak until they’re well out of earshot of anyone who would listen.

“You look beautiful,”

As they walk out of the main gate towards his car, she smiles when he takes her hand in his.

00000

Chester is one of those towns that looks like a postcard.

The old buildings are quaint and it’s like they’re stuck in another time. People pay them no attention as they walk hand in hand and for the first time in forever Rey feels peaceful. The crisp fall air whips around her and she can’t keep the giddy smile from her face.

“What do you have planned then?” She asks. He squeezes her hand and the sensation is a direct shock to her chest.

“It’s your day sweetheart,” he replies, “I’m happy to do whatever you want. I will say this though…I could eat,”

Just when she thought he couldn’t be more perfect.

“Holy shit,” she grins, “Yes, I am starving…”

“I’m not surprised. I saw what you have for breakfast in there…a piece of toast and half a cup of coffee is _not_ enough,” He scolds lightly, “Come on, I know a great little place,”

He gives her arm a light tug, changing the direction of their walk until they arrive at a diner. The place is small, rustic and the smell of home cooked food immediately wafts to Rey’s nose. Her stomach growls.

“Ben Solo!”

Rey jumps at the sudden voice shouting across the room, unconsciously clinging to Ben’s arm. He smiles gently, stroking her back and she feels foolish for being so jumpy.

“It’s okay,” he soothes, “I know her,”

A small, older woman steps out from behind the counter, her large glasses magnifying her eyes reminding Rey of an owl.

“Hey Maz,” he greets. She walks up to him, pulling him down by his coat to examine his face closely.

“It’s a good thing you’re here. You’re not eating enough boy,” she chastises with a tut. Her eyes move over to Rey, still clinging to Ben’s bicep, “And who is this lovely young lady?”

“Maz, this is Rey…” Ben replies slowly. Maz’s face splits into a huge grin.

“Ah, the girl you’ve told me about! Welcome my dear, come in. Take a seat you two and Maz will take care of you!”

Moving behind them both, she ushers them to a booth near the window, gesturing for one of her waiting staff to bring them menus and coffee.

“You told her about me?” Rey asks in wonder and Ben blushes.

“I…I might have mentioned you,” he mutters, picking up the menu and thanking the waitress for the beverage. Rey immediately grabs for the sugar while she smiles.

“What did you say about me?” Really what she wants to know is if Maz knows where she came from, what she’s been through and if she’s going to judge her, but she trusts Ben too much to think that he’d betray her trust that way.

“I only told her that I met this girl from Boston…and that I think she’s amazing,” he replies quietly.

“You think I’m amazing?” she repeats, her eyes are wide and imploring. She almost hates that she’s begging for the reassurance that she sorely needs but when he looks back at her she can’t see anything except softness and acceptance.

“You know I do,” he breathes, reaching for her hand to press a gentle kiss against her knuckles. His lips are warm, soft and a different kind of hunger is growing in her belly.

“Ready to order?”

Forgetting that it isn’t just the two of them in the diner, Rey bites back a curse when the waitress appears, and she has to remind herself that the young girl is only doing her job. Fixing a polite smile on her face, she orders her food and Ben smiles in amusement, his eyebrows raised when she’s done.

“Hungry much?” Rey sticks her tongue out.

“If you’d been eating what that place gives you for just over 3 weeks, you’d be hungry too,” she says, “The fact they charge so much money and have such a fancy canteen, but they still can’t feed us actual food? It’s a crime!”

“You’ll enjoy it here. Maz has owned this place since forever,” he smiles, “I’m in here all the time,”

“So, do you live nearby?” She asks, sipping her coffee and deciding there still isn’t enough sugar. Ben nods.

“Yeah…not too far. Maz is an old friend of the family, she’s known me since I was a kid…still treats me like one too,” Rey smiles, leaning forward on her elbows.

“Tell me about your family,” she asks, “I feel like you know everything about me…”

Ben squirms awkwardly in his seat, wrinkling his nose.

“Not too much to tell. My Mom was a senator, she’s retired now. My Dad is retired too, he was a lecturer in archaeology…I guess you already know my Mom’s brother, Luke,” he sighs heavily, “We…actually we didn’t talk for a long time. Growing up, everyone thought I had this perfect life with this perfect family but…I spent more time down here with Maz watching me than I did at home. When I was at home, it was with a nanny…and I grew up into this angry kid. I got into fights all the time, got kicked out of school…I blamed them for never being there, for not caring. It took a long time to finally work past those issues,”

Ben winces suddenly, realizing what he’s saying and to whom. He wipes his hand over his face, gritting his teeth.

“Fuck, I’m sorry…you don’t need to hear about my family troubles,” he says, “Besides, it was a long time ago…we’re in a better place now…”

Part of her wants to be angry. He was born into what most would call privilege. A nice family with two parents who probably tried their best to give him everything. He had Maz. Hell, he had a fucking _nanny_ for crying out loud.

But she can’t.

She knows what it’s like to feel betrayed. Abandoned. She has also been the one to push away people who just want to love her.

“You know, if there’s something I’ve learned recently it’s that you’re allowed to feel how you feel. Nobody can tell you that you’re wrong for being angry or for feeling let down,” she says, “Your experiences are your own. It’s nice that you’re talking to your family again,”

“What about you? Have you spoken to your foster parents?”

He knows. Of course, he knows because she told him about her past. He was there when she began her letter to them.

“Yeah, actually I have,” she says, “They got my letter…all 10 pages of it, front and back!”

“Sounds like you had a lot to get off your chest,” Rey nods, draining her coffee.

“I did. They…they didn’t know any of it…not really. So, I told them. They wrote back and…I think things are going to be better,” she smiles softly, “I kinda wish I’d done it sooner. I haven’t felt so free in a long time,”

Their food arrives, and Rey is presented with a stack of pancakes Ben is convinced she’ll never finish as well as a side of bacon, hash browns, and sausage. The look of sheer joy on her face makes his heart sing. He likes making her smile, even if all he’s done is provide lunch.

“What’s your plans then?” he asks between bites, “For when you leave?”

“I think I’m going to go back to school,” she says, her speech garbled with half-chewed pancake, “I’ll probably have to re-sit this year, but I want to graduate,”

“That’s a good plan,” Ben nods, “I was actually thinking of studying…”

“Really? In Boston?” she asks shyly, swallowing her food slowly. Ben nods, holding her eyes.

“Yeah…maybe. I want to qualify so I can actually be a councilor…maybe work with kids who need help. There’re some great courses at Boston University. I’d probably have to move…Vermont is a little far to commute…”

There’s a half smile on her face as she looks back to her food, methodically cutting the fluffy sponge into little squares.

“I live in Boston…” she says quietly, “I guess you’d be my neighbor,”

“Yeah…I guess I would,”

00000

They walk together around the town, towards the park and Rey has already decided that if this is all they do for the rest of their time together she’ll be happy. She dwells a little of the possibility that Ben would move to Boston, that he could be right on her doorstep. He says it’s because he wants to study, that he wants to carve out a career for himself, but Rey can’t help the tiny, selfish part of her brain that wants him to move for her.

The view over the lake is different from their regular spot at Maple Lodge. They’re sitting together looking at the body of water from the other side. There’s no fence to obstruct their view, no cameras watching their every move. Everything is peaceful except for the riot that Rey feels building in her body having him so near.

His arm is around her shoulders, holding her close against the heat of his body in the chilly autumn air, nothing in comparison to the warmth of his gaze, the fire in his dark eyes. She feels him looking at her, holding her breath when he leans towards her, his nose stroking along hers until her eyes flutter close and finally, _finally_ , she feels his lips take her.

So soft at first, tentatively testing her reaction until he feels her tongue swipe along the seem of his lips, silently pleading for the access he’s more than happy to grant. She tastes like maple candy and her mouth is responsive to every move he makes. She whimpers against him softly, feeling his hand come to cup her cheek, his thumb tracing her skin.

It’s not enough, not now she’s tasted him. Not now she knows how soft his lips truly are, how he feels holding her tightly against his body. She breaks for only a moment to turn, straddling his lap and grabbing his coat to pull him back to her. Every time they break for air, another small kiss follows like a signature. He groans feeling her grind against him, resentful that they find themselves outside, no matter how alone they might be.

“You said…you lived near here, right?” she pants, leaning her forehead against his. He pulls back, so he can see her face clearly, the weight of her question hanging in the air.

She’s in his lap, staring at him with those wide hazel eyes and he’s helpless. His cock is painfully hard in his jeans already and his head is spinning but before he makes any decision, he must know.

“Are you sure?” he whispers, “I don’t want to hurt you…or mess things up…”

She silences him with another kiss, firmer and more insistent than the last and he’s breathing hard when she pulls back.

“Listen to me very carefully. I know what I’m doing, I know what I’m saying, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about this,” she says clearly, “I want this…I want you…do you still want me?”

“Fuck yes,” he breathes, peppering her jaw and neck with his lips, “You have no idea how much I want you…”

“Then have me,”

00000

His apartment is nice, she supposes.

For all the 10 seconds she gets to see of it.

The minute his front door closes, hands are flying to clothes, tearing and pulling them from bodies, coats and shirts and shoes creating a trail from the front hall to the bedroom he dances her towards.

They’re stripped to nothing but underwear by the time the back of his knees hit the bed, falling to a sit as Rey climbs to straddle his hips, her hands fisting in his hair as he explores her with his tongue. They groan in tandem, feeling his cock grinding against her soaked cunt through the fabric of his boxers. Her panties are all but useless, wet through for him.

“Fuck baby,” he whispers, “You are so beautiful…I’ve dreamed of this…having you here,”

She feels his fingers snake up her spine, reaching the clasp on her bra that he flicks open, pulling the garment away so he can gaze at her reverently. He rolls her to her back, leaning over her, his dark hair falling around him.

“I meant it when I said you’re amazing,” a gentle kiss is pressed to her cheek, followed by her jaw. His tongue swirls over the point of her pulse gently, hot against her skin, her breath catching in her throat, “Fuck baby, you’re so wet…”

Her back arches from the bed, her face blissed out when his fingers reach her. He’s barely grazing the outline of her slit through her panties and already she feels like her body is going to combust. His fingers grip the hem of the useless fabric and his eyes flick up to hers in question.

“You’re sure?”

He’s beautiful. He’s sweet and kind and as much as she adores him, Rey is certain she’s going to kill him if he asks that question one more time.

“Ben…if you don’t fuck me I’m going to be very disappointed,” her voice is halfway between a whine and a snarl and it makes Ben chuckle despite how painfully hard he is.

Taking the hint, he pulls away her panties leaving her bare to him and he’s watching her body like she’s the holy grail, like she’s hung the moon in the sky and oh how she could get used to this.

He removes the last of his clothing and it’s her turn to stare. He’s a damn work of art and Rey decides then and there that those uniforms do _nothing_ for him. He’s between her open legs, on his knees, his cock so hard that it’s tinged purple and leaking in his hand as he strokes himself.

It’s the calm before a storm. The stretched band before it snaps. The slowing car of a rollercoaster before the drop. They’re bare to each other, breathing hard through loose lips and gazing into the other’s eyes. Rey can’t tell who the hunter or the prey is anymore, but she needs him to _escalate_.

“Come here,”

The car drops. The band breaks and a storm rages around them as he captures her in a bruising, urgent kiss, her teeth nipping at his full lower lips and he groans, blinding fumbling to his nightstand. Her hand shoots out to his wrist.

“I’ve got an implant,” she says between kisses, “And I’m clean…I’ve not been with anyone in a long time…”

“Me too,” he utters. It’s the only sentence his brain has the power to string together. He’s desperate with want and having her writhing naked below him is doing nothing for his IQ.

There’s no pretense when he takes her. She’s done with waiting, he’s been respectful and now he wants to know her. He wants to see her come undone for him. Fingers grip his shoulders tightly as he stretches her, pushing to the hilt until his hips are pressed flush against hers and his head drops to her collarbone.

She tenses below him, her body unaccustomed to his size and he stills, kissing her gently.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m so fucking sorry,” he breathes. She’s tight and hot around him and he’s desperate to move but not until he knows she’ll be there with him.

“It’s okay…it’s okay…I’m fine,” she groans, “Move. You won’t break me,”

He’s skeptical. He knows fine well there’s a very good chance that he can but the way she’s looking at him through half-mast eyes and how she feels clenched around him, who is he to deny her anything?

She gasps as he sets his pace, working her raw, the sensations he’s causing pulling her apart molecule by molecule. He’s ripping the chains that have weighed her down away one by one with every stroke.

“I’m yours, Rey,” he groans, “You hear me? Whatever you need, I’m yours…I’m gonna take care of you…”

His voice, so sincere and low, rumbling from his chest like thunder. He’s telling her words she thought she’d never heard, giving her something she thought she didn’t deserve and tears spill from her eyes without warning.

“I need you…I need you, Ben,”

An arm wrapped under her lower back as he sits to his knees, pumping against her, his agile fingers find her, rubbing at her clit in motions that makes her damp eyes roll back. She’s falling at the seams and he’s there to hold the pieces in place.

“Let go baby…I’m here…I’ll always be here…”

Seeing stars, her vision whites out as she arches from the bed, crying out his name while he works her through her orgasm, her cunt fluttering around him and gripping him so tightly that he has no choice but to follow, spilling his seed into her, hips pressed together tightly.

Their harsh, erratic breathing fills the air, Ben pulling from her with a light moan and rolling to his back. She feels his cum drip down her thigh and knows what it feels like to be cherished. He comes to his side to kiss her gently, wiping away the last of her tears.

“Don’t cry baby girl,” he whispers, “Everything’s alright…I’m here,”

Nothing exists outside of the four walls she finds herself in. It’s their own little world where there is no Maple Lodge, no doctors or medication. He’s not her monitor, he’s Ben and he’s _hers_. So much in life has confused her until now but she knows how she feels, and her place in all this makes sense when he kisses her, whispering three words against her lips.

“I love you,”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, see that big warning at the top of the page? The big one in bold writing? This is it.
> 
> Things are going to get dark from here for a chapter or two. Please note, I have a firm HEA policy, however, I completely understand that this kind of story is not for everyone. I get that. If you decided to stick with it for this chapter then, firstly, thank you, but also YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Don't come for me in the comments about the subject matter when I've already warned you.
> 
> So *TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, SEDATION*
> 
> Deep breath...

[](https://imgur.com/xcH3S43)

Scratch marks down his back.

Bite marks on her inner thighs.

They’re both breathless, their bodies spent. Rey can still taste him on her tongue as the sweat on their skin cools. She’s lost track of the hours they’ve spent together, exploring each other’s bodies with hands, lips, tongues, and teeth. The light outside is dying. An ominous reminder that soon they’re going to have to leave to the safety of his bed.

She’s lying on his chest, her head tucked under his chin while his hand plays absently with her hair. Their heartbeats have only just begun to return to a regular rhythm again.

“What time is it?” she asks quietly. Ben turns his head towards his nightstand, spying the LED numbers on the clock.

“We still have some time,” he replies softly, “It’s not a far drive and we don’t need to move for at least 3 more hours,”

Shifting her body, Rey drapes herself onto of him, turning to rest her chin on her hand while she lies on his chest.

“What if I didn’t go back?” she says, “What if I just…stayed…”

Ben smiles at her softly, brushing his fingers through her hair, stroking her cheek.

“You should go back, sweetheart,”

“You…you want me to go back there?” He can hear the panic already rising in her voice, the immediate tension in her muscles and the hurt beginning to cloud in her eyes and he shakes his head.

“Listen to me baby, hear me out,” he says gently, “You signed on for 30 days. You have, what? 9 days’ worth of treatment left? Then you’ll be signed out and you can leave knowing that you’ve completed it all. Not to mention, if you break your agreement…you’ll invalidate your insurance and have to pay for the whole damn thing yourself,”

Rey frowns in annoyance. He’s right, she knows that he is, but it doesn’t make things any less annoying.

“What if I don’t get out after 30 days? What if they decide I need…more,”

“You will,” Ben replies confidently, “You’re strong, you’re in control of yourself and there’s no reason for them to suggest you need to stay any longer. I’m going to be there the whole time…I’ll take extra hours, every day and then you’ll get stamped out and we’ll work things out…together,”

She bites her lip, her eyes full of uncertainty. She wants to feel confident in his words, to take him at face value but old habits die hard.

“So…when I leave…you still want to, I don’t know, whatever this is…”

She feels herself being pulled towards him, his hand gentle but firm on the back of her head as he kisses her softly as if trying to erase any doubt with the action alone. She’s breathless and her heart is beating just a little harder when he pulls away.

“Rey, I love you. I don’t say things I don’t mean,” he says, softly but seriously, “We will work things out. I’ll come and visit you or you can stay here with me on weekends or…it doesn’t matter, what matters is that I want you. All of you, no matter what that looks like,”

Rey wonders if there’s a sadness to the fact she cries so often that she barely feels the stinging sensation behind her eyes but there’s moisture pooling above her lashes and his face is blurring. He cups her face, wiping away her tears with his thumbs.

“I love you,” she says, “You don’t make me better…well, maybe you do but…you make me want to be better. I’ll go back…if anything, I’m still worried about Rose,”

“I know baby,” he soothes, “Finn has been beside himself since they moved him. I guess he really does have feelings for her…”

“Ben, what if they try to move you?” Rey asks, giggling when she suddenly finds herself rolled to her back, Ben’s large frame covering hers.

“It won’t matter. I’ll find you, no matter what…I’ll always find you,”

His promise feels like a balm to her insecurities. Little by little, every day the little voice gets smaller, weaker. It’s still there, but the power it holds over her is lessening. There’s another voice now. It’s deep, rich and warm. It tells her that she’s worth being loved and cared for.

It sounds like Ben.

00000

The sky is an inky black dotted with stars and marbled with dark clouds by the time they arrive at Maple Lodge.

Letting go of his hand feels like a physical ache and she knows he feels it too as his fingers linger against hers just a second longer than they have to. 9 days. Just 9 more days.

Entering the reception, Ben is handed the form to sign his charge back into the facility. His signature is slow, reluctant and he wonders if he’s making the right decision encouraging her to return to finish her treatment.

He walks her to her room to find that Gwen Phasma is standing there, tapping her foot impatiently. A cool smile appears on her face that Ben does not return.

“Cutting it a little fine aren’t we Solo?” she comments, checking her watch, “Miss Jackson, so good to have you back. Can’t imagine what you two were doing that would take the whole day…”

“Rey wanted to make the most of her time outside this place,” he replies, gritting his teeth. The woman’s cold, blue eyes dance over the smaller woman in front of her. His muscles tense, a twitch quivering below his left eye.

“Hmm. I’ll bet she did,” Phasma smirks, watching the minute movement Rey makes, uncomfortably shifting behind Ben’s body, “Well, time to get you back into your required clothing. I do hope you _enjoyed_ yourself,”

Ben’s eyes follow the woman as she walks away from them, the heels of her shoes echoing. Only when she’s safely away from them does he guide Rey into her room.

“Ben, she knows! She has to know, there’s no way she doesn’t…” Rey stresses. Taking one more glance at the hall, Ben closes the door. Holding her face gently, he bends down to her eye level.

“It doesn’t matter. She can’t prove a fucking thing okay?” he says calmly, “You have 9 more days, that’s all. I won’t let her get to us,”

She nods shakily, accepting the kiss he offers. There’s something behind it that she can’t quite place, a tension, worry, but he tells her to trust him.

She’s building bridges, not walls, and she wants to do as he’s asking her because what choice does she really have?

She trusts him.

00000

Their table is empty.

A frown is etched on her face and she’s glaring at her breakfast. It’s too quiet and she knows why. The bubbly, chatty Vietnamese girl she is so used to seeing every morning isn’t there. At the next table, Kaydel sits pushing around her cereal.

“Kaydel? Have you seen Rose this morning?” Rey asks. The fair-haired girl shrugs.

“Nope. Maybe she’s not feeling well? She wasn’t looking too good yesterday,”

A sharp pang of guilt hits Rey in the chest. She wouldn’t have noticed because she didn’t actually see Rose past breakfast yesterday. Sighing heavily, Rey stands, abandoning her tray and heading towards the rooms.

“Rose?” she calls gently, knocking on the door. “It’s Rey, are you in there?”

Her stomach clenches, testing the handle of the door and feeling it give under her hand. Rose is sitting cross-legged in the middle of her bed, scribbling furiously on paper. Rey tries to keep her breathing calm despite the sick feeling in her stomach. Rose hasn’t looked at her once since she walked in.

The bed, her floor, every surface seems covered with scribbled sheets. Carefully, Rey picks one up. The drawings are crude, some she can barely make out. Houses, faces, flames…

“Rose?” she calls again, “Are you alright? Say something to me…”

Rose’s eyes are wide as she stops her frantic drawing, staring up at Rey on the edge of hysteria.

“I…I keep seeing these faces,” she mutters, “I recognize them but…I don’t…I can’t…who are they? I don’t know who they are?!”

“Well…what do they look like?” Rey asks carefully. Rose shakes her head helplessly, squeezing her eyes closed and pinching the bridge of her nose with the strain.

“He…he has dark skin…and big, brown eyes and he’s smiling…he’s always smiling and it’s kind and nice…and I _can’t remember…_ ”

_Finn_

She’s talking about Finn. The man she had claimed to know nothing about. Rey sucks in a sharp inhale. What was it Cassian had told her? Doctor Hux makes it as if things never happened. He made things go away, but it wasn’t foolproof. People remember feelings and Rey feels like she’s watching a person implode.

“Rose…I think we need to get your monitor…do you know where Snap is?”

Trying to move as subtly as she can, Rey takes a step towards the door. There’s an emergency button fitted to every room. Rose is hardly at death's door but drawing obsessively and babbling about seeing faces feels like a good enough reason to press the silent alarm. It would alert every emergency staff member on the floor.

“Who do you think they are?!” Rose asks desperately, “Have you seen them? It’s not just him…there’s a girl…she looks like me…and…they’re asking me for help and I don’t know what to do…”

Within seconds of pushing the button, Rey can hear footsteps thundering down the hall. Snap, Ben, and Phasma, among others appear at Rose’s door.

“What is going on in here?” Phasma demands, “Miss Jackson? Why are you in Miss Tico’s room?”

“She…she wasn’t at breakfast and I wanted to check she was alright,” Rey grinds out, “This is how I found her!” Phasma raises an eyebrow at her.

“Well…how fortunate that you were here,” she snips, “Ben, take care of your charge please…we have it from here,”

So focused on Rose who had returned to her rough drawing, Rey hadn’t noticed that Ben is standing directly behind her. She only breaks her line of sight to the girl on the bed when she feels the warmth of his hand on her arm.

“Come on,” he commands gently, “Let’s go. They’ll take care of her,”

They walk away from the room in silence, Ben’s hand on her lower back firmly encouraging her away from the situation behind them. The distressed scream the reaches Rey’s ears chill her blood and she turns trying to rush back towards the room, only to find herself trapped in Ben’s arms.

“Let me go, they’re hurting her!”

“They’re not!” Ben insists, “They’re going to help her, okay?” Ben wonders if he’s trying to convince Rey or himself as he holds her tightly, feeling her struggle helplessly against his grip. He leans closer to her ear.

“8 days sweetheart. You have 8 days, everything is going to be fine. Rose is going to be fine,” he whispers, risking the chaste kiss he presses to her temple.

 Slowly she settles, wishing that he didn’t have to let her go.

00000

“How did you enjoy your day out yesterday Rey?” Cassian asks.

She’s settled on the sofa in his office, the cup of tea he’s offered her in her hand. He’s smiling at her in a knowing way and she blushes.

“You know, I’m sure you’re supposed to report whatever it is you think you know…” she smirks. Cassian only chuckles.

“I’m quite sure I don’t know what you mean,” he shrugs, “Never the less, how did it feel being outside of here? Were you overwhelmed at all?” Rey shakes her head, blowing on her tea to cool the boiling liquid.

“No,” she answers honestly, “No, I really didn’t. It was nice, it felt…normal, I guess,”

“Good. That’s very positive,” he answers, scribbling in his notes, “What did you do?”

“Ben took me to Chester. We walked around, went for lunch at this diner…this mad little old woman owns it, Maz. Ben said he’s known her since he was a kid. We talked about things…what we’re going to do…”

“You talked about the future?” She nods with a happy smile.

“Yeah. I want to go back to school, finish my degree. He wants to study…possibly in Boston…” Cassian nods

“So he’d be moving closer to you? Have you two discussed your future as a couple?” the blush that rises on Rey’s face and the heat crawling up her neck tells Cassian his answer. There’s still the faintest of teeth marks against her collarbone and she’s glad her ugly green top covers the majority.

“I see, and how do you feel about that? Anxious?”

Rey pauses, taking a sip of her drink and thinking of her answer. The idea of being with someone like that used to make her anxious. Love was something that came with conditions, in her experience. It caused pain, it would build you up only to tear you down again.

“Not this time,” she smiles, “I think…I think he’s good for me…he told me that he loves me,”

Cassian’s eyebrows raise so high Rey assumes they won’t stop until they hit his hair and she almost wants to laugh at his shocked expression, but a smile settles on his face.

“And do you love him?” She nods enthusiastically.

“Very much,” she bites her lip, putting her cup down on the table, “Cassian…I know I have just over a week left. Do you think I’ll be allowed to go home when my 30 days are up…I know you’ve still to evaluate me?”

“Rey, in all honesty…if it were up to me you’d be going home tomorrow,” he replied honestly, a bright grin appearing on her face, “Your progress has been wonderful, and you’ve been open to really tackle your demons here. I’m not saying that you’re done. When you leave, you’ll be given a referral to a therapist that you can see closer to your home, but in my professional opinion…this place is only going to hold you back,”

He put his notepad on the table, his sincere smile warming her heart.

“It’s time to start living again my dear,”

00000

“What happened to Rose?” Rey asks as Ben walks her back towards her room.

She hasn’t seen her friend since that morning and despite being told that she’s going to get help, knowing that help was coming in the form of Doctor Hux does nothing to ease Rey’s anxiety.

“She’s back in her room now, at least that’s what Snap told me,” Ben answers with a sigh, “Doctor Hux took care of things…apparently,”

“What does that even mean? Took care of things how? Pumped her full of drugs? Full frontal lobotomy?” Rey growls, “He can’t just make people _forget_ things…that’s not how it works!”

They enter her room, Ben closing the door behind him quietly.

“I know baby, I know,” he soothes, “I don’t agree with it either. You’re a good friend, all you can do is just keep being a good friend,”

Throwing herself on the bed, Rey huffs loudly in frustration. She feels helpless and it’s not a feeling she’s ever enjoyed.

“What do I do when I leave? And she’s alone?” Ben comes to sit next to her on the bed.

“I’ll be here, I can watch her for you,” he says, brushing her hair from her neck. Rey smiles sweetly at him.

“Really? You’d do that?” he nods.

“I think it’s been firmly established that I’d do anything for you,” he says softly.

His kiss is gentle and soothing. She can taste the coffee on his tongue and it makes her smile against his lips, her worries dissolving under his touch.

“You should get some sleep sweetheart. I’m on call tonight, I’ll be just down the hall,” he says, “If I stay much longer, I’m going to end up doing something that get’s us both in trouble!”

Feeling like a lost puppy, she follows him to the door. It’s not enough. She needs just one more fix to see her through the night and as he steps out into the hall, Rey grabs his arm, pulling him back to her for one more passionate embrace.

“Sleep tight baby girl,” he whispers, giving her one more sweet, chaste kiss.

Neither notices the sharp, blue gaze from the dark end of the corridor watching their every move with interest.

00000

Rey wakes with a jump.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, she can see it’s still early. Only 5am. Most of Maple Lodge, save for the night staff and the on-call monitors would still be asleep.

It was amazing to her that she fell asleep at all. While Ben had done his best to quell her fears, something in her gut continued to churn. It gripped at her chest like a vice, squeezing and forcing her to feel every beat of her heart against its walls.

She hasn’t seen Rose since that morning. Nobody, not even Ben, could really tell her where they had taken her. What had Hux done to her? Had he helped her? Was she even still in the Lodge?

Sighing heavily, Rey swings her legs from the side of the bed and grabs for her sneakers, not even bothering to change from her pajama shorts and a vest top. She wasn’t going to be long. Just a quick trip a few doors down to soothe her anxious mind.

The corridor is dark, cool and eerily quiet as she steps out, silently closing her door to avoid making any noise. The on-call room is only a few doors away and she doesn’t feel like answering any questions or making up an excuse.

Tentatively, she reaches for the handle of Rose’s door. Just like before, it gives easily in her grip. If Rose is inside as they claimed, she doesn’t want to give the poor girl a heart attack. Just pop your head around the door and check she’s in bed, she tells herself.

Rose is not in bed.

Rey throws the door open, the dull yellow light of the tipped bedside lamp illuminating the room, her throat closing as she gasps for air in panic. Rose is nowhere to be found but her room is unrecognizable. The walls are covered in writing and drawings from floor to ceiling that Rey can barely make out. Furniture litters the ground, Rose’s belongings are strewn everywhere mingled with the same sheets of paper from before. If there was ever a physical manifestation of madness, Rey feels she may have found it.

Bile burns her throat reading the largest of the words.

_I remember…_

Her body shakes in fear, for her friend, for herself. On the desk in front of her, something is smudged and smeared. It’s red and impossibly bright, leading a trail along the floor and her eyes follow it out to the hall.

“Rose?”

She can barely recognize her own voice, it sounds muffled, whispered as she follows the droplets towards the washroom. Fingers shaking, she reaches for the blood smeared handle.

She’ll be fine. Everyone told her that Rose would be fine, and she believed them because why wouldn’t she? They all know what they’re talking about. It’s nothing. This is nothing.

The washroom is just as dark as the corridor, but the moonlight streaming from the small windows near the ceiling illuminate enough and the scream that tears from Rey’s throat is so raw, so penetrating and devastated that it pierces her own ears and burns her throat.

Rose is there.

Her feet hang, toes inches from the floor of the shower as blood drips from her arms. Her skin is pale, her eyes stare ahead at nothing, and she is peaceful. She’ll never know the chaos that her death causes.

Rey can’t tear her eyes from the sight, frozen in shock. Is she crying? Is she still screaming? She doesn’t even realize that her cries have alerted the monitors on-call or the other guests from their rooms.

“What the…Jesus fucking Christ! Someone get Phasma and Hux down here now!”

Someone arrives at the door just in time as Rey’s trembling knees finally give way. She’s stumbling against the wall, sliding down the tiles, her stomach lurching violently. There’s no air going into her lungs, her head is spinning. It’s like she’s being torn to the bone, her vision tunneling and all she can see is Rose in front of her, cold in the moonlight.

It’s a vision. It’s a nightmare that she can’t wake up from. It’s the movie that she can’t pause.

“Rey? Rey, look at me, sweetheart…”

Ben. Ben is in front of her. He’s holding her face in both his hands, trying his best to keep her eyes on his. Her vision is blurred, unfocused and she can barely find the will to speak.

“Rose…she…she…”

“Shh, don’t say it…” he says, “Just keep your eyes on me, okay?”

He’s talking to her slowly as if she’s a child that needs instruction or a skittish animal ready to bolt. Perhaps she is. She feels like she’s been rendered useless, even her basic instincts are at a loss. She feels his arm loop around her body, his other hand still on her face firmly ensuring she doesn’t look at the sight in front of them.

“Monitors get everyone back in their rooms now!” Phasma barks loudly. The corridor is full of confused, upset people, those closest to the washroom having seen the incident first hand. The story is spreading like a wildfire nobody can contain, the chatter growing.

Rey is pulled from the room, Ben holding her full weight with ease as she struggles to breathe, watching as the other monitors usher everyone back into their rooms.

“What in the bloody hell is going on? Why am I being called the second I arrive here?”

That voice. Rey looks up from the floor, her feet now firmly planted. Hux is striding towards the madness with an irritated sneer on his face.

She can hear the blood rushing in her veins, her own breathing rough and harsh in her ears and he’s there in front of her, acting like all of this is simply an inconvenience to his morning routine.

That the death of her friend is nothing more than tiresome.

“You…” she growls, “You did this…”

“I beg your pardon?!” he sneers, “Monitors, get this guest back to her room…”

“THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT!”

She’s screaming at him, pulling herself from Ben’s grip and running towards him. She wants to tear his skin off, make him suffer just as Rose had suffered because if it wasn’t for Hux, Rose wouldn’t have forgotten in the first place.

And her memories wouldn’t have driven her past the point of no return.

They’re on her before she can reach him. Ben has his arms around her once more, holding her as she screams like a demon, writhing and kicking for all she’s worth. Her throat is raw and he’s whispering in her ear, but nothing works. Rose is gone and if she’s going down, Rey is going to take every fucker responsible with her.

She’s going to burn Maple Lodge to the ground.

“Get this patient sedated!”

“NO! Just let me take her back to her room…I’ll calm her down!” Ben shouts. Phasma ignores his plea, giving the nod to the nurse next to her.

Ben grits his teeth, holding her as close as he can, trying to let nobody else touch her and hoping to God she’ll tire out.

“Don’t struggle, baby, please…I’m here, I’m sorry…I’m so fucking sorry…”

His whispers are pained. The last thing Rey feels is the needling pricking her arm and Ben’s hand stroking her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are of course welcome, however, I found this chapter quite difficult to write so anything deemed 'fact-checking', obnoxious or just straight up rude will be deleted or replied to with a sarcastic GIF. 
> 
> I didn't go with this option lightly. This turning point is important for Rey's mental health development in later chapters.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments on the last chapter. I'm glad I've not driven anyone away from this story! We're still on the pain train for now - all aboard! Just remember, I'm all about the happy ever after.
> 
> You're going to suffer, but you're going to be happy about it?!
> 
> There's an intense confrontation near the end of this chapter. Fair warning.

[](https://imgur.com/U4qicZC)

Ben is still holding her close to him when she stills in his arms, her eyes fluttering closed.

He’s fighting to control his temper, his jaw clenched so tightly his teeth hurt. It was something she had been so afraid of, losing control like that. He remembered the look on her face weeks ago, watching another girl being dragged away and he had promised it would never happen, not to her.

So much for keeping his promises.

“Get her up and in a chair,” Phasma snaps, “Take her to high dependency,”

Ben stands, cradling Rey in his arms protectively, growling at his co-worker who moved to take her.

“If she has to go, I’ll take her there myself,” he snarls, “What the fuck Gwen…sedation?!”

“She was a danger to those around her. You know the rules Solo!” she says firmly, her mouth twisted in a cruel smile.

“I could have calmed her down!” Phasma snorts, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, I’ll bet you would have…you listen to me, I know all about your little fling. I’ve _seen_ you two with my own eyes and I’m telling you, if you want to keep your job, you’re going to do _exactly_ as I tell you,” she hisses.

Ben’s back straightens, his face darkening as he glowers at the woman.

“Do you really think I give a fuck about this place anymore? I’ve ignored things here for way too long…I’m done, report me to Snoke I don’t care!” he growls but Phasma only laughs.

“And how do you think your little girlfriend here is going to manage when you’re gone? When she wakes up and realizes that you’ve _left her_ …”

“I would never…”

“But she won’t know that!” Phasma smiles smugly, “So, be a good boy and take our patient here to high dependency before she wakes up,”

He wants to scream at her, tell the odious bitch to go fuck herself so he can walk straight out the front door but the unconscious girl in his arms is more important and he bites the inside of his cheek hard, swallowing his pride. His lip curls, looking Phasma up and down.

“Who the fuck hurt you Gwen?” he sneers.

Stabilising her in his arms, her head falls against his chest and if he tries hard enough, he can almost convince himself she’s only sleeping.

00000

She can’t move.

Rey’s head is pounding. Her throat is raw, and her mouth is dry. Experimentally she tries to move her hands only to find that they stop suddenly, the sound of metal clinking against the side of the bed she lies on and she realizes that the same wool lined restraints around her wrists are also around her ankles.

She should fight. She should scream until her lungs give out and demand they let her go but she has no energy left and it's just the excuse they need to keep her there. The room she is in is sterile and white, the acrid smell of sanitizer nipping at her nose.

“Hello?” her voice is quiet, rough and she wonders if anyone has actually heard her. The room is basically empty save for the bed and a small table. Narrowing her eyes, Rey notices there’s a camera in the corner.

The door opens and she’s relieved to see a familiar face walk through. Cassian is looking down at her with a small, sad smile on his lips, flanked by a nurse.

“How are you feeling?” He asks.

She almost laughs at the ridiculous question, but her throat is too dry. How is she feeling? She’s lying in a room she doesn’t recognize with a pounding headache, Ben is nowhere to be seen and…

_Rose_

“Where am I?”

“You’re in the high dependency wing,” Cassian answers, moving to allow the nurse access to her fluid IV, “What can you remember?”

Writing on walls. Blood. Pale skin and cold, lifeless eyes. That’s what she can remember and her stomach lurches.

“I think I’m gonna be sick…”

The quick release catches on her wrists are pulled, a bowl is shoved under her nose, her whole-body heaving with the effort until she’s gasping for breath. The nurse takes the bowl from her, replacing it with a glass of water. The cold liquid soothes her burning throat.

“Can you remember what happened?” Cassian asks gently. Rey nods shakily, her eyes fixed to a point on the tile floor.

“I…I went to check on Rose and…she…she…”

Gasping again, her throat tightens, a pained sob escaping as her hand flies over her mouth. Tears fill her tired eyes, streaming down her face as the gravity of what she saw sinks in.

Rose is dead.

Rose. The first girl who spoke to her in this hellish, nightmare of a place, who gave her a routine. The first-person Rey had ever really considered a true friend was dead at her own hands.

“And do you remember what happened after that?”

_Hux_

“I lost control,” she says quietly, sniffing back her tears, “I saw…Doctor Hux and I lost it…I don’t remember anything after that,”

“That’s right,” Cassian sighs, “It’s standard for patients that may be a danger to themselves or others to be sedated. How are you feeling now?”

Rey snorts, lying back against the pillow.

“How am I supposed to feel Doctor Andor, you tell me…” she sighs, “My friend just killed herself because she couldn’t handle her own memories…because a doctor in this place used her head as a fucking playground…and I’m _still here_. So, tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to feel?”

Cassian remains professional, his face unreadable until she finishes speaking.

“Doctor Hux has decided he won’t be reporting this incident to the director…”

“Well isn’t that kind of him,” Rey growls, “You all knew he was using…what was it you called them…questionable methods? How the fuck could you all let it go so far?!”

He doesn’t have an answer for her and Rey stares at the ceiling. What else can he say to her? Nothing will bring Rose back.

“What happens to me now?” she asks quietly, “Am I stuck here? Do I have to start all over again?” Cassian shakes his head.

“Not quite,” he says, “You’ll be in here for observation. We’ll put you on some extra medication if you need it and well have some extra sessions…”

“So you’re just going to observe me like I’m some fucking zoo animal?!” Rey snarls.

“Rey…even with your progress and stability, what you just witnessed can impact even the healthiest of people. You’ve been through something traumatic…We need to ensure you’re going to be equipped to deal with your grief,”

She sighs heavily, rubbing her red raw eyes.

“Do I still have a monitor? Do I get to see Ben?” An apologetic look falls over Cassian’s features, her stomach dropping when he shakes his head.

“This part of the facility works a little differently I’m afraid,” he explains, “You are to stay in only this ward where you will be taken care of by specialized members of staff. Ben will remain where he is,”

“But he’ll come and see me, right?” she asks quietly, her voice as timid and unsure as a lost child.

“Perhaps,” Cassian replies vaguely, “For now, I want you to concentrate on getting some rest if you can. A nurse will be with you shortly with something to help you sleep,” Rey sighs heavily. It’s all she can do.

“Can I at least get some…I dunno, magazines or something? A book for later if I’ve to stay in this room?” Cassian nods.

“I’ll see what I can do,”

He leaves her alone with only her thoughts and the omnipresent camera for company. Ben will come and see me, she thinks, of course, he will, because Ben made a promise that he would always be there. He told her that he doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean and one of those things he told her was that she wasn’t alone, that he wasn’t going to leave her.

He told her he loved her.

Releasing the catches around her ankles, she hugs her knees to her chest.

And she waits.

00000

They’ve cleared her room already.

Ben watched on as they packed up her things, two orderlies from high dependency cataloging her things and carrying it away with them. The only thing he’d been able to save was the sweater he had given her. Not that she would get to see any of it. Unlike the regular rooms where she always had access to her belongings, high dependency was the bare minimum. It was for people who were unstable, genuinely a threat to themselves or others.

It wasn’t for someone like Rey.

He worried that being there was going to do her more harm than good, and he had screamed blue murder at Phasma when she had told him that Rey would be there for the remainder of her stay.

“Well, if she’s really as _fine_ as you claim then she’ll finish the time she has left, and her doctor will sign her out,” Phasma shrugs flippantly, “But she did try to attack a doctor…we have it on CCTV…”

“She was upset. She didn’t know what she was doing! For fuck sake, Gwen she had just found her friend hanging…where the fuck is your humanity?”

She regards him thoughtfully, a flicker of sadness moving across her face.

“Sometimes, there isn’t any room for it here,” she says simply, “Now…Miss Jackson’s room has been cleared. Your new charge is arriving this afternoon,” Ben frowns.

“We’re still accepting patients?! A girl just killed herself…we can’t be taking on new patients right now! Not until the ones we have are treated and given the extra support…” Phasma waves her hand in dismissal.

“Director Snoke has been quite clear,” she snaps, “It’s business as usual. The notes for your new patient are in the office, I suggest you read them,”

“I will,” he says plainly, “After I’ve seen Rey,” Phasma looks up from her chart, an amused smile on her face.

“You think you’re going to get to see her? That’s…interesting,”

“What are you talking about?” The smile remains on her face and Ben can feel his blood chill.

“Ben, It’s high dependency. You know as well as I do that only authorized members of staff are allowed in that wing…and you are _not_ authorized,” Ben scowls, his teeth bared and his knuckles white by his side.

“I’ll get in…”

“Oh really? Through the single locked barred door? You know, the one with people watching it all day. Face it, Ben, you’re not going to see her…so maybe you should just _do your job_ ,”

“Fuck this and fuck you,” he snarls, his lip curled.

Slamming the door to her office behind him, Ben stalks his way through the halls. He has a few hours until this new charge of his arrives and he’ll be damned if he’s going to spend it sulking. Rey is in the building and she needs him.

He had wanted to stay with her, hold her hand until she woke to make sure his was the first face she saw but they wouldn’t allow it. It had broken his heart watching them secure her limbs. Without caring who had seen, he had stroked her hair and whispered to her that he would be back. He wasn’t going to break that promise.

Security had escorted him from the wing of the building.

“I need to see Rey Jackson,” Ben demands, standing at the locked gate, his eyes flicking to the keypad. The orderly dressed in dark purple shakes his head.

“You know I can’t let you in, Ben,” he says, “There are no visitors to this part of the building without a Doctors permission…”

“I’m not a visitor, I’m staff!” Ben insists, “Come on man!”

“You’re not staff for this area and you know it! If I let you in, and they’ll know it was me, Snoke’ll have me out on my ass. I can’t afford to lose this job!” Ben grits his teeth in frustration, trying to peer through the gate and into the ward.

“It’s important, I have to see her!” he hisses, “Rey? REY?!”

“Stop shouting!” the orderly snaps, “You’re going to rile up the whole damn place!”

Ben doesn’t stop, gripping the bars of the gate he’s calling her name like a man possessed, desperate for even a glimpse of her face, to see with his own eyes that she’s safe.

“Get the fuck back from those bars Solo! I’m calling security!”

He continues to shout, screaming her name until his throat is raw, not caring that the ward ahead is filled with confused onlookers. Arms wrapping around his own, he’s hauled backward but he doesn’t stop yelling until he’s too far away for her to hear him.

00000

She waited the whole day.

Hardly moving a muscle, Rey had sat on the bed of her new room watching the hours tick by. The clock on the sparse walls a cruel reminder of how long she had been there.

“Excuse me, has anyone come to see me at all?” she asks a nurse who appears in her room. She’s carrying the books and some magazines that Rey requested, and she shakes her head.

“No dear. This area is off limits to visitors,”

“Oh…it’s just…I’m waiting on someone,” she replies quietly. The nurse nods sadly, leaving her alone once more.

She waits.

_Rey? REY!?_

Her eyes widen and she’s sure she can hear him. It’s faint but he’s there. He sounds upset, panicked and she wants to run to him and tell him that she’s here, that she’s alright and she’s so, _so_ , relieved to see him but her door is locked. She grabs for the call button, smashing it repeatedly until the same nurse appears.

“Is everything alright?!”

“Yes…is there someone out there for me? I can hear someone shouting!” Rey says. She sounds excited, her eyes are bright and there’s finally a smile on her face. The nurse almost hates to do it but it’s her job.

“No honey, I’m afraid there isn’t,” The smile on her face faulters.

“But…I could have sworn I heard him calling my name…I heard him shouting Rey…” The nurse shakes her head firmly.

“I’m sorry dear,” she says gently, “You must be exhausted. I think it’s best you take some of the pills Doctor Andor prescribed and get some rest,”

She isn’t smiling anymore and Rey wonders if maybe she is, in fact, losing her mind.

The light through her sealed barred windows morphed from a bright, clear yellow, through shades of orange until eventually, the black of night had taken over.

Still, she waited.

Ignoring the Valium she had been prescribed, Rey waits. Her room is dark and cold. The screams and moans that she was used to hearing in her old room are nothing in comparison to the bone-chilling sounds of high dependency. People who are truly disturbed, helpless and afraid.

Maybe he would come at night. Like he used. He’d turn up with food in his hands, or he’d take her to play the piano again. She’d wear his sweater, smell his aftershave and everything would be just the way it was.

Sleep seems impossible. When she closes her eyes, she can see Rose’s face, streaming with tears and begging for her to help and she knows why Cassian was so insistent on the drugs, at least for now.

Her breath catches as a silhouette appears at the glass on her door and she sits up quickly, her heart racing because her wait is finally over and he’s here. He’s kept his promise. Jumping from the bed, she rushes to the door, pulling at the handle.

But it isn’t him.

“Fi…Finn?”

The dark-skinned man is standing in front of her with haunted eyes and she can’t move, she’s frozen to the spot. How did he even get here?

“Tell me…tell me what you saw…” he says. His voice shakes and she can’t tell if he’s angry, devastated or both. His eyes are red and still puffy from obvious tears, but his jaw is clenched. Every fiber of his being radiates danger and Rey backs away instinctively.

“I…I don’t…”

“You know what I’m talking about…” he says, “Tell me what you saw, I have to know!”

Rey wraps her arms around herself, feeling the gooseflesh rise on her skin.

“Please…please don’t make me,” she cries, her eyes stinging, “I…it’s too soon, I can’t…”

Desperately, Finn rushes towards her, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her violently. She screams in fright, sobbing loudly, his fingers digging into her arms.

“How did she do it huh? Did she tell you why? Was there a note…tell me, please!”

She can only just make out that he’s crying too, his pleas desperate, begging to be told anything that could put his soul at rest. He’s backed her up against the wall of the room and she sinks to the floor, her face in her hands as she cries, pulling herself tightly into a ball.

It’s dark and cold and everything is loud and violent. Where is Ben? Why hasn’t he come for her?

Finn releases her shoulders stumbling backward until he hits the opposite wall sobbing.

“I loved her…I loved her so much…and this place…they took her from me…”

Her whole body shakes as she slowly moves her hands to look at him. He’s broken, slumped across from her, his heart breaking as he screams in sorrow.

This. This is what love brings, she thinks. It’s the greatest power in the world and it’s rendered a man to nothing more than a quivering, destroyed wreck. Barely recognizable as a person.

If she’s not careful, it will do the same to her.

“Jesus! How the fuck did he get in here?! Get a nurse now!”

Two orderlies on their rounds appear at her door, staring bewildered at the sobbing man on the floor and her. They grab hold of his arms and haul him to his feet, pulling him from the room. Rey flinches when a nurse reaches for her.

“It’s okay…we’re just going to get you in bed, alright?” Rey nods shakily. She allows herself to be tucked in like a child.

“I’m still waiting for Ben…” she says quietly, “Do you think he’ll make it tomorrow?”

The nurse gives her a sad smile, putting two pills into a cup for her.

“You should take these and get some sleep,” she says, “You’ll feel better in the morning,”

Rey takes the cup from the nurse’s hand, swallows the pills and everything is quiet.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're still on the pain train and thank you to those who are sticking with me and commenting! I really appreciate it and it really encourages me to keep on this different kind of track (for this story at least!) Don't forget, if you want to read something of mine that's fluffier and lighthearted, I'm going to be uploading one-shots onto the end of 'Firewater' titled 'The Logans' - The fluff will heal you...
> 
> But do keep in mind, I have a HEA policy. I'll just make it hurt a little first.
> 
> Gird your loins. Grab your tissues. Take a deep breath.
> 
> *Trigger warning for chapter mood board: Blood.* (Just in case)

[](https://imgur.com/MCxFCBY)

Rey has read all the magazines. She’s read the books she’s been given.

It’s been days and she’s still waiting.

Every day she can hear someone shouting her name and the nurse still tells her that it’s nothing, that it’s just someone from another room. She’s offered a Valium, but she doesn’t take it. Sure, it would make things easier, it would help dull the sharp pain that she’s feeling constantly but she reasons that feeling _something_ is better than nothing at all.

For her sessions, Cassian comes to her. Like an outcast, she’s no longer allowed in the main part of the building where his office is. He brings her a coffee. There’s no syrup and it isn’t nearly sweet enough.

“It’s been a few days…I know it’s hard, but I really think it will do you good to face your anxieties about what you saw,” Cassian says carefully.

Rey is sitting on her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest tightly and she’s chewing absently on a piece of her hair, her eyes unfocused on the floor. She knows she needs to talk about it, especially after the incident nights ago.

“What happened to Finn?” She asks quietly. Cassian only smiles, trying to give what comfort he can.

“He’s being taken care of, you don’t need to worry,” he says, “The Lodge is seeing to his care,”

_Not comforting_

“Now Rey, obviously I know that you were the first one who found Rose,” Rey winces.

“Too late…I found her too late…I should have said something to her…done something…”

“What would you want to say to her?”

Rey pauses, dropping the hair in her hand. In the grand scheme of things, she barely knew Rose. They didn’t know about each other past the insignificant, trivial details that they would discuss over breakfast and dinner. That didn’t matter. Knowing someone is something else. It didn’t matter that Rey didn’t know the names of Rose’s late family, or what movies she liked, or her favorite color.

“I’d tell her…that I didn’t know what she went through, that I wasn’t her…but I know how it feels,” she sniffs, wiping her face, “I know how it feels to think that you’re insignificant. I know what the pain is like when it get’s so much that you just want to curl up and die…and I’d tell her that she isn’t alone…”

Because she does know. Rey knows all too well how the darkness can creep into your vision. It warps and twists everything around it until you can’t recognize the beauty in every day. Smiling becomes effort, laughter takes more energy than you’re willing to give and lying down, hiding away just seems so much easier. The walls that you build around yourself become a haven.

“I’d tell her that she was loved,”

00000

Cassian gave her a tennis ball.

It made her snort with incredulous laughter when he did. He explained it was the only thing he really _could_ give her as a form of entertainment while she was confined to her room. She had placed it on the table, telling herself that she’ll make do with the books.

But here she is.

She’s sitting on the edge of her bed and like a pitiful dog in a pound, she’s playing with her damn ball, bouncing it from the wall to the floor and back to her hand, the repeated beats creating a rhythm like a metronome.

_I’d tell her she was loved_

Love is scary. It’s like a drug that fills you with the greatest high imaginable. It makes you feel like you can take on the world, that you can do anything because the people that love you will stand by your side and hold your hand through thick and thin.

It’s warm and it’s comforting. It’s the safety of home when the world feels too big. It’s the hug from your parents when you’ve skinned your knee. It’s the butterflies in your stomach when a lover says your name and caresses your skin.

Love opens you up, leaves you defenseless and just when you close your eyes, it burns you to ashes.

Rose was loved. She was loved by Finn who was now God knows where driven mad by grief. By Rey, now isolated and alone. In turn, Rose was pushed to the edge by a love that she had blissfully forgotten and cruelly recalled.

The ball continues to bounce a steady one, two beats against the wall and floor, Rey’s eyes unfocused, her actions mechanical.

What had love done for her? Show her how her life could be. It had dangled a beautiful possibility in front of her in the form of dark brown eyes and a soft touch. He had held her hand and promised her that she wasn’t alone but where is he now?

She is alone.

And Rey now knows what love is.

His lips are the gun. His smile is the trigger. His kiss is a bullet.

Ben Solo is a killer.

00000

It’s been days. Ben is going out of his mind.

Every morning he tries to get through. He reasons, begs, shouts and threatens to no avail. Every attempt is met with the same response and an escort from the wing.

He heard what happened with Finn. How he somehow managed to break his way into the ward and Ben wishes he could find the man to ask him how the fuck he did it, but he’s now in the same place and just as unreachable. The whispers reached him. That Finn found her, cornered her until she was terrified and sobbing on the floor. It makes him sick to his stomach that he wasn’t there to protect her. Another of his promises he’s been forced to break.

He tries to follow the daily routine of his job. He arrives at the door of his new charge at 10am, questions if she’s taken her medication, escorts her to her sessions. It’s not the same. He doesn’t buy her coffee, nor does he offer her a sweater when she’s cold. He barely engages in conversation past when she asks him a question and thankfully, she doesn’t ask often.

Phasma does her best to keep him busy outside of his monitoring duties. She gives him endless paperwork, thankless tasks designed to suck his time away. He’s sitting at the desk in the on-call office, filling in yet another ridiculous report when it happens.

He finally snaps.

The pen in his hand crunches under the strain of his clenching fist and he slams the useless piece of stationary down on the desk, standing up with so much force his chair falls to the floor.

There’s one person who can help him. He always said he would never ask favors, he would never abuse the position, but this isn’t about him anymore and this is more than just a leg up at work. When he reaches the door of the office, he hammers with his fist impatiently, throwing the door open when a voice tells him to enter.

“Ben, what can I do for you?” Luke says, looking up from his desk in surprise.

“Don’t give me that,” Ben says flatly, “Don’t act like you don’t know what’s going on…”

Luke sighs heavily, closing the file he was reading through.

“I do…and honestly, I’m surprised it took you this long to make it to my door,”

“Well, honestly, I didn’t think you’d be inclined to help me!” he says, “I know how you feel about favors,” Luke frowns.

“Hey now, have I reported you? No, I haven’t!” He replies, standing from his chair to pace the room, “I kept your little blossoming relationship a secret. I even went to the trouble of transferring Rey to another doctor to avoid a conflict of interest…so don’t say I don’t do favors!”

“Alright, I’m sorry,” Ben sighs, “Look, you heard what happened…to Rose Tico?” Luke nods, stroking his beard thoughtfully.

“I did. Hell of a thing…I always knew whatever Hux was doing was going to have consequences eventually, but nothing like this has ever happened…nobody has had reason to really question his methods when they’ve been getting such staggering results,”

“Well because of that Rey is stuck in high dependency and they won’t let me see her!” Ben growls, “I’ve tried…I’ve fucking tried but they won’t let me in. I just need to know she’s alright, I promised her that I’d come back, that I wouldn’t leave her alone,”

“Hmm and for someone like Rey, that’s a pretty big statement,” Luke says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head, “I can guess what you need from me…”

“I need you to let me in. They only let people in, even outside staff, with the permission of a doctor,”

“I’m not Rey’s doctor anymore, Ben,” Luke warns, “I know you don’t like how things are done around here,”

“And you do?!” Ben shouts, “How can you stand there and tell me that this is right?! I love that girl and made her a fucking promise! You can’t tell me that keeping us separated is going to do any good. They’re doing it to be cruel and you know it!”

Luke stands silently, his eyes cast to the floor. When he first began practicing at Maple Lodge so many years ago, it had been a place of hope. A beautiful, peaceful facility that offered one of a kind care to its patients. People were treated as individuals, not numbers.

Then Snoke took over.

Snoke was from an older generation of therapists. He still believed the old ways were best and that people needed the order to settle their minds. He introduced the 6am wake-up calls, the mandatory uniforms. He treated people like sheep and his staff like dogs.

“You know I don’t!” Luke hisses, “and after this thing with…this place can’t go on like this. More people are going to get hurt,”

“So what do you plan to do about it?” 

“This is a turning point. There’s been nothing concrete until now that points to malpractice…I’m going to speak to the people here I can trust, see if we can gather enough evidence to report Hux to the APA and the medical board. If that news breaks, this place won’t stand a chance. Snoke will be ruined,”

Ben nods in understanding.

“Great. That’s great,” Ben says impatiently, “and while I support this completely, can you _please_ help me with my problem?!” Luke grumbles under his breath.

“Yes, alright, I’ll help you,” Luke says, “I’m sure Cassian has been keeping a close eye on her, but he’s bound as tightly as I am. If we raise suspicion, we’ll lose our chance at shipping Hux to the board…”

“Why can’t you report him now?” Ben asks. Luke grunts in annoyance.

“Snoke is slippery. If the board are given an anonymous tip with no evidence they’ll investigate and that just gives them a chance to cover their tracks. We need to give them enough that they’ll give them no way out,”

It’s true and Ben hates it. He wants nothing more than to burst into that prison of a ward, grab Rey and light a match to the whole place. They’d stand together and watch it burn. He’d never let anything hurt her ever again.

But his uncle makes sense and if he wants to do right by her and avenge Rose Tico’s memory, he can’t be his bull-headed self.

“I’ll speak to Cassian. As her doctor, he’ll be able to give you a pass into the wing,” Luke says, “Just…be careful alright? You don’t know how she’s going to be…”

“I know,” Ben replies uncomfortably, “That’s what I’m worried about,”

00000

Ben continues his duties with difficulty. He walks his charge around, anxiously keeping a close eye on the time. The authorization letter from Cassian sits in his pocket like a lead weight. Finally, he swaps shift and he’s free.

Grabbing his sweater, he strides confidently to the gate of high dependency, his face firm and resolute when they try to stop him, and he shoves the letter in the orderly’s hand. Said letter is passed between the two men at the gate, then to a nurse for further inspection.

He’s forced to stand there, bouncing on the balls of his feet, gritting his teeth in annoyance as the nurse calls Cassian on the internal phone, just to check that the letter is genuine, and Ben hasn’t resorted to forgery.

Finally, the gate opens and before he’s been read the riot act regarding the rules in the ward, he’s running towards her room.

He glances through the glass on the door, his heart aching at the sight. She’s sitting on the bed, holding her knees tightly, her eyes staring off into the distance.

When he finally pushes the door open, her head snaps to him, her eyes wide and afraid. He’s frozen. There were so many things he had wanted to say to her and now he’s finally with her again, the words won’t come.

“You’re not real,”

Her voice is small, quiet and shaking. She’s staring at him like he’s a stranger. His lip quivers.

“You can’t be real because you promised that I wasn’t alone…”

“Baby, I’m sorry…I tried…I really tried but they wouldn’t let me, they locked me out…” Ben tries to take a step towards her, his hand reaching out for her, but she recoils in fright.

“Don’t come closer!” she snaps, “Please…”

The way she speaks her request is softer. It’s a plea, a prayer and he’s helpless but to listen and he freezes dropping his hand.

“Rey…you have to believe me, I did everything I could,” he chokes. She’s blurring in front of him, his eyes growing wet and when he blinks he can feel the damp rolling down his cheek, “I’m so sorry that I let that happen to you…”

He’s helpless and its agony not being able to touch her. She’s so close to him physically but he’s never seen such distrust in her eyes and it’s tearing him to the bone. He can see the bruises on her upper arms, the fingerprints that brand her. A physical manifestation of his failure.

“I woke up…and you weren’t there,” she breathes, “I was bound to a bed in a strange room and I was so scared…and you weren’t there…I needed you,”

“I know, I tried,” he cries. It feels like the only thing he can say but it’s the truth. It’s the only truth he has. He tried. He screamed until his lungs burned, he cried, he scratched and fought for her, “Rey…I love you so much,”

Something sharpens in her gaze; her jaw clenches and he almost misses the wide-eyed fear she sported seconds before. Almost.

“Like Finn loves Rose?”

It’s not a question. It’s an accusation and his brows knit together in confusion. His mouth opens and closes uselessly, desperately scrambling to find an answer to give.

“I used to think I was missing something, that love was this magical thing that could fix everything…but I know what it does to people now,”

“What are you talking about?” he begs, “Rey…”

“She loved Finn. I could see it in her eyes when she used to talk about him, the things he did for her, like sneaking food into her room…does that sound familiar? She loved him…and it wasn’t enough. It made her defenseless and when she remembered...when she realized he wasn’t with her…it tore her to pieces,”

He shakes his head. He wants to tell her that there was so much more, that Rose had so many more demons that she was trying to tackle but she’s not thinking clearly. This place, this fucking place, is like a poison and he’s watching on helplessly as she drinks every drop.

“You’re going to destroy me,” she whispers.

“No!” he rushes forward to her, trying to hold her face in his hands as she struggles away from him, flinching at his touch, her hands gripping his wrists. He needs her to see his eyes, to know that he isn’t lying, that he means every word he’s saying to her.

“Please…please listen to me. I’m not going to let anything happen to you! You’re going to get out of here. You’ll go home and I’ll take care of you…”

“Stop it,”

“I’ll leave this place behind…I’ll move to Boston, we’ll be happy…I’ll make you smile every day,”

“Please…stop,” she’s sobbing, shaking her head and she’s _not listening_. He must make her listen.

“I’ll buy you a piano, a new one and you’ll play every day…we’ll go on dates, _real_ dates and I’ll hold you every night. You’ll never be alone again, I promise…”

“STOP IT!” she screams, pushing him away with all the strength she has left. The agony in her voice is piercing, penetrating him to his soul.  Abruptly, he releases her like he’s been scalded. He’s shaking, watching her grip her head, her fingers fisting in her hair as she sobs, folding in on herself like she’s preparing for a physical blow.

He’s shaking and he’s staring at his hands like they aren’t his. An uncontrolled sob leaves his throat and the door bursts open behind him, a nurse and a monitor rushing into the room. One look at the situation has the nurse rushing to Rey’s side, the monitor holding Ben firmly by the bicep.

“Rey…I’m sorry…please don’t do this to us…” he begs. It’s fruitless and it’s all he has left.

“Get this man out now!” the nurse hisses. The monitor pulls at his arm and Ben holds fast.

“Please…”

“I said _now_!”

Feeling the fabric of his sweater between his hands, Ben releases the garment, dropping it to the chair near his side. He’d brought it for her after all.

High dependency could be cold sometimes.

Rey gasps for breath, lifting her head, watching him be pulled from the room reluctantly.

This is better, a voice in her head tells her. Better they hurt now and heal than burn together. He’d move on, find someone else. The faceless woman he deserves will be pretty and smart. She won’t burden him. Maybe he’ll watch her play the piano too.

There’s another voice. It’s smaller, alone, frightened.

It’s screaming for him to come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who thinks Rey is being unreasonable...think about where she is and her state of mind. There we go.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are amazing, really, thank you for sticking through this pain fest. Hope is on the horizon!

[](https://imgur.com/hHCzsq0)

For the second time during her stay at Maple Lodge, Rey is sedated.

This time she welcomes it. She doesn’t fight the nurse as she presses the tip of the needle into her skin and her eyes close, the darkness and silence enveloping her like a blanket. This way her doubts are quiet and she’ll actually get some rest.

It’s artificial, but who cares at this point.

But when she wakes, the agony is still there. The doubt swirls in her mind like a vortex and she can still see his devastated face, the pain, and despair in his eyes when he was making her promises she didn’t deserve.

As she comes to, she realizes that the nurse hasn’t restrained her this time. She moves slowly as if she’s trapped underwater and she has to remind herself to breathe. Breathing is a good start.

Her room looks the same except for one thing. On the chair lies a black sweater, it’s darkness a stark contrast to the white of the room. Cautiously, on still weak legs, she slides from the bed to take it. It’s as soft as she remembers, the scent in the fibers renewed by his use. She holds the sweater to her nose, inhaling deeply.

It smells like coffee, aftershave, and fabric softener. The same fabric softener she could smell on his sheets as they lay together in bliss. It smells like Ben and even in her foggy state, she’s assaulted by a barrage of memories.

In her mind’s eye, she sees his smile, his just slightly less than perfect teeth, his dimples. She can hear his laugh, his voice. She feels the warmth of his skin, the way his lips had explored her body, his moans of pleasure when her lips wrapped around him. She sees every moment they spent together, and it hurts.

Because she pushed him away.

She pulls the sweater on, huge over her petite frame, feeling the softness of the cotton blend caress her skin and despite it all, she smiles. If this is what she has left of him, she’s going to keep it close. She’ll let his scent remind her of the man who made her smile.

There’s a knock at the door when she returns to her bed and Cassian enters.

“Good, you’re awake. How are you feeling?” Rey shrugs.

“I don’t know,” she replies honestly. Cassian takes a seat, his face passive.

“I’ve been informed about what happened yesterday. Would you like to talk about it?”

It’s not really a question. She bunches her hands in the sleeves of the sweater.

“What do you want to know?”

“It’s the first time you’ve seen Ben since you were moved here,” Cassian elaborates, “How did that make you feel?”

Elated. Overwhelmed. Terrified.

“I…I was upset,” she replies, “I’ve been so alone, and he promised that I wouldn’t be…and seeing him, it was…scary,”

“Why was it scary, Rey?” A lump forms in her throat, thick and cloying. 

“Because…I love him…”

“And why does that scare you?” he asks. Rey blinks at him as if he’s grown 2 more heads, as if he’s asking a question with the most obvious answer in the world.

“Love hurts people,” she says, “It…it’s what took Rose away, it’s the reason Finn is so broken…”

“Do you really believe that?” She nods cautiously, unsure of her conviction, “You know, for years mental health professionals taught people that they could be healthy without social support…and it is true to an extent. Plenty of people are content, but this saying ‘unless you love yourself, no one else will love you’…it’s not true. The truth is, I believe that you cannot love yourself fully unless you have been loved and are loved, the capacity for love cannot be built in isolation,”

“What does that even mean?” Cassian smiles patiently at her, leaning forward on his knee,

“Think about how you were before you came here. Closed off from others, so reluctant to let people in…and then you met Ben. Instead of shutting yourself away when there was confrontation you discussed things…you made real connections with people…”

“and now I’m suffering for it,” Rey snarls, rubbing her eyes. Cassian nods.

“Yes, you are, but you _will_ heal…if you’re brave enough to remain open to others,” He says, “Ben wasn’t there when you woke, and I understand that must have been terrifying, but did he come back for you? Did he keep his promise?”

Every grain of his truth is like salt in an open wound. He did come for her. She had been alone for days but he _had_ kept his promise and like a terrified, petulant child Rey had allowed her own fears to cloud her perception of things. She nods, biting her lip.

“Eventually,” she says. Cassian nods in satisfaction at her admission.

“It’s not the same as when you were a child. Your parents made a choice, the man who abused you made a choice…Ben had his made for him,”

Rey blinks at him, listening intently with a frown.

“It was outside his control, Rey,” he says, “I eventually had to sign an order myself for them to let him through, but he did try. Relationships, allowing yourself to be vulnerable…they are terrifying, but they can also bring the greatest peace if you let them,”

She knows that truth also. A soft smile flickers across her lips remembering the day of freedom he’d given her. When they lay naked together, a tangle of sweaty, sated limbs, she had never felt more at peace in her own mind. It had made her feel strong, enough that she had even suggested never coming back.

She wishes now that she had followed her instinct. Blissful ignorance was sometimes preferable to the agonizing truth she was now living.

“I’m going to write you a new prescription. Like before, we’ll check your progress and we can slowly lower the dose when you’re ready,” Cassian explains, “I’m also going to tell the nurses that you’re ready to come out of isolation. I think getting out of this room will do you some good,”

It feels like a step backward and forwards at the same time. She’s given freedom, in a manner of speaking, to roam but pills to help control the irregularities in her brain. That’s all feelings are, she thinks, chemicals and hormones mingling together to drive you insane.

Of all the combinations, love was certainly the sweetest she had tasted.

00000

Luke knows what happened.

Hell, most of Maple Lodge staff know what happened. While it’s all rumors to most people, the story of how Ben has fallen in love with Rey spreads like a disease, whispers and sneaking glances stolen over coffee and water cooler conversations. Nobody confronts Ben about it, most are too afraid to mention her name in front of him, but they offer him a simpering, sympathetic smile as they pass.

Luke has tried to talk to his nephew. He tries to offer his educated point of view, to help Ben process what he saw, the things she said, and he knows that Ben understands her grief but he, too, is hurting. Never the less, he endures. He continues, and Luke watches him carefully.

For now, Ben is working, and Luke is alone in his office. He has no one to see for another few hours and he knows that this is his chance.

Luke had never liked Armitage Hux. From the minute the man arrived, he had sneered down his nose at every other doctor in the place, ridiculing them for their so-called new age methods that he claimed pushed people around in circles. Every time he successfully had one of his patients discharged, seemingly _cured_ of whatever ailed them, he would smugly lord it over everyone.

Snoke’s golden boy.

Quietly, Luke leaves his office. The hallway is quiet and Hux is gone for the afternoon. He casually walks to the door of the other man’s room, testing the handle. Of course, it’s locked, but Luke smiles to himself. He knew that Hux always locked his office tightly when he wasn’t there, and Ben had stolen him a key.

He slips inside the room unnoticed, not bothering with the lights. He doesn’t want to draw attention to himself. The office is laid out almost exactly like his, but something is amiss. Instead of a sofa or a comfortable chair, there is a bed. It looks like a medical cot with restraints and immediately the hairs on the back of Luke’s neck stand on end. Next to the bed is a machine with dials and wires connected to two electrodes.

_Electroconvulsive Therapy_

Unconsciously, Luke’s lip curls. The use of ECT is something that he has always stood firmly against. It requires the patient's consent and something tells him that Hux isn’t one for that kind of detail. In disgust he walks away from the bed, heading towards the desk where the files are kept.

One by one he pulls out the papers, flicking through the notes of various patients and he feels ill at what he reads. There is no permission because they are unable to speak.

He drugs them.

If they are receptive, he fills them with so much Valium that they’d agree to almost anything. If they aren’t, he gives them something extra and they wake up with no idea what happened to them. Except that they suddenly feel…better.

He stops when he reaches Rose Tico’s file.

_Patient displays erratic behavior and shifts in mood. Reluctance to discuss past trauma. Little to no progress after 90 days. Patient displays dependency and romantic attachment to monitor, possible reason for lack of treatment progress._

_Session 1: Monitor has been replaced for treatment to progress. Induced seizure lasting 90 seconds. Bitemporal placement of electrodes. Unilateral. Patient has woken with no recollection of monitor, nor past trauma. EEG, ECG and blood oxygen remain normal._

_Session 2: Induced seizure lasting 120 seconds. Bitemporal, unilateral placement. Patient displaying stable mood. EEG, ECG, and blood oxygen normal._

_Session 3: Patient displaying erratic behavior. Higher dose of sedative administered. Induced seizure lasting 140 seconds. Bitemporal, unilateral placement. EEG, ECG normal. Bloody oxygen dropped below safe parameters. Session stopped._

_Session 4: Patient continues to display erratic behavior and mood. Recollection of past events returning in flashes. Induced seizure lasting 120 seconds. Electrode placement changed to bitemporal, unilateral. EEG, ECG normal. Blood oxygen normal._

Luke sneers at the paper, closing the file and shoving it into his jacket. The man was literally using shock therapy without permission, without accreditation and of course, Snoke would know. If it got results, he wouldn’t care.

Another paper on the desk catches his eyes.

_Patient transfer request: Rey Jackson_

He pales, grabbing the paper and shoving it into the inside of his jacket.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

Luke’s head snaps up in shock, his mouth forming a grim line when he sees the man himself standing in the doorway, his lip curled in a sneer.

“I could say the same thing to you Armitage,” Luke growls, “I knew you were cruel but this? Unlicensed ECT?!”

Hux saunters into the room with a smug smile on his face. His lack of remorse makes Luke’s blood boil.

“So self-righteous aren’t you Skywalker?” he drawls, “You can think what you like…I get the job done,” Luke shakes his head incredulously.

“You get the _job done_?” he cries, “What you’re doing is dangerous! You’re treating these people like they’re lab rats,”

“My patients leave here unburdened and free. Thanks to me, treatment length here has been cut by half…some people only spend two weeks in these walls before they can go home again,”

“And that’s healthy? You shock the memories out their head and send them packing? What happens if it doesn’t work, if they start to remember? Rose Tico is the only patient that you know about…” The smile on Hux’s face twists into bitterness.

“That was a …unfortunate incident,” he says coolly, “Not everyone is receptive to the treatment. Of course, there can be side effects,” With disgust in his eyes, Luke stares at him.

“And you don’t think that the blood of one innocent girl on your hands is enough to stop?” he says, “You’re a disgrace to the profession…”

“And you’re nothing more than a new age hippie who would rather let his patients flounder than give them actual guidance. You don’t frighten me! I don’t know what you think you have here…but get the fuck out of my office before I report you to Snoke,”

Luke narrows his eyes at him but remains silent, seething at the smugness on his face. He knows exactly what he has. It’s only a matter of time.

00000

Ben didn’t feel numb.

He wished that he did. Being catatonic and unaware of his surroundings sounds like bliss. No, he feels everything. Every sharp, stabbing sting of emotion that runs through his blood.

_I tried_

It’s all he could keep saying. He tried, he was sorry, he tried, but she was so far gone. His beautiful girl was so closed in on herself that nothing he could say would break through to her. She told him that he would destroy her and its agony when he thinks that maybe he already has.

Looking over his charge, quietly reading in the entertainment room, he feels a stab of pity. He’s neglecting his work and he knows it, which could have further reaching ramifications for the people in his care. A better man would quit, but if he quits, he has to leave.

He may not be allowed anywhere near high dependency where she’s being kept but at least he’s in the same building. He can check the patient charts, keep an eye on her movements. It’s a small comfort but it’s all he has for now.

The door to the large room opens and he’s caught off guard when Luke storms in, marching over to him as quickly as possible. His heart hammers in his chest. There’s only one reason why Luke could be there, and it causes his mind to spiral wildly.

“Ben, can I have a word with you?” Luke asks. He’s trying to keep his voice calm and level, but Ben knows him well enough to see that he’s panicked. He nods hastily and stands, following Luke out of the room until they find somewhere quiet and camera free.

“What’s happened? Is Rey alright?” He asks immediately. Luke nods.

“Rey is fine, that’s not what I need to talk to you about!” Ben exhales, his body slumping in relief.

“You almost gave me a fucking heart attack…”

“We have him, Ben!” Luke smiles, “We’ve got what we need!”

“On Hux? Well, …that’s great, report him!” Ben says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Luke shoots him a wry expression.

“There was something else in his office,” he says, pulling the paper from his jacket and handing it to Ben. His eyes scan the page quickly, widening in horror.

“No…no, she can’t go to him…I won’t let that happen!” he growls. Luke takes the paper back from him, shoving in his pocket.

“She won’t,” he promises, “Cassian won’t allow it, not when I show him this!”

“What about Snoke? He has final say on all patient transfers,” Luke smiles.

“He does…but a patient’s _doctor_ has the final say on patient discharges,” Ben sighs, running his hand through his hair.

It’s a bittersweet thing. If she stays, she’ll be close to him. He can keep track of her, but she’d always be in danger of the Lodge and its treatment. If she leaves, she’ll be over 200 miles away from him. He grits his teeth. They've already been separated but at least this way she’d be safe.

“So…you’ll send her home?” He says, his voice wavering. Luke nods sadly.

“It’s for the best Ben…”

“Will I at least be able to see her before she leaves?” he asks quietly. Luke shrugs helplessly.

“Honestly…I don’t know,” he says, “That’s up to her. It depends how stable she is if Cassian thinks it’ll do more harm than good,”

Ben thinks back to their last meeting. When he was begging her to listen to him as she broke down, telling him to stop.

_You’ll destroy me_

He can’t do that to her, not again. Not when he loves her so completely that her health, her happiness is all that matters.

“You’re right,” he says brokenly, “I have to let her go,”

He’ll wait, he tells himself. These feelings can’t be for nothing.

She waited for him.

Now it’s his turn.

00000

He changes from his uniform, throwing it into his locker without a care.

He won’t be needing it anymore.

The difference he feels in his regular clothes is almost immediate. It’s like he’s his own person again, the chains of Maple Lodge stripped from his body. He marches from the room heading directly to the management floor.

“Excuse me, but Mr. Snoke isn’t accepting visitors right now!” the receptionist calls to him as he walks past, barely sparing her a glance.

What he has to say won’t take long.

He barges into the large, ostentatious office, throwing the door so hard it cracks against the wall. The man behind the desk looks up at him slowly, an eyebrow raised in amusement.

“Ben Solo, this _is_ a surprise,” he says, “Don’t you have a patient to be monitoring?”

Ben trains his face to remain as passive as possible, a cool mask of indifference, but he still can’t prevent the slight sneer pulling at his upper lip.

“No. I’ve transferred by duties to another monitor,” he says simply. Snoke sits back in his huge leather office chair, his hands folded in his lap.

“And why is that?”

“Because I quit,”

The amusement on Snoke’s face darkens into a scowl, aging him further.

“Really? You’re throwing away a golden opportunity here boy,” he growls, “This facility is the best in the country…”

“This facility is a fucking lie!” Ben snaps. The mask is gone, crumbled to show nothing but pure revulsion, “Behind the fancy furniture and glossy brochure pictures, this place is nothing but a prison and a torture chamber being run by a sadist…and I want no part of it anymore!”

Snoke chuckles.

“Is that what you think?” he drawls contemptuously, “It wasn’t that when you first began here…Skywalker begged to give you a position and like the kind-hearted man I am, I gave you a chance. You’ve disappointed me,”

“An innocent girl is _dead_ because of your neglect…”

“Is she? Or is she dead because some people simply can’t handle the truth?” Ben stares at him in horror, his stomach clenching painfully.

“You’re a monster,” Snoke smirks.

“And you are no longer welcome on this premises,” he snaps, “You have 30 minutes to leave before I call security…do not push my generosity further,”

Gritting his teeth, Ben turns on his heel to leave the room, not even pausing when he hears Snoke call after him.

“Oh, and Ben? Do say hello to your mother for me…”

He continues to walk through the building, using his key card for the last time to reach his uncle’s office, walking in without knocking.

“So, you’ve done it then?” Luke asks. Ben nods.

“I did,” Ben replies, “If you’re sending her home then there’s no reason for me to stay here. I won’t do it,”

“You’re still going to testify when we ask? We’ll need you, Ben,” Luke warns, and Ben shoots him an offended glance.

“Of course, I will,” he says firmly. He reaches into the pocket of his coat, pulling out an envelope, “Will…will you give her this?”

Luke takes the letter from him, offering him a sympathetic smile.

“I will,” he says, “What will you do now?”

“Now? If you can get that evidence to the APA and the medical board…I’m going to give my Mom a call. She’s still owed a few favors,” he says with a sideways smile. Luke nods proudly.

“And what about Rey?”

“I’ll be whatever she needs me to be,”

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing more I can say except thank you for the continued love for this story! You're all amazing...the fluff is returning soon. SOON!
> 
> I know I've been updating a chapter a day but as we come into the weekend, I'm not going to have the time to write as much over Friday-Saturday. Sorry! I will try my best especially since we're so close to the end but I don't have this pre-written. I've literally been writing a chapter a day and uploading it when it's been finished. Who needs sleep anyway?!

[](https://imgur.com/5Q0H37P)

High dependency is far sparser than Rey imagined.

Not that she really expected much. There is no canteen, hell, there isn’t even a vending machine. All food is given to patients in their rooms and if they want anything to eat outside of set meal times they have to give a request to a nurse.

Bunching her fists in the long arms of the black sweater, Rey wraps her arms around herself as she cautiously walks out of her room. She basically lives in the item of clothing now, glowering at a nurse when she suggested she remove it. 

The whole place is bright. Large barred windows allow the sunlight to stream through, bouncing off the white walls and pale floor. It’s strange. The whole place is quieter than the main building, subdued and solemn. With her book in hand, she makes her way over to one of the sofas in the day area, the sound of the nearby TV humming in the background.

She feels better, she thinks. The pain is still there but instead of a sharp, ragged agony it’s dulled, blunted to an ache that seems bearable. Whether that’s thanks to the drugs they give her or not, she isn’t sure but Rey isn’t so hopeful to believe her own mind is starting to co-operate with her.

She’s barely opened her book when someone comes to stand next to her seat.

“May I sit down?”

Rey nods awkwardly, pulling her feet up to hug her knees protectively. Finn looks better than the last time she had laid eyes on him when he had held her by the shoulders begging her for answers that she just couldn’t give.

Now he’s taking a seat next to her, dressed in the same clothes. His face is a mask of regret.

“I’m sorry…about before,” he says quietly, “I wanted to say it earlier but…they wouldn’t let me out of my room,” Rey offers him a small, knowing smile.

“Yeah…me too,” she says, “And…it’s okay. You weren’t yourself…but you look better,”

She closes her book, dropping it on the floor to give him her full attention. After so many days in isolation, it feels nice to finally have what could almost pass for a normal conversation with someone who isn’t psychoanalyzing her.

“Finn, I’m so sorry…about Rose,” she says softly, sniffing back tears she was sure she had run out of, “How are you doing?”

It sounds like such a pathetic question when he’s trapped in the same place she is, but he smiles at her sadly, wiping his damp eyes.

“Thank you,” he says, “I’m sorry too, I know you two were close. She used to talk about you a lot,”

Despite the pressure building in her chest, Rey smiles.

“She did?”

“Yeah, she really liked you. She used to talk about how she was going to try and meet up with you when you were both out. The things she wanted to do. She said you _got it_ , that you understood what it was like…it was good to know she had a friend,”

“She had you too,” Finn laughs humourlessly.

“She didn’t have enough of me,” he says, “I…I wanted to give her everything. I was so fucking stupid to wait…I should have told her how hard I’d fallen, how much I loved her…she deserved to know that,”

Rey swallows thickly. She did deserve to know, and it was cruel that she would never get to hear him say those words.

“I’m sure she knew,” Rey says. She pulls her legs closer to her chest, her arms resting on her knees where she can lean her face. Ben’s aftershave is still there, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,”

She clears her throat awkwardly, unsure how to proceed with her question.

“Was it worth it?” Finn’s brows drop in confusion, “Falling in love, I mean? Was it worth all this pain?”

Finn sits silently and Rey’s gut twists anxiously. She’s certain that she’s asked the wrong thing, that she’s set off a trigger and he’s about to explode. Instead, through his tears, he smiles. It’s beautiful, open and honest.

“I’ve never felt agony the way I do right now,” he says, “But I know it’ll pass. I’ll miss her every day but eventually…someday, thinking of her won’t hurt anymore. I’d rather have known her, loved her for the time we had than never have met her at all,”

Rey fidgets with her hands inside the sleeves of the sweater thinking of his words. For Finn, the pain was worth it. How could someone still be so open after losing something so precious? It mystified her.

“What will you do now?”

“I’m only here until the end of the week,” Finn says, “Doctor Andor is satisfied that I was just in shock and needed a few days to calm down and process what’s happened. I’m going to go home, see my parents for a while. What about you?”

“Same,” she replies softly, avoiding his eyes. Finn takes a deep breath as if bracing himself.

“And…what about Ben? Are you going to see him again?” Rey smiles sadly.

“I hope so,”

00000

She’s waiting in her room, sitting on the bed and bouncing with nervous energy as she waits for Cassian to enter. She’s finally been allowed her bags back, but she doesn’t bother to unpack them.

“Rey, thank you for waiting,” Cassian smiles as he enters her room, papers in his hands. Rey smirks. It’s the first time she’s felt almost like herself.

“Well, what else was I going to do?” she says sarcastically. Cassian returns her expression, silently pleased that she feels stable enough in herself to make a joke.

“I have your paperwork here that I’m going to go through with you along with some instructions,” he says taking a seat, “You’re going home, Rey,”

Her smile is so wide that it hurts her cheeks, the specific muscles aching from lack of use. She hasn’t had much to smile about.

“Your parents have been contacted, they’ll be here first thing tomorrow to collect you,” He continues, laying out the papers, “I’m referring you to a colleague of mine, Doctor Erso. She’s very good and has already been sent your notes. She’ll continue your treatment. I’d like you to see her three times a week for the first month you’re back home. You’ve also been given a prescription for your medication, which Doctor Erso will review with you later. Do you have anything you’d like to ask me?”

Her emotions are turbulent. Leaving has been one of the few constants she’s thought about since arriving at Maple Lodge. Always in the back of her mind, it was her number one goal. Now she’s being handed her discharge papers and her hand shakes reaching for the pen to sign her name. Inside the lodge was a prison, isolated and cold but outside? Rey wonders if it’s better the devil you know.

“What do I do if…if I start feeling…unstable?” She asks timidly, her signature a scratch on the paper. Cassian points to a number on the page he’s sending her away with.

“This is my cell phone number,” he says, “If you feel at all unsure, I want you to call me. Day or night, it doesn’t matter the time,”

Rey offers him a small smile and a nod of understanding. Knowing that she can still reach a man who has helped her so much calms her stormy emotions.

“What I really want you to try when you’re out of here Rey, is what we spoke about. Start small at first, with your parents. I want you to practice reaching out to them. Whenever you feel something, no matter how small, I want you to voice it. Tell them how you’re feeling. I’ve already spoken with your mother and they understand your treatment going forward. I know it will be hard and uncomfortable, but I promise you…you will feel better,”

It was something Rey had never been good at, communicating with her parents, but suddenly the idea of seeing them and speaking with them again sounds like the greatest thing in the world. She’s anxious to see them, especially after their letters, but it’s something she knows she has to face. She’ll rip off the band-aid and everything will heal, she tells herself.

“Can…can I say goodbye to Ben?” she asks quietly. Cassian pauses awkwardly, casting his eyes to the floor.

“Ben isn’t here anymore,” he answers, “He quit his job. He isn’t allowed on the premises,”

“Oh,”

It’s all she can say hearing the news. Of course, she didn’t know, why would anyone want to tell her news about Ben when their last encounter had been so tempestuous. She had literally and metaphorically pushed him away. The action alone surely sent a clear message to him that it didn’t surprise her as much as she expected, but it hurt none the less.

“Did he say anything? Ask for a message to be passed on?” she asked hopefully, her face visibly falling when Cassian shook his head.

“He hasn’t given anything to me. Maybe with Doctor Skywalker?” he adds, hoping that he hasn’t raised the girl’s hopes for nothing. He stands, gathering the papers he needs and leaving Rey with her instructions.

“Get some rest, Rey. You have a big day ahead tomorrow,”

00000

His apartment is bigger and smaller than he remembers all at once.

With so much time at the Lodge, Ben has spent little time at his place except for the day he had brought Rey into his bed. The memory it evoked wasn’t painful, not really, but it made her absence from his life all the more profound. Walking around his bedroom, picking up abandoned laundry he hadn’t had the time to do, he could still hear her voice crying out his name, see her smiling up at him with soft, dozy eyes as they lay together. 

So he cleans. For the first few days, he wastes his pent-up energy scrubbing the apartment from top to bottom until it’s gleaming and not a thing is out of place. He rearranges his DVD collection in order of genre, then by alphabet, then back to genre, all the while questioning who the fuck still buys DVDs these days.

He wonders about her, if she’s sleeping, if she’s eating. He hopes that somehow, she’s smiling again. He wonders if Luke gave her his letter, if she’s read the words he desperately needs her to believe.

He drinks endless cups of coffee, marathons shows on Netflix and throws himself into a new workout routine. Anything for the distraction.

He wonders if now is a good time to get a dog.

Eventually, he picks up the phone.

“Ben! It is so good to hear from you, I’ve been trying to call but you never answer your damn phone!”

“Hey Mom,” he sighs, “Sorry…it’s been kind of crazy on my end,” he can hear his mother sigh on the other end of the phone.

“I know sweetie, Luke has already filled me in…”

_Of course he has_

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend?” Ben winces.

“I…don’t have a girlfriend,” He replies carefully, throwing himself down on his sofa, “Not really. Besides, can you honestly say you’d have been happy to hear about how this all came about?”

“Ben, sometimes people meet in the strangest of ways,” she reasons, “and from what Luke tells me, you’ve done your best…”

“Well it wasn’t good enough,” he huffs, carding his fingers through his hair.

“Luke tells me you quit your job?” Leia says, “I can’t say I’m upset,”

“Mom…”

“I told you from the beginning that Harold Snoke is nothing more than a charlatan and a sadist. I was shocked enough when Luke started working for him!” she growls.

“That’s actually why I’m calling you,” Ben says, “We need your help,”

“With what?”

“Luke has evidence that can bring Snoke down and Armitage Hux. I know you still have friends in high places. We’re going to take the evidence to the APA and the medical board, but we need you to try and ensure that they take it seriously. Do you have someone you can talk to about that?”

She’s quiet on the end of the phone and for a moment, Ben wonders if his mother has hung up.

“I know a few people I can talk to quietly,” she says. He can hear the smile on her face, “I’ve been trying to get that place shut down for a long time…”

“I know Mom,” Ben sighs, “Thank you,”

“Get Luke to send me what he has. I’ll do the rest,”

00000

The waiting room is far nicer than any part of Maple Lodge Rey has ever been in and she wonders if it has anything to do with the fact that it’s one of the few parts non-patients will get to see.

Rey sits with her hands folded neatly in her lap, her back straight and knees bouncing in anticipation. She’s finally wearing her own clothes again, but his sweater is still wrapped around her body like a protective cocoon. Her bags are packed and waiting by her side.

The door to the room opens and her breath catches in her throat, her chest constricting painfully. Her foster mother, Helen, is first to enter, followed closely by her foster father, James. Rey wonders if they’ve always looked older, or if the ordeal she’s put them through has aged them.

“Rey…” Helen breathes, her eyes already glassy with tears. Her knees shaking, Rey stands.

“Hi…Mom,”

Helen rushes to her, throwing her arms around her daughter’s neck, squeezing her so tightly Rey struggles to breathe, her face falling to her mother’s shoulder as she sobs loudly, her shoulders shaking violently with the effort. She feels like a dam has finally broken in her, the building pressure of the day finally causing her to crack.

Her father’s arms wrap around them both, his own eyes shining as he sniffs loudly, the little family standing together as one in the center of the room.

“I’m so sorry,” Rey cried, “I should have told you guys everything…I just…I’m so fucking sorry,”

Her mother strokes her back, her father strokes her hair and for the first time in her life, she doesn’t recoil from their touch. She embraces their unconditional love and she swears she can feel part of her shattered self-becoming whole again.

“Shh it’s alright my darling,” Helen coos, “We’ve got you…you’re going to be alright,”

When they finally separate, she offers them a smile, watery and genuine. James strokes his daughter’s shoulder. She used to hate the action. It used to conjure such horrid memories but now it feels different. It’s an action born of parental love. She can see that now.

“Come on sunflower, let’s get you home,” he says gently, wrapping his arm around his daughter to walk her out.

She signs the last of her papers with a smile, slamming the pen down on the reception desk before she turns to leave, her parents smiling proudly at her.

There’s someone missing from the scene and his absence makes her heartache in her chest. Ben. Ben should be here for this. He should be here to hold her with abandon, to smile his wide, warm smile and whisper how proud he is.

But he’s not and Rey knows it’s her own doing.

They’ve almost made it to the car when a familiar voice crying her name makes her pause.

“Rey!” She frowns, stopping before she climbs into the back of her dad’s car.

“Doctor Skywalker?” she questions, “What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”

He stops abruptly, panting slightly with the effort of his run. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulling out a slightly crushed envelope.

“I’m so glad I caught you,” Luke pants, “He’d never have forgiven me if you’d left before I could give this to you!”

Rey takes the letter from him, immediately recognizing the elegant script her name is written in.

_Ben_

Her heart hammers wildly in her chest and without warning she throws herself at Luke, hugging him tightly.

“Thank you,” she whispers to him. Awkwardly, he pats her on the back, but a smile still appears on his face.

“You’re welcome,” he replies sincerely, “Take care of yourself, Rey. I hope to see you again soon…just not back here,” he finishes with a wink.

She climbs into the back of the SUV, delighting in the small luxury of the leather seats and spacious leg room. The car roars to life and just like that, she’s speeding away from Maple Lodge. Luke waves his farewell and she waves back through the back windshield.

“What’s that dear?” Helen asks. Rey glances up at her mother’s eyes in the mirror.

“Oh…it’s just some instructions that Doctor Skywalker had to pass on,” she lies, “About my daily routine. Nothing major,”

With trembling fingers, she rips the envelope open, pulling out the paper inside. His handwriting is impeccable as always, his words precious.

_My beautiful Rey,_

_I’m sorry that I can’t be there to say goodbye in person, but I couldn’t stay. I’m so proud of you, and I wish I could see the light return to your eyes knowing that you’re going home._

_I never meant to hurt you, I tried so hard to reach you and I’m being torn apart every second we spend separated but you once told me that I’d destroy you. I can’t be the reason for your pain, not now. Not ever._

_So, I’ll wait for you. Whatever you need, as long as it takes, I’ll wait for you because I love you and when the day comes, I’ll tell you every single day. I’ll show you so completely that you’ll never doubt it._

_You are loved by so many people. Your parents, your friends, but most of all, by me. Whenever you feel alone, I want you to wear my sweater and read my words and believe them with everything you have._

_When you’re ready, I’ll be here._

_Stay strong, baby girl._

_Yours always,_

_Ben x_

She doesn’t realize that she’s crying until a stray tear lands on the page, running black with ink down the paper and smudging his name.

He loves her.

And she believes him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I lied, I could get out another chapter before the weekend! You may have noticed the count has been updated. Just one more to go and an epilogue. Thank you for reading and sticking with me through what has definitely been a test of my usual writing style.

[](https://imgur.com/H8eIkfJ)

Cassian sits peacefully at his desk dealing with the multitude of paperwork he’s foolishly allowed to build over the past few days.

As a favor to Luke, he had allowed Rey Jackson to become his number one priority and as a result, he was behind. Not that he really minded but when the time came, his patients were going to need their files when they received treatment elsewhere.

Luke had silently filed his complaint, sending his evidence to the medical board and the American Psychological Association. Cassian had backed up his claim with the help of Luke’s sister Leia. It was only a matter of time.

The peace of his office was disturbed when the door flew open and Armitage Hux stormed up to his desk, slamming a file down in front of him.

“Just what the fuck is this Andor?!” He shouts.

Cassian doesn’t look up from his papers, a calm expression on his face. The corners of his mouth lift ever so slightly.

“I believe those are patient discharge papers, Doctor Hux,” He drawls in a bored tone, “Surely you’ve seen them before,”

“Rey Jackson was to be _my_ patient” Hux growls, “You purposely discharged her before she could be transferred, and I know that you did it on purpose because of Skywalker!”

Cassian still does not look up at the irate man in front of him. Hux is breathing so hard his shoulders are heaving, his pale face blotchy and red.

“I discharged her because she was ready to go home. Her progress would only stagnate here. This is the location of her friend’s suicide…” Cassian finally looks up at Hux.

“Or did you forget that?”

Hux pales, his mouth forming a thin line in irritation. He takes a deep steadying breath, smoothing back his red hair.

“You’re both up to something, you and Skywalker…don’t think I don’t see it. I don’t know what you think you have on me, but there’s nothing you can do or say that can prevent my good work,”

Cassian smirks, a single eyebrow raising in amusement.

“You know you’re sounding a little paranoid there, Doctor Hux, have you considered making an appointment? I hear Doctor Holdo is excellent,”

Hux’s face turns an interesting shade, morphing from pink to red to bright purple in seconds and without a second comment, he turns from the room, slamming the door behind him.

Cassian smiles.

00000

Her parents’ home is exactly as she remembers it yet feels completely different.

Rey lived there from the age of 12 until she was 20 and left for college. 8 years she slept under their roof, did her homework at the kitchen table, watched cartoons in the den, ran up and down the stairs but for the first time, Rey feels like she’s _home._

It’s only for a month or so. She doesn’t want to become dependent on her parents, but she’ll happily stay there while she becomes used to the real world again. Helen and James were more than happy to agree to the arrangement, thrilled to have their baby girl under their roof once more.

“We redecorated your room while you were away,” James tells her as he carries her bag, “We thought it might be nice for you to have something fresh while you’re staying with us,”

Gone are the old posters, worn out paintwork and outdated furniture. Instead, the room has been renewed with fresh, calming colors of light and dark grey, white, purple and blues. There’s a new double bed in the center with fresh sheets and a new dressing table.

On the wall, she notices they’ve followed Cassian’s instructions to the letter. She needs structure. He had told Rey she was to establish a routine from the moment she arrived home. Her parents had taken the liberty of putting up a large wallchart, a horizontal column marking the days of the week and a vertical separating the hours of the day.

This is where she would rebuild herself. Unpacking her suitcase, Rey begins to ponder the smaller aspects of her recovery. Obviously, she’ll do as Cassian instructs. Her first appointment with Doctor Erso is already booked in two days’ time, and she has plans for her timetable, but as she stares at her reflection in the mirror, for the first time she realizes just how tired she looks.

Her hair hangs limp, her skin dull. She pokes and prods at her face, mashing her cheeks and pulling until she lets go with an annoyed snort. Helen leans against the door frame.

“I take it everything is to your liking?” She says. Rey turns around and nods.

“Yeah, this is all…amazing, Mom,” she replies, sitting herself down on the bed, “You didn’t have to do all this. I’m only home for a month,” Helen wanders over and joins her.

“No, we did,” she says seriously, reaching out and smoothing a stray lock of Rey’s hair from her face tenderly, “I feel like we’ve been given a second chance and this time, I want to do things right. Anything you need, I want you to talk to me…or your father,”

“I will. I promise,”

For the first time in forever, Rey means it. Helen nods in satisfaction.

“Good. Now, what would you like for dinner? I can make something, or we can just order in tonight? Whatever you want!”

Rey grins widely. The whole thing feels so domestic, so homely that a warmth spreads through her body. There’s a safety she hasn’t felt in a long time, that was she worried she would never feel again. Smoothing her hands over the sheets, Rey shrugs.

“The stuff I’ve been eating for the past month barely passed as food so anything is good for me,” she says, “Hey, I was thinking…I might want to scrub up a little bit, get a haircut, maybe go shopping. Would you maybe want to come with me? We could make a day of it?”

The smile her mother gives her is incandescent and finally, Rey feels like she’s done something right by her family.

00000

The wall planner in her room is full. Each hour of her day mapped out.

She wakes every morning at 8am, allowing herself the luxury of an extra two hours in bed, but the yoga habit remains. After her exercise she showers and eats breakfast at the kitchen table, catching up on the news of the morning with her father.

Every night before she sleeps, she reads his letter. His words echo in her head and she can clearly hear his voice as if he’s in the room with her. It’s a small comfort but it helps. On mornings when she wakes and feels like she can’t face the day, she reads, and she can hear his voice telling her to get up, to take her medication and shower.

_Come on, sweetheart. You know it’ll make you feel better. Just get through today for me, alright?_

She doesn’t need it every day. The paper is crumpled, the ink run with multiple tear stains and she folds it lovingly, storing it under her pillow as she sleeps.

On days she meets with Doctor Erso, she travels into the center of the city, spending two hours at a time discussing her progress and her feelings with the woman.

She reminds Rey of Cassian in her manner. Doctor Erso never spares her feelings if there’s something she feels Rey needs to be told, but words it in such a way that Rey never feels inferior or spoken down to. It’s something she greatly appreciates.

“So, I noticed you have a new look!” Doctor Erso comments with a smile, “How are you feeling about that?” Rey smiles widely.

“I feel…new and shiny,” she quips.  Her hair is slightly shorter, landing just above her shoulders with new highlights blended through the dark chestnut strands.

Rey had spent the day with her mother as promised, truly indulging in the things she had denied herself. They had spent hours at the salon preening, cutting hair, waxing eyebrows and legs, before they hit the stores. In the end, Rey had almost a completely new wardrobe. While it wasn’t exactly a cure, it certainly had a positive effect on her mood.

“I’m pleased to see that you’re taking care of yourself in that way,” Doctor Erso smiles, “Self-care is an important part of your mental health and I’m thrilled that you turned it into a shared occasion with your mother. Really, Rey…you’re making excellent progress.”

Praise isn’t something that Rey is used to accepting readily and she blushes at the doctor.

“You’re going to be heading back to your own apartment soon. Do you feel ready?” Rey nods.

“I am,” she says, although her voice wavers slightly and Doctor Erso frowns, “Oh no…it’s not that I don’t feel ready to live alone again. My parents have been amazing but I’m ready for my own space now, I think I’m ready…but…when I’m alone, I think of him…”

“You’re talking about Ben?” Doctor Erso clarifies, “Do you still read his letter?”

“Every day,” Rey breathes.

“Have you considered going to see him?” Doctor Erso asks, “Or are you still concerned about his reaction?” Rey shrugs helplessly.

“I…I was so afraid. It was all so painful that I almost forgot how good he made me feel. Sometimes I wonder if he’s forgotten about me. Moved on to something…someone else,” Doctor Erso smiles at her. It’s gentle and knowing.

“Somehow…I don’t think that’s the case, Rey,”

00000

Pulling her hair into a messy bun, Rey grabs the flat bag of popcorn, throwing it haphazardly into the microwave and punching a few buttons.

It’s a Friday night and she’s spending it the best way she knows how; on the sofa with snacks. Briefly, her mind wanders to her session with Doctor Erso and Ben. He’s a handsome, young guy who is technically single and Rey wonders how he’s spending his Friday. Logically, she knows she has no place to expect loyalty from him. He told her he would wait but that didn’t mean he’d wait forever.

_It’s been three weeks. Get a grip girl._

Suddenly, a vision of Ben fills her mind, her eyes staring off at nothing. She seems him dressed to kill in a black suit, his unruly dark hair beautifully disheveled around his dark, coffee eyes. He’s smiling, laughing with a faceless woman. Her hand is brushing his fingers gently, her toes trailing up his calf under the dinner table.

The sound of the popcorn exploding in the microwave makes her jump, the images abruptly disappearing out of her mind. It’s making her feel sick and she has popcorn to eat.

“Rey! Get in here, you have to see this!”

She dashes through to the living room, her father leaning forward and watching the screen intently. The evening news is on and the image on the screen is instantly recognizable.

“Authorities in Vermont have seized the mental health rehabilitation facility ‘Maple Lodge’,” the news anchor says. Open mouthed, Rey stumbles to the sofa, falling to a sit but never taking her eyes from the screen.

“An anonymous tip to the Vermont Medical Board reported the unsanctioned use of electroconvulsive therapy on multiple patients. The evidence that was given also shows the misuse of patient records and extensive corruption among senior staff. Many Doctors are now coming forward to give further statements,”

Her father’s mouth is a grim line, his fists clenched in anger. Her mother is crying silently, but Rey can only stare at the screen.

“Oh my God, Rey…is that what it was really like? Is this true?” Helen gasps, wiping at her damp eyes. Rey continues to watch the screen.

“Yes,” she says quietly, “But…it wasn’t always terrible. There were…bright parts,” she thinks of Luke, Cassian, Rose, Finn, Ben and it makes her smile, the corners of her lips lifting.

“Among the directly accused, Doctor Armitage Hux and Doctor Harold Snoke were arrested by local authorities. The remaining patients have been transported to other facilities for further treatment,” the news anchor concluded.

It’s like she’s forgotten how to breath when the tape rolls. She can see the front of the building, various vans and police vehicles with blue flashing lights. Patients are being spoken to and walked to their transports. Hux and Snoke are being led away in handcuffs, Hux screaming about the injustice of it all while Snoke remains dignified in silence.  The whole place is in chaos.

That isn’t what she focuses on.

He’s there, on camera, standing at the front of the building next to Luke and Cassian in the background of the live feed. Even with his back to the camera, she recognizes his dark, shaggy hair and her fists clench of their own accord, desperately trying to conjure the memory of how it felt to run her fingers through his locks.

And when he faces the camera, Rey can swear he’s looking straight at her.

“Mom...Dad…there’s something I need to tell you,”

00000

In the fading winter light of the late afternoon, Ben stands with his hands in his pockets outside Maple Lodge. The place is bathed in blue light as patients are lead from the facility.

Some are crying in confusion at the situation, others are refusing to leave. His heart goes out to them as he watches on. He isn’t a staff member anymore, but he hates the idea that these people, these poor innocent people, are being subjected to this type of upheaval when they had trusted this place to help them.

Reporters are everywhere. Some outside the gates, others inside the parking lot and Ben sneers. It’s turning into a circus which is the last thing the patients need. They need stability, to be taken to a place that will let them heal quietly. Not paraded around on camera.

“This is outrageous! Just wait until my lawyer is on the phone…he is going to have a field day!”

Hux is screaming as he’s carted out through the front door, his hands cuffed behind his back by two officers. He catches Ben’s eye, standing next to Luke and Cassian, and Ben smiles smugly at the man who narrows his eyes in response.

Snoke, however, is a different story. He is silent as he’s walked through the front door. He doesn’t even afford Ben and his uncle a second glance, although Ben is sure the old man knows it was their doing.

It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Maple Lodge can’t harm anyone anymore.

“It’s been a long time coming,” Luke mutters, watching the chaos next to his nephew, “We’ll still have to testify but Leia tells me they find the evidence irrefutable. They’ll never practice again. There’s a good chance Hux will be put away for a long time,”

“Hmm,” the noise Ben makes is nonchalant and Luke raises an eyebrow, nudging his side.

“I thought you’d be pleased. This is what you wanted right?”

It was what he wanted, sure. His reasons were selfish and selfless all at once. Luke nods sadly.

“Still waiting?” he asks his nephew. Ben nods.

“Still waiting,”

00000

Rey tells them everything.

It begins with the first day he arrives at her door. Rey explains how he would bring her coffee, how they would talk together. She describes how he was the first person she admitted her actions to and that he didn’t judge her, how he held her hand and told her that she wasn’t alone.

She tells them about the forbidden McDonalds, the piano, his sweater and how he made the effort to grant her wish of freedom, at least for a day. Rey is an adult and her parents are understanding, but not wishing to push it, she glosses over the more intimate details of their time together, to save both her and her father considerable mortification.

Talking about Rose is hard, it’s painful but not as raw as it once was, and it almost feels good to say the girl's name. If she’s talking about Rose, then she won’t be forgotten. Her parents cry along with her as she explains what she found, how she was separated from Ben afterward and her actions towards him.

When her story is finally over, she feels exhausted, like a damp cloth that’s been well and truly rung out. Her mother is the first to speak.

“He sounds wonderful honey,” she says with a watery smile, “and now I know why you won’t throw away that ratty old sweater!”

Rey hugs the black fabric around her body a little tighter, almost offended on the garments behalf.

“And you’re saying you want to go and see him?” James asks. Rey nods enthusiastically.

“It’s taken me so long to work out how I feel but…he was the only one I ever felt _right_ with. He doesn’t judge me, he doesn’t expect anything from me. He loves me, dad…and I love him too,”

James nods, although his face remains wary.

“And…you want to leave tomorrow?” Rey grins.

“I think I’ve made him wait long enough,”

00000

The excitement and drama of Maple Lodge shutting down passes as quickly as it began.

He’s given his statement to the medical board and the authorities. He’s spent considerably more time with his mother in the past week than he has in months, much to Leia’s delight. He works out, he watches TV, he reads.

The tattoo on his wrist itches and he rotates his hand, trying to relieve some of the annoyance. On one of his many days of isolation, while reading a book of poetry he’d found a quote that made him instantly think of her. It was brash but within 24 hours it was permanently etched into his skin.

_She’s proof you can walk through hell and still be an angel_

He still considers getting a dog.

It’s all a distraction.

Maple Lodge was nationwide news. A small part of him had hoped that Rey would see it somehow, that it would inspire her to contact him. If that was the reason she was nervous or afraid, it was one less obstacle in their path.

He lays back on his sofa, the sound of the TV in the background but he doesn’t hear it. His mind is wandering to her again. He hopes she’s happy, healthy, even if it’s without him. The thought causes a frown to crease his brow, his eyes screwed shut, and he pinches the bridge of his nose.

It hurts. She’s branded him for life. He’s a condemned man and he knows no matter who he meets or what happens, nothing will ever live up to the ‘what if’.

_Knock knock_

He grunts, his eyes opening. Heaving a sigh, he pulls himself from the sofa. His body feels heavy, lethargic and whoever it is, they better have a damn good reason for showing up unannounced at his apartment.

“If it’s my mother, I swear to God…” he grumbles under his breath, unlocking the bolt and taking down the security chain.

It’s a mirage. He’s hallucinating, he has to be. That’s what it is. He’s finally driven himself mad with her absence and his constant thoughts, but if she’s just a figment of his imagination then she’s a convincing one. He swears he can even smell her perfume.

She looks so different from the last time he saw her, but it’s welcome. There’s a healthy glow to her skin, her hair is slightly shorter, and her eyes are bright, shining at him in wonder. She’s the woman he could see all along under the layers of doubt and uncertainty, the most beautiful creature he’s ever laid eyes on.

She’s pulling at her bottom lip with her teeth, fidgeting with her fingers awkwardly.

“Hi,” her voice is quiet and shy. Ben blinks at her, unwilling to allow himself to hope that this isn’t his brain taking pity on him.

Slowly, like a man trying to reach for a scared animal, he stretches his hand out to her with trembling fingers. It’s only when he feels the warmth of her skin against his palm does he finally believe that she’s real.

She came to him.

“Rey,”

Her name is like a prayer, holy on his lips and she throws herself toward his body, her lips finding his, kissing him like he’s her salvation. His arms hold her tightly against him, afraid that if he lets go she’ll disappear and she whimpers, her fingers fisting the back of his hair.

There’s no barrier between them now. No lodge to go back to, no rules to pretend they even vaguely care about. All they are is two people who love each other.

“You waited for me,”

They’re both breathless, panting from lack of oxygen but the need to taste her again is overwhelming and Ben considers that oxygen might be overrated. Her tears have mingled with his own, both their cheeks damp. He smiles at her in adoration, stroking her face with the pads of his thumbs.

“You’re worth every second,”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff and smut returneth!
> 
> There's only one more chapter, the epilogue to go and as always, THANK YOU to everyone who has read, shared, commented and liked this story. I heart ya all!

[](https://imgur.com/412ILZu)

A sharp inhale is sucked through his teeth feeling her tongue swirl around his head, already swollen and leaking for her.

The moment she was in his home and the front door was closed securely behind them, Rey was dragging him towards his bedroom by his shirt. There would be time to talk later and Ben wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Not when his soul was crying out for her.

“Fuck…” Ben rasps, feeling her hot mouth slowly work down his shaft, the head of him practically hitting the back of her throat. Pulling back, she wraps her fingers around the base, pumping him slowly at first while her mouth focuses on the tip, teasing his weeping slit. She sucks so hard her cheeks hollow with the effort and his hips buck from the bed.

One hand fist in the sheets tightly, the other strokes her hair as she bobs, the humming sound she’s making in her throat adding another layer of sensation. He forces his eyes open to gaze down at her half-mast from where he sits on the edge of the bed.

It’s a wicked sight. She’s an angel on her knees, her hand still working him while the other grips his naked thigh. There’s a glint in her eye and he swears that he can see her smirk around his cock. When her fingers move from his leg to gently massage his balls, his eyes roll back in his head.

He comes with a guttural moan, his fingers tightening in her hair and she swallows all of him, wiping her mouth proudly when she’s done, his breathing still ragged.

When he pulls her to him, he can still taste himself on her tongue.

00000

Her back arches from the bed, her mouth hanging open and her eyes closed tightly, feeling him explore her. There are bite marks on her inner tights where he’s nipped a trail, marking his territory.

“Oh my God…fuck, Ben…” she moans breathlessly. His tightens his grip around her thighs, anchoring her to the bed as his tongue works her entrance, drinking her greedily.

She tastes exactly as he remembers and now he knows he can’t be without her. Not again. His lips reach her swollen clit and he sucks, delighting in the high-pitched wail that it induces. He edges her gently, pulling with just enough pressure before letting go, his tongue dancing across the nerves in alternating circles before he latches on again.

It’s making her dizzy, driving her closer and closer and when his fingers find her, curling upwards and swirling against her, she keens, her vision whiting, and she comes with a gush that he laps enthusiastically.

As she comes down from her high that he’s worked her through beautifully, he presses a kiss to her hip bone. She giggles languidly, feeling his teeth graze the skin there.

He thinks it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.

00000

He’s on his knees. She’s straddling his hips and they groan in tandem as she sinks down onto him, taking his length to the hilt and wrapping her legs around his waist. Forehead to forehead, she rolls her hips with painful precision, a decadent slowness that lets them both feel every single sensation.

He holds her steady around her waist, the effect of having her so close, naked in his arms, her soaked heat gripping every inch of him is intoxicating. Stronger and more euphoric than any drug.

They find a rhythm, rocking together like a boat on the waves, each tilt of her hips meeting his in perfect harmony. Bodies layered in a sheen of sweat, tendrils of hair sticking to foreheads, he holds her eyes as they move wordlessly. She can feel it all, the strength of his love for her in every stroke, his dark eyes seething for her.

With her.

He kisses her with a smoldering tenderness that threatens to burn her to ashes, the silent promise that he’s with her, that he needs her as much as she needs him. The intimacy of it all is stripping her to the bone, ripping away the last of her doubts. She feels renewed, reborn under his gaze, his touch healing every last crack.

“I love you,” he whispers against her lips, so softly she barely hears his declaration, but she _feels_ all of it. His lips moving as he utters those beautiful words, his breath against her skin, his tongue gliding along hers.

“I missed you,” she breathes. His eyes are so dark, his pupils blown wide that she thinks she may drown in them. He’s her lifeline, her safety net. They may drown but at least they’ll drown together.

The pressure builds as they rock, and he pushes forward to lay her on her down, her arms encircling his neck and gripping his rippling back as the wildness of his tempo increases. With every snap of his hips, she gasps, feeling him grind against her clit, sending shocks of pleasure along her spine.

Sweat rolls down her collarbone, her chest, her stomach. It’s primal and instinctual as they work in tandem, chasing a bliss that they both sorely need, panting and groaning together as they climb. Sitting back on his knees to thrust deeper, his dexterous fingers rub dizzying circles around her and she cries out, her eyes closed tightly, the crown of her head pressed into the mattress.

“Cum for me baby girl…I’m right here…I’ve got you…”

Screaming his name, her orgasm crashes over her in waves, gripping him tightly as his thrusts lose pace and with one final, sharp slam he joins her, thick ropes of his seed spilling into her with a long, low groan.

They’re soaked with sweat, bodies trembling and panting with shallow breaths. He kisses her, long and slow. She’s his anchor, he’s her serenity, together they create a balance unlike Rey has ever known. Pushing the damp hair from his face, she smiles up at him, glowing and sated.

He rolls over, pulling her against his chest and she kisses the skin she can reach there.

Her mind is tranquil and the only voice she can hear is Ben whispering how loved she is.

00000

The last time they lay together this way, a tangle of naked limbs in his bed, there was a countdown to worry about. Their time together was limited. Now they have no rules, no limits. They’re in charge of their own lives and Rey smiles, nuzzling against him, sighing in contentment.

“What are you thinking about?” he says quietly. There’s a lazy, blissed out smile on his face that matches hers and he’s drawing random patterns with his finger on the skin above her ribs.

“I’m just…happy,” she says, “Last time I was here we were on a schedule. Now I don’t have anywhere to be except here…with you,” He chuckles happily, and she can feel his voice rumbling in his chest, warming her to the core.

“We should probably get food at some point,” he comments, “and this is the second time you’ve been here and seen nothing but the bedroom,”

“I’m okay with that,” she shrugs, kissing his chest, “I missed you so much,” his grip around her body tightens.

“I missed you more than I can say, sweetheart,” he says, “but we’re together now. I’m not leaving your side again,” Rey pushes herself up to look at his face, smirking slightly when she notices the bite mark on the junction between his neck and shoulder.

_Mine_

Her fingers dance along his arm, stopping at the writing on the inside of his wrist. The quote is beautiful, profound and she looks up at him with questioning eyes when she notices her initials are next to it.

“Did you get that for me?”

Ben blushes lightly, but he doesn’t look away when he nods.

“Yeah, it was just all kinds of perfect. I had a moment of inspiration,” he says, his fingers joining hers.

“But what if I hadn’t come back?” she asks timidly, the idea creating a knot in her stomach. He shrugs.

“You know, I don’t know. Call it faith that I knew you would eventually,” he says, “Two people don’t feel the way we do for nothing,”

She kisses him in earnest, smiling euphorically against his lips and throwing her leg over his hip to sit across him as her hand's cup his face.

“What happens now?” she asks breathlessly. Ben looks thoughtful for a moment, stroking her hair. It’s disheveled, messy and frankly, well fucked and he feels a strange sense of masculine pride fill his chest.

“How long do you have here?” he asks, and she shrugs.

“I…don’t really know,” she smiles, “I didn’t plan that far ahead,” he frowns in confusion.

“Well, how did you get here?” Rey smiles in amusement, waiting for his reaction.

“My parents drove me,” Ben snorts a sudden laugh. The idea that Rey’s parents drove her from Boston to Vermont to meet a boy seems like a ridiculous notion.

“And…they’ve been doing what? Sitting in the car for the past few hours?” he asks with a smirk before realizing, to his mortification that Rey’s mother and father will definitely know what they’ve been doing since they dropped their daughter at his door. Rey swats his chest playfully.

“No, they went to get a hotel. I told them I’d call them later,” she says, “They know all about you,”

“Christ, I hope not…”

“Okay not _all_ about you,” she teases, “But they know what you did for me and they know how much I love you…so they’re bound to love you too,”

Ben sits quietly, allowing his eyes to roam over her face. His hands skim her naked body like he can’t get enough of touching her skin, afraid she’ll disappear at any moment.

“I…I applied for Boston University,” he says softly, testing her reaction, “The full course wouldn’t be starting until fall of next year, but I have a few induction classes beginning after Christmas. I could…that is if you want me to, I could…come back with you?”

She blinks at him with wide disbelieving eyes, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear.

“You want to come with me? To Boston? What about your life here?” 

“What life here? Rey, you’re my life now. Wherever you are, that’s where I’m going to be,” he says seriously, “I don’t have a job here, I can rent out this apartment and I’m going to have to move anyway,”

Her smile is wide and bright, with tears in her eyes as he kisses her again. It’s an action he’ll never tire of, the feeling of her soft lips moving against his like it’s as natural as breathing.

“Okay, come with me!” she smiles at him, stroking his face and his hair.

She shrieks with giddy laughter as he rolls her to her back, kissing her breathless, heat pooling in her gut feeling his hardening length rub against her stomach.

They don’t make it out of bed for another two hours.

00000

“Okay…we really should move…get food…do something,” Rey says, sitting up and stretching her well worn out body.

The room is a mess. The sheets on his bed have been rendered useless, wrinkled and soaked from hours of exploring each other unencumbered. Clothes litter the floor and Rey isn’t quite sure how her bra ended up in his hall.

Pills have got nothing on the effect he has on her body, endorphins, and serotonin rushing through her blood, making her skin sing. There are scratches all over his back, bite marks suckled against her ribs and she knows she’s going to have to stand up slowly, lest her legs give way.

Ben smiles triumphantly, leaning back against the headboard with his hands behind his neck, naked as the day he was born. Rey’s teeth nibble at her bottom lip taking him all in, wondering if it was too much to demand he walks around their home naked.

Topless at the very least.

“It has been a while,” he admits, “Should probably call your parents. Let them know I’ve not murdered you,”

Rey pushes herself to a stand, Ben ogling her from behind with a tilted head and a smirk as she wobbles on colt-like legs to her abandoned bag, fishing out her cell. She grabs his shirt from the floor, the fabric draping over her naked body like a dress falling to her thighs and she dials, trapping the phone between her ear and shoulder.

“Hey Mom…yeah, I’m okay…really, I am. Everything is great,” she smiles, winking at him while he grins.

Oh yeah. Her Mom knows.

“Dinner? Uh, sure…we’d love to,” Rey says. Ben can hear the other woman chattering at the end of the line, “Actually…I know this great little place. I’ll text you the address…we can meet you there in an hour,”

She catches Ben’s gaze and he smiles at her with sin in his eyes and a playfully raised eyebrow.

“Better make it two hours,”

00000

The extra hour was worth it.

Finally, Rey got to see another room in his apartment when they emerged from his room to shower, Ben joining her under the steaming hot water. A helping hand to wash her back resulted in Rey pressed against the tiles, her legs locked around his waist and 35 minutes later they finally emerged clean.

“Keep this up and I’m not going to be able to walk,” she jokes, drying her hair roughly with a towel. Ben only grins.

“That’s the idea,” he declares, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll carry you,”

They dress quickly, both realizing that the longer they remain in a state of undress, the less likely they are to actually leave his apartment. He locks his door and she’s glowing when he reaches for her hand, wrapping herself around his arm, wanting to stay as close to him as possible.

The winter weather of Vermont is chilly, the wind cutting as they walk down the street. Already, Chester is preparing for Christmas, string lights bathing the pavement, glowing against the dark sky like fireflies.

This is it, she thinks. This is what people speak about when they talk of love. It’s the warm feeling in your chest having them near, the pulse of electricity when their skin touches yours, the all-encompassing sense of safety and home.

Love could tear you apart, but holding his hand, listening to the timbre of his voice reverberate through her bones, Rey now knows it’s a sacrifice she’s willing to make.

They push their way into the diner and immediately are met by a familiar face.

“Rey! You’re back and oh my goodness, don’t you look beautiful!” Maz cries, rushing over to the couple at the door, “And would you look at the smile on my boy’s face? He’s been so lost without you…”

“Maz…” Ben warns, shooting her a dry, bashful look that the woman simply laughs off, “Rey’s parents should already be here,”

“Oh yes! Lovely couple, just lovely…they’re over in one of the booths. Take a seat and I’ll make you something special!”

Gripping his hand tightly, Rey already spots her mother and father and she moves ahead of him, pulling Ben behind her. She stops, noticing his caution.

“Are you alright? They won’t bite you…” He nods.

“Yeah…I’ve, um, I’ve just never met…a girlfriend’s parents before,” he says awkwardly. Rey smiles at him adoringly, kissing him lightly.

“They’re going to love you just like I do,”

“I hope not _just_ like you do…”

Wrapping herself around his arm, they approach the table, Helen, and James smiling at them in greeting.

“Mom, Dad…this is Ben,”

00000

“Which do you prefer?”

“It’s up to you baby girl, it’s going on your skin,”

“Yeah but I like both of them and I can’t decide,”

“Okay, well, that design on the left is nice. It’s a little more open, it’ll look beautiful on you,”

The smell of antiseptic and cleaning fluid hangs in the air, the obnoxious sound of buzzing all around her as they stand together in the tattoo studio. In front of her are two different rose designs. One is a single flower, closed and ready to bloom while the other is three already opened flowers clustered together, red and bright.

Ben’s arm is around her waist and she leans into him looking over the two. She nods in firm satisfaction.

“Okay, yeah…that one,”

The heavily tattooed man in front of her shoots her a smile and nods.

“Alright, come on honey, let’s get you in the chair!”

She follows him through to the back of the studio, Ben on her heels. She shivers when the cool liquid hits her skin, cleaning the area for the stencil of the design to transfer.

“This your first tattoo doll? It’s pretty big,” the tattoo artist comments. Rey nods.

“Yeah…but it’s important,”

She doesn’t make a sound as the needle pierces for the first time. She simple wrinkles her nose but soon the initial nip dies, giving way to nothing more than an ache that’s dragged along as the ink penetrates.

Holding Ben’s hand, he takes her mind off the sensation by talking about their plans. True to his word, he hasn’t left her side since she came back to him. He moved into her apartment when they returned, Rey silently pleased that she wouldn’t be living there alone anymore.

There’s been a lot of traveling back and forth between Boston and Vermont. Ben moved his things, but he still keeps his old apartment. It’s a good investment to have, renting it out to holidaymakers who want to visit, especially in the fall. His induction classes have begun and he’s enjoying it already, feeling like he’s finally doing something worthwhile.

“Alright, you’re done! Check it out,”

She hops from the chair to look in the mirror. The roses sit at the top of her shoulder, wrapping around a little to her back. They’re exactly what she wanted. Bright, open and beautiful.

Just like the girl who was named after them.

Next to the roses, hidden near the edge of a petal is a small bee, the letters ‘BS’ on the bee’s wing.

“It’s perfect,” she smiles.

Her tattoo is wrapped carefully, and she’s given instructions on its aftercare, Ben helping her to slip on her coat over the tender area. Hand in hand, they leave the studio.

“So, what else do we have to do today?” she asks as they walk. Ben smiles calmly, checking his watch.

“Well, we’ve got time…why don’t we grab a cup of coffee?”

“Extra syrup?”

“Always,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S I am firmly on the "Ben deserves a BJ committee"


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wanted to see if I could write a chapter a day without losing quality and I did. Phew! 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who stuck with this short story, shared it, commented and kudos. This is so different from anything I've tried before and it's turned into one of my favorite pieces. If you like this, please feel free to check out my other Reylo work or pop over to Tumblr and say hi!
> 
> Thanks to my buddies at The Writers Den and My Reyl-hoe family for being endlessly supportive <3
> 
> Until the next adventure, 
> 
> PD3 x

[](https://imgur.com/kVQQQjc)

**_One Year Later_ **

Rey groans as the obnoxious buzzing of her morning alarm fills the room.

Rolling over, she pushes her face further into her pillow, trying to ignore the sound.

“Come on sweetheart, time to get up,” she can hear him say gently, “You have to stick to your routine,”

He’s right. She knows that he is, but it doesn’t make moving any easier. Her body feels heavy and her head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. Never the less, a smile tugs at her mouth feeling him kiss her cheek and smooth her hair.

Ben gets out of bed first and pads his way to their kitchen as Rey sits up, rubbing her tired eyes and glancing at the clock. 8am on the dot.

Things have been difficult. The ominous date Rey has been dreading has been playing on her mind more and more. Her appointments with Doctor Erso had been whittled down to once a week but for now, she was taking an extra appointment just to see her through this triggering time. Just to be on the safe side, her doctor has written her a new prescription.

Rey pulls herself out of bed, stretching her limbs and wandering through to sit at the table as she always does. Ben turns to her, a glass of orange juice in one hand and her pill bottle in the other. Dutifully she takes the glass from his hand and fishes out a single pill, popping it on her tongue and washing it down with the cool liquid.

She sticks her tongue out to show him that it’s gone, and he smiles, offering her a kiss.

There was a spell of time she thought she could do without the pills. She felt fine. Instead of talking to her doctor about lowering the dosage slowly, Rey simply stopped taking them. She knew now it was a stupid thing to do, impatient and rash, and she thanked her lucky stars that Ben had been there with his saint-like patience.

Rey sits at the table, gratefully accepting the coffee he offers silently, watching him move around. Some days he was the only reason she was able to function. He diligently makes sure that she sticks to a routine. The wall planner may be gone but it’s only been replaced with a small, bag-sized diary and Ben knows it by heart.

He wakes her at the same time when she can’t face getting out of bed. He encourages her to exercise every day when she doesn’t want to move, going as far as to drag her with him on his morning runs. He makes sure she eats actual meals, that she takes a shower, that she goes to her classes. He never makes a big deal of his actions, he never makes a fuss.

It’s not always necessary but so close to the anniversary of Rose’s death, when the thoughts have been weighing heavily on her mind, Ben has been nothing less than a life saver.

“How are you feeling about today?” He asks, pottering around the kitchen and grabbing items from the fridge, “Toast?”

Rey nods her head at the offer.

“Anxious,” she replies honestly, “I know we’ve spoken through skype but seeing him today…there…”

“I know baby girl,” Ben says, pulling out the bread from the toaster, “But I’ll be there the whole time. I promise,”

She smiles at him gratefully. He doesn’t need to say it but the act of making sure she knows makes her smile all the same.

“Hey, my parents were wondering if you and your parents wanted to spend Thanksgiving at their place?” Ben asks, changing the subject, “You know my Mom, she always cooks for the masses and she’d love to meet Helen and James properly,”

Rey smiles widely, lifting the coffee to her lips. Her parents simply adored Ben, from the minute they had met him at Maz’s diner in Chester. Similarly, a month or so later when they had settled, Rey had finally met Leia and Han.

“I’m sure they’d love to,” she says, “I’ll let them know. It’ll be nice to have the whole family under one roof,”

“Hmm. You say that now,” Ben quips. He sits down putting their breakfast in the middle of the kitchen table, “To me, it sounds like it’s going to be loud,”

“Loud we can handle,” Rey shrugs, grabbing for her food.

They chat about their respective college courses, about Leia’s plans for the holidays, about the trip to the pound they’ll be taking next week to finally adopt a dog together. He knows when she needs to talk about her feelings and when she needs distracting.

This morning she needs distracting.

00000

Their drive to Cambridge is quiet.

The radio plays quietly in the background and every so often Ben reaches over and gives her hand a squeeze, a silent reminder that he’s there if she needs anything.

Leia had pulled strings for them and after searching through some records, found where Rose Tico was buried with her family. Rey had been in two minds about visiting the site, worried that it would bring back too many painful memories and affect her progress.

Her mind changed when Finn reached out to her.

Now on the anniversary of her friend’s death, Rey finds herself driving to meet him with Ben at her side.

Exiting the car outside the graveyard, Rey shivers in the breeze, pulling her scarf tighter around her neck and tucking herself in closely to Ben’s side. Silently, he presses a kiss to her temple and they walk further into the grounds.

Her breath sticks in her throat seeing Finn there, waiting wordlessly at the headstone. He looks good, she thinks, better than she expected although he sports the same tired eyes that she does.

“Rey, Ben. It’s good to see you guys,” he says as they approach, wrapping Rey in a hug then shaking Ben’s hand tightly, “I wasn’t sure you’d be up for coming today,”

“I said we would,” Rey replies firmly, “I wasn’t going to break that promise,”

They stand in front of the stone silently, reflecting on their lost friend, the kind of life she would be living now. Ben feels Rey lean against him and he wraps his arm around her shoulder. It hurts like a constricting pressure wrapping around her chest, squeezing and compressing her lungs until she can barely breathe. Her face finds his chest, burying into his jacket as she cries quietly, his hand stroking her hair.

Finn cries too, quiet and enduring. Still as a statue with his hands clasped in front of him as his own tears spill over his lashes and down his face until he finds his voice again.

Rey listens to him speak, feeling like they’re intruding on a private moment, but Finn doesn’t seem to mind. He tells her how much he misses her, the things they would have done together, places he would have taken her. When he wipes his eyes, Rey realizes there’s a bittersweet smile on his face.

They slowly walk back towards their cars when Finn breaks the silence.

“I…I met someone,” he says quietly. Rey looks up at him in surprise, unsure that she heard him.

“Really? As in _met_ met someone? A girl?” Finn shakes his head, offering her a bashful smile.

“Actually…it’s a guy,” he says, “He’s great. His name is Poe, met him about 6 months ago,”

“Does he know…about…”

“Yeah he does,” Finn says quickly, “I told him everything and he’s been so sweet, so supportive but…I felt like I couldn’t move on until I came to see her. I don’t want to betray her…”

“Rose would want you to be happy,” Rey says, her voice thick, “She wouldn’t want you to stop living your life,”

Finn nods in agreement, wiping his damp cheeks and sucking in a sharp breath.

00000

Rey feels like a weight has been lifted from her body. The dark shroud that has been following her dissipating and it’s like feeling the sun again.

After seeing Rose, talking things out with Doctor Erso and sticking to the routine that Ben helps her set, Rey feels more like a person again. She feels herself smiling more readily, her energy returning and getting out of bed no longer feels like a chore.

Even in the freezing December weather.

“BB, you need to move or I’m going to spill this all over you!” Rey scolds lightly, wandering from the kitchen to their living room, two hot cups of coffee in her hand.

The French bulldog looks up at her with a happy pant, his tongue hanging out of his mouth and she can’t help but grin at the goofy expression. They’ve only owned BB for a few weeks but already he’s established himself as king of the household.

Rey puts the steaming mugs down on the table, climbing onto the sofa and settling herself between Ben’s long legs to lean back against his chest. She hums in contentment feeling his arms wrap a blanket around them. She can see the snow begin to fall outside, the Universal Pictures theme playing as their movie starts.

It’s a life she imagined others living but never herself. The Christmas tree they selected the day before stands proudly in the corner of the room, glittering and twinkling with white lights, scenting the room with pine.

The piano Ben bought her for their anniversary sits next to it, the lights reflected on the shiny black surface.

She giggles, feeling his nose trace along the side of her face, her temple, his head dipping to press gentle, warm kisses along her neck.

“You’re going to miss the movie,” she whispers, feeling him smile against her skin and shivering when his breath caresses her ear.

“Will you marry me?”

His voice is so soft, cautious and unsure. Her eyes widen, still fixed on the screen as she gasps and he raises his arm, a small velvet box in his hand. A beautiful, diamond ring is nestled safely in the silk. She turns in his arms to face him, Ben almost groaning when her elbow makes contact with his ribs.

His dark eyes mirror hers, wide and unsure. He’s questioned himself for months hoping that it wasn’t too much, that she could handle making such a commitment. He’s spoken to her parents, hell, he even made a separate appointment with her doctor. Not that Doctor Erso would ever tell him the things Rey tells her in confidence, but it was helpful none the less.

“Really? You want to marry me?” she asks in wonder, her eyes glistening. He smiles, stroking her hair from her face.

“From the second you appeared at my front door,” he replies.

He jumps as she grabs him suddenly, kissing him soundly, her fingers tangling in his hair. When she pulls away, they’re both breathless.

“is that a yes?” She grins brightly at him, her cheeks damp as she chews her bottom lip.

“Yes. Let’s get married!”

She squeals with incandescent laughter when he picks her up from their place on the sofa, the blanket abandoned, holding her tightly and spinning her around. His laughter joins hers and BB barks and bounces in the excitement.

Slipping the ring on her finger, he kisses her sweetly, their movie forgotten.

Rey is home and she knows what love is.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come and see me on Tumblr! - https://polkadotdotdotreylo.tumblr.com/


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